The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

A step-by-step guide to help both victims of emotional abuse and their abusers escape unhealthy patterns originating from childhood abuse and neglect

In the second edition of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, internationally recognized therapist Beverly Engel walks readers through a proven program designed to help readers get to the core of their unhealthy behavior patterns.

This book was written specifically for two types of couples—those who mutually abuse each other and those with abusive partners who are willing to honestly look at themselves to and make the necessary changes to stop abusing. Unique among books of this type, Engel focuses on both the abused person and the abuser, offering non-judgmental advice to both groups. She offers effective strategies, techniques, and information to end abusive behaviors, including:

• Why some people are attracted to abusive people and vice versa
• Patterns created from childhood neglect and abuse and how to break them
• Determining if you or your partner suffers from a personality disorder such as Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder
• How to decide whether to continue the relationship or end it
• The importance of healing shame caused by childhood neglect and abuse
• How self-compassion can help heal both victims of emotional abuse and the abusers themselves

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is essential for those involved in unhealthy relationships or who have loved ones trapped in an emotionally abusive situation. Therapist recommended, this book is also a must-read resource for students of psychotherapy.

Acknowledgments xi

About the Author xiii

Introduction to Second Edition xv

Part One Identifying and Understanding Emotional Abuse

Chapter 1 Emotional Abuse— The Destroyer of Relationships 3

What Is Emotional Abuse? 6

How Emotional Abuse Does Damage 7

Determining Whether You Are Being Emotionally Abusive 10

No Monsters Here 12

Ending Emotional Abuse 15

Chapter 2 Patterns of Abuse 17

Domination 19

Verbal Assaults 20

Constant Criticism/Continual Blaming 21

Abusive Expectations 22

Emotional Blackmail 22

Unpredictable Responses 24

Constant Chaos/Creating Crisis 25

Character Assassination 25

Gaslighting 26

Sexual Harassment 27

Clear and Consistent Patterns 28

Overt and Covert Abuse 28

Intentional and Unintentional Abuse 29

Chapter 3 Not All Emotionally Abusive Relationships Are Alike 33

The Seven Types of Emotionally Abusive Relationships 35

Part Two Healing Your Childhood and Your Unhealthy Patterns

Chapter 4 Patterns That Begin in Childhood: Why We Abuse and Why We Take It 47

The Repetition Compulsion 50

The Core of the Compulsion— An Abusive Childhood 53

Abusive Styles of Parenting 55

The Power of Unfinished Business 58

Your Original Abuser 59

Another Pattern: Victim or Abuser? 60

Anger In, Anger Out—Male and Female Patterns 61

How Shame Affects Victims of Abuse 62

Chapter 5 Complete Your Unfinished Business (For Both Victims and Abusers) 65

1. Admit the Fact That You Were the Victim of Abuse or Neglect 67

2. Acknowledge to Yourself That You Have Unexpressed Feelings of Anger, Pain, Fear, and Shame Because of Your Childhood Experiences of Neglect, Abandonment, or Abuse 73

3. Allow Yourself to Feel and Express Your Emotions Connected to the Neglect or Abuse You Experienced 75

4. Find Safe, Constructive Ways of Releasing or Expressing These Feelings 77

5. Confront Your Abuser(s) (Indirectly Preferred) 79

6. Resolve Your Relationship With Your Original Abuser(s) (Set Boundaries, Temporary or Permanent Separation, Forgive) 80

Chapter 6 Healing Your Shame with Self- Compassion 81

The Cure for Shame: Self-Compassion 86

Repeating the Cycle of Abuse 92

Part Three Stopping the Abuse

Chapter 7 Action Steps for Those Being Abused 99

The Program 103

Specific Advice and Strategies 121

Chapter 8 Action Steps for the Abusive Partner 123

The Program 126

Chapter 9 Action Steps for the Abusive Couple 147

Stop Blaming Each Other 150

The Program 152

Chapter 10 When Your Partner Has a Personality Disorder 161

Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from BPD 164

Twin Fears— Abandonment and Engulfment 166

Strategies to Help You Cope and to Stop the Emotional Abuse 168

Determining Whether Your Partner Suffers from NPD 171

Strategies to Help You Cope and Stop the Emotional Abuse 174

Should You Tell Your Partner that You Suspect They Have a Personality Disorder? 177

When You Both Suffer from a Personality Disorder 178

Chapter 11 When Your Abusiveness Stems from Your Personality Disorder 179

Do You Suffer from BPD? 182

How BPD Can Lead to Emotionally Abusive Behavior 183

How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 186

Strategies for Specific Borderline Behaviors 191

Do You Suffer from NPD? 191

How NPD Leads to Abusive Behavior 193

How You Can Begin to Change Your Emotionally Abusive Behavior 194

My Personal Program for Overcoming Narcissistic Tendencies 196

Part Four Where Do You Go from Here?

Chapter 12 Should You Stay or Should You Leave? 201

Strong Reasons to Stay 203

You May Still Need to Leave 205

Strong Reasons to Leave 205

When You Definitely Need to Leave 206

When You Are Resisting Leaving 209

Trust and Forgiveness 209

Chapter 13 Preventing Emotional Abuse in the Future 211

For the Abused Partner 213

For the Abusive Partner— Catch Yourself in the Act 217

For Both Partners 218

Chapter 14 Continuing to Recover 221

True Power Comes from Knowing You Have Choices 223

Key Issues for Victims and Abusers 224

Specific Strategies for the Abused Partner 228

Recovery for the Abusive Partner 230

For Both Partners— Finding the Right Therapist 232

Treatment for BPD and NPD 233

Be Realistic about Your Partner Changing 234

Epilogue 235

References 237

Further Reading 239

Index 243

Beverly Engel, LMFT, is an internationally recognized psychotherapist and an acclaimed advocate for victims of sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She is the author of twenty-three self-help books, including Loving Him without Losing You, Healing Your Emotional Self, and The Nice Girl Syndrome. Beverly frequently lends her expertise to national television shows and has appeared on Oprah, CNN, and Starting Over. She has a blog on the Psychology Today website and has been featured in publications including O, The Oprah Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, The Chicago Tribune, The Washington Post, and more.

A comprehensive and practical guide for those being emotionally abused, emotional abusers, and others trapped in unhealthy relationships

“Engel’s seminal book on abusive relationships is both practical and empathetic. I particularly like that she helps victims explore their childhood to understand their triggers and why they’re in an abusive relationship. It’s easy to read and explains how to confront abuse, move on, and recover.”
—Darlene Lancer, LMFT, author of Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist

“In illuminating the significance of shame in both the abuser and the abused, Engel reveals pathways for clearer recognition and, ultimately, healing for those caught in the web of emotional abuse.”
—Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, author of Sometimes I Act Crazy and I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me

The second edition of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing is an up-to-date and evidence-based program for working through the psychological and personality issues driving emotional abuse in unhealthy relationships. This non-judgmental book is written for those being abused, those who abuse, and those trapped in mutually abusive relationships.

Beverly Engel, a leading expert on the subject, explains how to identify and understand emotional abuse and what motivates it. She presents strategies for stopping emotional abuse, both for the abused and the abuser, and includes specific information relevant for those who are suffering from, or inflicting, abuse as the result of a personality disorder. Finally, Engel offers readers ways to help couples and individuals decide whether to attempt to save their relationship or move on.

"Engel's seminal book on abusive relationships is both practical and empathetic. I particularly like that she helps victims explore their childhood to understand their triggers and why they’re in an abusive relationship. It’s easy to read and explains how to confront abuse, move on, and recover.”
—Darlene Lancer, LMFT, author of Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist

“Beverly Engel provides fresh insights in the new, second edition of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship. The book compassionately considers both parties entwined in their reciprocal double helix of pain. In illuminating the significance of shame in both the abuser and the abused, Engel reveals pathways for clearer recognition and, ultimately, healing for those caught in the web of emotional abuse.”

—Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., author of Sometimes I Act Crazy and I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me

“Beverly Engel’s humility, clinical sensitivity, grace, and her expertise in her written works are just the tools that everyone needs to help with healing from emotional abuse. Beverly graciously writes about emotional abuse in a way that's relatable, resonates, and is easy to understand for anyone going through it. Her work exudes compassion, and she is able to describe abuse dynamics without disparaging anyone. She genuinely and unselfishly is motivated to help everyone heal and holds our hands to walk us through the recovery journey. I applaud her kindness and generosity.”

—Dr. Natalie Jones, PsyD, LPCC ®