{"product_id":"the-attachment-effect-isbn-9780143132424","title":"The Attachment Effect","description":"\u003cb\u003e\"Every reader will find this book about attachment enlightening.\"\u003cbr\u003e--Dr. Sue Johnson, author of \u003ci\u003eHold Me Tight\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Does a magnificent job of revealing how attachment manifests at the workplace, in friendships, religion, and even politics.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cb\u003e --Amir Levine, M.D., author of \u003ci\u003eAttached\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eA revealing look at attachment theory, uncovering how our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for all our relationships to come \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003eAttachment theory is having a moment. It’s the subject of much-shared articles and popular relationship guides. Why is this fifty-year-old theory, widely accepted in psychological circles, suddenly in vogue? Because people are discovering how powerfully it sheds light on who we love--and how.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Fascinated by the subject, award-winning journalist and author Peter Lovenheim embarked on a journey to understand it from the inside out. Interviewing researchers, professors, counselors, and other experts, as well as individuals and couples whose attachment stories illuminate and embody the theory's key concepts. The result is this engaging and revealing book, which is part journalism, part memoir, part psychological guide--and a fascinating read for anyone who wants to better understand the needs and dynamics that drive the complex relationships in their lives.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eTopics include:\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cb\u003e*\u003c\/b\u003e  What it means to be securely and insecurely attached\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cb\u003e*\u003c\/b\u003e  How our early childhood experiences create a blueprint for future relationships--and how to use those insights to gain self-awareness and growth\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cb\u003e*\u003c\/b\u003e  Why anxious and avoidant attachment types tend to attract each other, and how to break the negative cycle\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cb\u003e*\u003c\/b\u003e  How anyone can work to become \"earned secure\" regardless of their upbringing and past relationships.\"Every reader will find this book about attachment enlightening -- and above all, moving. The author takes a personal approach and shows how learning about the new science of attachment helps him understand himself and his life – in fact, the lives of all of us. An easy, absorbing read!\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Dr. Sue Johnson, author of \u003ci\u003eLove Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eHold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“I’ve always thought that attachment principles play a crucial role not just in childrearing and romantic relationships, but in other aspects of our lives. Then along comes this book, which illustrates how attachment affects pretty much everything! Written beautifully and most important, accessibly, \u003ci\u003eThe Attachment Effect\u003c\/i\u003e does a magnificent job of revealing how attachment manifests at the workplace, in friendships, religion, and even politics.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cb\u003e --Amir Levine, M.D., bestselling author of \u003ci\u003eAttached\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"This remarkable book can be read in several ways. Each makes us more informed and better off. As an overview of a major body of research and social psychological theory; as a source of improved understanding of ourselves--and to better attach to others.\"\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e --Amitai Etzioni, author of \u003ci\u003eThe New Golden Rule: Community and Morality in a Democratic Society \u003c\/i\u003eand University Professor at the George Washington University\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\"This richly informative, deeply researched, touchingly personal, and always readable book about the meaning and uses of attachment theory explores the hows and whys of our complicated connections with each other. It offers valuable insights into what makes a relationship fail or succeed,  and how a better understanding of our attachment style might help to rescue a floundering relationship.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Judith Viorst, author of \u003ci\u003eNecessary Losses\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“Cogent, informative, well written….artfully lays out how styles of attachment shape behavior in many different settings and people (including the author himself).”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e--Joan Jacobs Brumberg, professor emerita of Women's Studies and Human Development at Cornell, and author of \u003ci\u003eFasting Girls\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eThe Body Project\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"With remarkable frankness and rare insight into his own experiences and those of many others he interviewed, Peter Lovenheim shows in \u003ci\u003eThe Attachment Effect\u003c\/i\u003e how we can improve all our relationships--from work to romance, parenting to politics, youth to aging--even if events beyond our control during infancy started us off on the wrong track. An incisive work that can guide everyone to have a better relationship with every individual who matters in their lives.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Nicholas Gage, author of \u003ci\u003eEleni\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eA Place for Us\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e“\u003c\/i\u003eAccurate, engaging, and beautifully written…it is rare for a book to be this much fun while also being so instructive and thought provoking. I loved reading it!”\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e--Phillip R. Shaver, PhD, Distinguished Professor of Psychology, University of California Davis, coauthor of \u003ci\u003eAttachment in Adulthood\u003c\/i\u003e and coeditor of\u003ci\u003e The Handbook of Attachment\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cb\u003ePeter Lovenheim\u003c\/b\u003e is an author and journalist whose articles and essays have appeared in \u003ci\u003eThe New York Times\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eParade\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eThe Washington Post\u003c\/i\u003e, and elsewhere. He teaches nonfiction writing at The Writers Center in Bethesda, Maryland. His previous book is \u003ci\u003eIn the Neighborhood, \u003c\/i\u003ewinner of The First Annual Zócalo Public Square Book Prize.chapter 1\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e When the Tiger Comes: Origin of the Attachment System\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Every time I attended Harry Reis's class on attachment theory, I      was late. That was because the start of Harry's class at the      University of Rochester conflicted with the end of a writing class      I was teaching at a nearby college, and even if I made all the      lights and quickly found a parking space, the soonest I could get      there was ten minutes after class began. So I'd enter the      amphitheater-style lecture hall quietly through a side door and      take a seat in the back.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e That turned out to be an advantage, though, because from the back      of the room I could see all one hundred or so students, including      who was paying attention and who wasn't. That first day, I      noticed, in the seats nearby, a young man reading e-mail, a young      woman on Facebook, and a young man checking stock quotes.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"This is a damn good theory,\" Harry was saying as I took my seat      that first day. He stood six foot three, had a deep, resonant      voice, and spoke with a slow, deliberate cadence. \"We think it      explains an unbelievable amount of human behavior: about our      childhoods, about intimate adult relationships, about nearly all      relationships throughout our lives.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e When I'd first realized Harry was one of the country's leading      relationship researchers and that he lived and taught about      attachment theory in my hometown of Rochester, New York, I invited      him for coffee. Halfway through our meeting, a middle-aged woman      sitting at the next table suddenly turned around to us and nearly      shouted, \"Wow! I'd pay to be at your table! What you're sayin' is      so true. Wished I'd known all that when I was younger-it would've      saved me a heap of grief!\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Oddly, Harry hadn't seemed surprised by the interruption.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"People hear about this attachment stuff,\" he told me, \"and say,      'Yeah, that's what I want to study. That's what I want to      understand.'\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e I wanted to understand my own attachment style and how it may have      been affecting my relationships and behavior. I'd been through a      divorce and then a long-term romance. If knowing more about      attachment could help me find a satisfying, stable relationship,      that's what I was after. Later, my interests would broaden to      include understanding how attachment influences people throughout      their lives and throughout society: their relationships with      family and friends, how they raise their kids, get along at work,      cope with loss, and much more. Could attachment theory be a key to      unlocking a deeper understanding of our behavior and everyday      lives?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Onto a large screen, Harry projected photos of parents-human and      nonhuman-holding and protecting their babies: a mother carried her      child on her back; a father held his son on his knee; a cat nursed      two kittens; a polar bear sheltered her baby under her body.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"Let's look at this first slide,\" Harry said. \"Notice that in all      these different species, there is a physically close, protective      bond between an adult caregiver and an infant.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The room was quiet except for the clicking of a hundred students      typing on laptops. Taking notes in longhand, I was a visitor from      another generation.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Harry's next slide showed a black-and-white photo of a middle-aged      British man looking distinguished in a tweed sport coat over a      wool sweater.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"In Britain during World War II,\" Harry began, \"fathers were off      at war, and during the bombing of London many mothers were killed,      so there were a rather large number of children brought to      orphanages. And working in the orphanages was a young British      psychiatrist and psychoanalyst named John Bowlby.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The red dot of Harry's laser pointed at the image of the      distinguished-looking Brit.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"Bowlby was struck by the behavior of these infants,\" he      continued. \"What he observed was that even though the orphans were      housed in a clean, germ-free environment, were fed well and given      good medical care, they didn't thrive. They were underweight. They      became depressed. Some died.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The young woman in front of me who had been on Facebook looked up      from her laptop.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"And Bowlby observed another thing,\" said Harry. \"He was struck by      the way these infants called for, cried for, and watched the door      for their mothers, what he called 'searching behaviors.' And he      took that to be the human equivalent of what animals do-you know,      if you've ever seen a young kitten or a puppy and some scary      person walks in the room, what do they do? They run immediately      back to their mother for safety.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Monkeys\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Harry didn't mention it that day, but at about the same time      Bowlby was noting the effects of maternal deprivation on orphaned      children, Harry Harlow, a psychologist at the University of      Wisconsin, was observing a related phenomenon in monkeys. His work      would later influence Bowlby.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In his most famous experiment, Harlow separated baby rhesus      monkeys from their mothers at birth. He then provided them a      choice of two surrogate \"mothers\": one made of wire and holding a      bottle of milk, the other also of wire but covered with a soft      cloth and without any milk. The result? Most of the time, the      infant monkeys clung to the soft-cloth mother-and ran to her      whenever they were frightened; they used the wire mothers only for      milk.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"These findings are legendary in psychology,\" Lee Kirkpatrick has      written, \"as well they should be. They demonstrated convincingly      that, at least in rhesus monkeys, infants' interest in their      mothers was not reducible to the need or desire for food or      breast; [instead,] they spontaneously sought physical contact and      comfort.\" \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Babies and Their Caregivers\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e There is no such thing as a baby-meaning that if you set out to      describe a baby, you will find you are describing a baby and      someone. A baby cannot exist alone but is essentially part of a      relationship.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e -pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Harry Reis took a couple of steps away from the lecturer's table      and faced the class.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"You know,\" he said, \"horses can run within a day or two of birth.      That's one of their ways of surviving. But we can't do that. Human      babies have the longest period of vulnerability of any species on      earth. For seven or eight years of your life, if there isn't      someone taking care of you, forget it-you're dead. If a tiger      comes, you have no chance of survival.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Harry paused, scanning the class.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"Okay, so you're an infant,\" he continued, \"and there's a tiger      coming. What's your way of surviving? If you can find a caregiver      and keep that caregiver close-someone who'll provide you food and      shelter, and when the tiger comes, take you away from danger-this      would be your way of surviving.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"So how do you locate and then keep close to that caregiver?\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As he moved toward an answer, I felt the class's tension rise.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"How do you find and hold close to that caregiver?\" he repeated.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"You cry!\" he shouted. \"You cry, meaning, 'Something's going on      that's scaring me! I want somebody to protect me!'\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Babies use other \"seeking behaviors\" too, Harry explained, such as      turning their heads, following with their eyes, and reaching with      their hands. \"Bowlby argued that these behaviors-crying, staying      near the caregiver, etc.-were designed to maintain physical      closeness because infants who did that were more likely to      survive.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e These behaviors of babies, in other words, are not random. They      are biologically designed to help a human infant survive by      locating and attaching to a competent, reliable caregiver.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Harry again pointed the laser at the photo of the man in the tweed      jacket.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"And the profound idea Bowlby came up with,\" he continued, \"and in      retrospect this seems like such a simple idea, is that there is an      evolutionary system called the attachment system.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"The attachment system was designed,\" he explained, \"to do one      very simple thing: to create and keep physical closeness between      infant and caregiver. Infants who displayed these behaviors and      caregivers who responded were the ones whose genes were more      likely to survive to the next generation. Infants who didn't do      it, who said, in effect, 'pretty tiger' and wanted to go talk to      the tiger, or caregivers who were more concerned about themselves      and didn't go to pick up the infant, their genes did not get      passed on.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"So it's a very, very simple, straightforward evolutionary      adaptation,\" he said. \"And you all have it. You don't have to go      to the store to buy the program called Attachment System. It's      hardwired into you. You come with it already installed.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As Harry said this, a young man next to me, playing Tetris, looked      up.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Attachment Figure: A Secure Base and Safe Haven,        in Close Proximity\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"When we say a child has an 'attachment figure,'\" Professor Reis      explained, \"we mean a person-and it's usually the mother-who      fulfills three essential functions of the attachment system. The      first is called 'proximity maintenance,' which means the caregiver      is someone the child keeps close for safety and comfort. The next      two are 'secure base' and 'safe haven': children need a secure      base from which to explore and a safe haven to come back to when      life gets scary.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e And true attachment figures, whether for a child or adult, meet      two additional criteria: that the threat of separation from the      attachment figure causes anxiety, often accompanied by protest (in      the case of a child that would be crying), and that the loss of      the attachment figure causes grief.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"Okay,\" Harry continued, \"so infants have this attachment system,      which acts like a sort of radar. When something threatening      happens-tiger, hunger-the radar activates and the infant thinks,      'Is my attachment figure near? Is she attentive, able to interpret      my signals of distress, and available to provide the help I      need?'\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Typically, children have multiple attachment figures. These may      include both parents, maybe a grandparent or two, an older      sibling, and regular care providers. From the child's perspective,      however, these people are not interchangeable. A hierarchy of      attachment figures exists, with one special primary figure      (usually the mother) at the top. \"If the child were suddenly      frightened,\" notes Lee Kirkpatrick, \"and all of his or her      attachment figures were lined up in a row, the primary attachment      figure is the one to whom the child would run first.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Mental Models\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In the first years of life . . . a child extracts patterns from      his relationships . . . [and] stores an impression of what love      feels like. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e -psychiatrist Thomas Lewis and colleagues\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"Bowlby believed that as you grow up,\" Harry continued to the      class, \"you form beliefs about what you can expect from      significant others-that is, you learn, 'This is how powerful,      caregiving people are going to relate to me.' These beliefs stem      from our earliest experiences with attachment figures, mostly in      the first two years. And these beliefs, once formed, form a      'mental model' in the child-actually create patterns in the      brain-that will influence what that individual expects of      relationships and how he behaves in relationships, not just in      childhood but over the whole of a lifetime, or as Bowlby put it,      'from the cradle to the grave.'\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e And it's these mental models, Harry noted, that cause the      experiences of the infant to later affect that individual's      behavior as an adult. \"This points up one place where Bowlby      differed with Freud,\" Harry added. \"Freud believed that an awful      lot of stuff that went on was in the infant's mind-you know, the      infant imagined this libidinal attachment to his or her mother.      Bowlby didn't buy that. Instead, Bowlby felt that the actual      interactions that occur between a mother and child are what's      important, and that the mental models formed from those      interactions are what transform the infant's early experience into      personality traits that last a lifetime.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"These early beliefs are about the self in relation to others,\"      Harry continued. \"Am I lovable? Am I someone other people are      going to value and care for? How comfortable am I being close,      depending on another person, making myself vulnerable to another      person? When I need others, will they be there for me?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"If the answer is yes,\" he went on, \"the infant experiences a      sense of security.\" Harry took a loudly exaggerated deep breath,      imitating a relieved infant whose mother had perhaps just picked      them up and run into a cave to protect them from a tiger. \"'Okay,      no big deal. I'm fine,' which produces a sense of confidence that      nothing dangerous is going to happen. The radar gets shut down and      everything's okay.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e This person, explained Harry, will come out of childhood trusting      that others are generally available and responsive, and will      think, \"I can trust people. I can allow myself to be close to      people. I'm not afraid of intimacy.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e This is a secure attachment.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"But what if the radar system says no?\" asked Harry. \"What if the      child does not feel protected by a competent and reliable      attachment figure?\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In that case, there are two defensive responses.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"First,\" Harry said, \"is when the infant cries and cries, and the      caregiver just doesn't give a damn, doesn't respond, leaves the      infant alone. No proximity, no safe haven, no secure base. This      child may think\"-and here he channeled the voice of a frightened      infant-\"'There is no caregiver available who can take care of me      and who will deal with this threat for me. I'm an infant; I can't      even crawl. I'll stick around this caregiver because what other      choice do I have? But I'm not going to get too close and I'm not      going to protest too much because I've already discovered these      things don't work.'\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"This individual,\" Harry continued, \"whose caregiver is pretty      much always unresponsive, learns to shut down and avoid intimacy.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e This is an \"insecure avoidant attachment.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"The other defensive response,\" he said, \"occurs in infants when      the caregiver is inconsistent-sometimes responding, sometimes not.      The caregiver is sometimes there, sometimes not; sometimes      provides a safe haven and secure base, but sometimes does not.      This infant says, 'I can't figure out how I get my caregiver to      come over and take care of me. I don't know what to do. I'm      feeling abandoned, so I better just put all my energy into trying      to get that person over here right now.'\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"Instead of shutting down,\" Harry explained, \"this infant protests      and cries even more. He clings and does everything possible to      signal that he is really, really distressed and, 'By God, you're      my caregiver and you just gotta take care of me!'\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e This is an \"insecure anxious attachment.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Drawing from a large number of studies, among the US population      about 55 percent of people tend to be relatively secure, 25      percent relatively avoidant, and 20 percent relatively anxious.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"These are pretty constant results,\" Harry said.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e They are also pretty consistent universally. Studies show similar      breakdowns among attachment styles across the globe, with only      slight variations among Western and non-Western nations, developed      and developing societies.","brand":"Tarcher","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46304271401189,"sku":"NP9780143132424","price":18.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780143132424.jpg?v=1767738220","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/products\/the-attachment-effect-isbn-9780143132424","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}