{"product_id":"text-me-when-you-get-home-isbn-9781101986141","title":"Text Me When You Get Home","description":"\u003cb\u003e“\u003ci\u003eText Me\u003c\/i\u003e has the thrills and laughs of a romantic comedy, but with an inverted message: ‘There just isn't only one love story in our lives,’ Schaefer writes. If you’re lucky, friends will be the protagonists in these multiple love stories. It’s high time that we start seeing it that way.”—NPR.org\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eA personal and sociological examination—and ultimately a celebration—of the evolution of female friendship in pop culture and modern society\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003eFor too long, women have been told that we are terrible at being friends, that we can’t help being cruel or competitive, or that we inevitably abandon each other for romantic partners. But we are rejecting those stereotypes and reclaiming the power of female friendship.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e In \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e, journalist Kayleen Schaefer interviews more than one hundred women about their BFFs, soulmates, girl gangs, and queens while tracing this cultural shift through the lens of pop culture. Our love for each other is reflected in Abbi and Ilana, Issa and Molly, #squadgoals, the acclaim of \u003ci\u003eGirls Trip\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eBig Little Lies\u003c\/i\u003e, and Galentine’s Day.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e Schaefer also includes her own history of grappling with a world that told her to rely on men before she realized that her true source of support came from a strong tribe of women. Her personal narrative and celebration of her own relationships weaves throughout the evolution of female friendship on-screen, a serious look at how women have come to value one another and our relationships.\u003cbr\u003e \u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e is a validation that has never existed before. A thoughtful, heart-soaring, deeply reported look at how women are taking a stand for their friendships and not letting go.\u003cb\u003ePraise for \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“A memoir of female friendship issues a call to action for BFFs everywhere.”\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e—The New York Times Book Review\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Text Me \u003c\/i\u003ehas the thrills and laughs of a romantic comedy, but with an inverted message: ‘There just isn't only one love story in our lives,’ Schaefer writes. If you're lucky, friends will be the protagonists in these multiple love stories. It's high time that we start seeing it that way.”\u003cb\u003e—NPR.org\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e“Schaefer traces the evolution of female friendship in this thoughtfully reported book. Its insightful cultural criticism makes for an especially valuable read in the #MeToo era.”\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003eEntertainment Weekly \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e“Uplifting.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e—People\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e“\u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home \u003c\/i\u003eis journalist Kayleen Schaefer’s love letter to her friends. Schaefer rejects the idea that women’s friendships are rife with dysfunction and that women themselves are somehow dysfunctional, a concept that she shows remains strong in popular culture…Schaefer shows that, contrary to pop culture’s emphasis on catfights and frenemies, women’s friendships are stabilizing and joyful.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e—The Washington Post\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “[A] witty, deep memoir [that] digs into the power and the glory of female friendships...Where to start unpacking the good news that Kayleen Schaefer broadcasts in her timely, nimble, essential memoir...Every page of this book has something valuable to impart about the necessity of fostering female bonds and tending them with the same care we give to our relationships with family, spouses, and children.”—\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eElle\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “Reading \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e feels like experiencing its subject—the intimate, slow-burning, miraculously comfortable thrill of making and keeping a lifelong friend. Kayleen Schaefer’s affectionate and clear-sighted exploration of female friendship is as romantic as a movie and as honest as the conversation on the third day of a road trip; reading it is as delightful as walking into a bar on a weeknight to see your friend already seated and ordering your drink.”—\u003cb\u003eJia Tolentino, staff writer at \u003ci\u003eThe New Yorker\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“Schaefer certainly puts friends first in \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e, a love letter to the power of female friendships in a world that would rather believe women are catty. From the friendship stories of everyday women to the evolution of cultural representation of women’s friendships, this uplifting book celebrates the friends who can be just as important (or more so) than our romantic partners.”—\u003cb\u003eParade.com\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e“Illuminating and uplifting… \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e will remind you of what a good friendship is supposed to look like, and inspire you to nurture your relationships with the strong women around you.”—\u003cb\u003eBustle \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“A hopeful celebration of women's friendships.”—\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eKirkus Reviews\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e“The title speaks for itself: I constantly say those exact words to my friends when we part ways or to my sister when she goes out for a run alone...Schaefer’s work is a great addition to this trend (and your bookshelf).” \u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e—Outside Magazine \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “\u003c\/i\u003eSchaefer creates a beautiful portrait of how modern female friendship has evolved to be a positive force that is making women stronger than ever....She artfully explains how the intense bond we experience as friends carries us through many different eras of our lives and dispels the idea that female friends are less important than romantic relationships, family, or careers....You will find something in this book that will make you want to text your own person and tell her how much she means to you.”—\u003cb\u003eBuzzfeed, Favorite Books of 2018\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“‘Text me when you get home.’ Those six words aren't just about getting home safely at the end of the night—they're really a story about how special and fierce friendships are between women.”\u003cb\u003e—NPR's Book Concierge \u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“[Schaefer’s] book about the incredible, complicated bonds of female friendship is relatable, familiar, and subverts the false notion that women are predisposed to hating each other.”—\u003cb\u003eMental Floss\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“This is a really good summer read to make you appreciate your friends. So just pick up a copy and you can finish it at the pool in like, a day. Just try not to cry in public.”\u003cb\u003e—The Betches\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“\u003ci\u003e\u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e offers a new sociological perspective—as well as a celebration—of female friendships today.”—\u003cb\u003ePopSugar\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“I went to an all-girls boarding school, so I thought I had a PhD in female friendship, but \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e put me in my place.”—\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eTown \u0026amp; Country,\u003c\/i\u003e Editor's Pick\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “I was deeply moved by this book. I cried and I laughed. I recognized myself in it. I felt raised up and also challenged. It felt like a delicious, long overdue conversation with a best friend I didn’t know I had. I will be giving this book to all my girlfriends.”\u003cb\u003e—Lennon Parham, creator, writer and star of \u003ci\u003eBest Friends Forever \u003c\/i\u003eand \u003ci\u003ePlaying House\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “Warning: this absolutely delightful and insightful book on the immense power of female friendship will make you book a trip to visit your college best friend immediately. You might even buy Beyoncé tickets. It’s that good.”\u003cb\u003e—Jessica St. Clair, creator, writer and star of\u003ci\u003e Best Friends Forever \u003c\/i\u003eand \u003ci\u003ePlaying House\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “Here’s a book to devour in two sittings....Readers of all generations will enjoy her engaging writing and may see their own friendships reflected in her stories.”\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003eBooklist\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“Part social history, part personal narrative, \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e is a Valentine to female friendship.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e—ShelfAwareness\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“A refreshing read that really gets at the heart of why portrayals on Insecure, Broad City, and everything in-between so greatly resonate.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e—Bitch Media\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“This in-depth look into the evolution of female friendship is one all women will benefit from this year.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e—Working Mother\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cb\u003eKayleen Schaefer\u003c\/b\u003e is a journalist and author of the bestselling Kindle Single memoir \u003ci\u003eFade Out\u003c\/i\u003e. Her work has appeared in \u003ci\u003eThe New York Times\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eVanity Fair\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eThe New Yorker\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eVogue\u003c\/i\u003e, and many other publications. She currently lives in New York City, and \u003ci\u003eText Me When You Get Home\u003c\/i\u003e is her first book.Chapter 1\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The Friendships That Shaped Our Own\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As I've gotten older, I've understood more the importance of      friendships, and so, I really make an effort to reach out and make      play dates, not let too much time go by.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e -Jane Fonda, actress, writer, political activist\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In 1969, a year and a half after my parents married, my dad, who      was a civil engineer in the Air Force, was sent to the war in      Vietnam. My mom stayed by herself in an apartment near the      military base in Omaha, Nebraska. She had a job teaching Spanish      to high school students, so during the day she went to work and at      night she came home and wrote my dad a letter. \"I made a promise      that I would write every night,\" she says. A couple she and my dad      had been friendly with looked after her, taking her to the movies      or out to dinner, but \"not weekly,\" she is quick to add.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e She didn't have any other friends, or want any, which is      inconceivable to me. It's not that I know my mom as someone who      surrounded herself with girlfriends. I don't. But I assumed that      at this point in her life, in her mid-twenties, by herself, states      away from her parents and siblings, she'd at least have looked to      other women for companionship and commiseration. Weren't there      other women on the base whose husbands were in Vietnam? But she      didn't.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"I never even thought of it,\" she says. \"I didn't desire it. I      concentrated on my teaching and wrote your dad letters. This was      my way to support the effort in Vietnam. I had to be tough, and      withstand anything; I couldn't be sad, or unhappy. I was just      busy.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e This is partly just my mom's personality. Being introspective,      especially if that might turn into feeling depressed, is as      unnatural to her as texting with her thumbs instead of her index      fingers.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e But her view on female friendships isn't unique among women of her      generation. She's in her seventies now, and no longer feels like      she has to soldier on being devoted only to her family. When she      was a young wife and mother, she thought of friendships as an      indulgence. They were nice, but not essential. What she was      responsible for was taking care of her family, so she restrained      herself from being interested in anything that would get in the      way of that.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e This was the contemporary view of how to live, at least if you      were white and in the professional class, according to Judith E.      Smith, a professor of American Studies at the University of      Massachusetts Boston. \"Heterosexual romance and the focus on the      heterosexual couple is one of the hallmarks of being modern,\" she      says. Men and women who had once looked for support from their      friendships and extended families, even after they were married,      now turned inward toward each other. My parents, who are white and      upper-middle class, did exactly this. They believed the family      unit superseded other relationships, and my early thinking that      female friendships were superfluous came directly from their      example and that of other families like ours in my hometown.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Some women, though, have always moved through the world together.      In the mid-twentieth century, the professional class focused on      their immediate families, but poorer, working-class women, who      were white and non-white, continued to depend on larger networks,      including relatives and female friends. They leaned on each other      for help with childcare and finding jobs, and for companionship      needs not met by sexual relationships. \"People who were living      from hand to mouth totally needed those additional relationships,\"      Smith says.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e At least in part because they couldn't afford not to, these women      raised their friendships to the same level as other relationships      in their lives. They took care of each other because it was      necessary for survival.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e My mom says she never felt lonely when she was a new wife, even      though she didnÕt have any girlfriends. It never quite made sense      to me because she had friends before she got married, in childhood      and college, and in her early twenties she shared a two-bedroom      apartment in West Covina, California, with three other women who      were also teachers. They became a foursome; everyone at school      knew their group. ÒI think they noticed us because we were young,      attractive, and single,Ó my mom says. My mom and one of her      roommates carpooled together in the mornings. There was only one      bathroom and never enough time, so every night before they went to      sleep, the roommate yelled at my mom, ÒAre you shaving your legs      tomorrow?Ó They went out to bars (my mom drank vodka gimlets) and      on trips together, to San Francisco, Bear Mountain, and Honolulu,      where they always shared one hotel room for the four of them,      partly because they didnÕt have much money and partly because it      was more fun. ÒWe were always talking late into the night,Ó she      says. After three years, they all moved out. At first they sent a      few letters back and forth, but eventually their only      communication was through annual Christmas cards.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The writer Judy Blume, who is in her seventies, also moved away      from her friends when she married, at twenty-one. She and her new      husband lived on a cul-de-sac in New Jersey, where she \"made this      new life, at least that's what I thought we were doing, a life      centered around my husband,\" she says. \"That's what we did then.      It may not have been true for everyone, but it was true for me.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e But unlike my mom, Blume reports, \"I was very lonely. I missed my      girlfriends terribly, my women friends.\" She soon had two children      to take care of, and her female neighbors were raising their own      kids, which they did inside their own homes. Today when she's at      her apartment in New York, she sees moms together, pushing      strollers in the park or eating together at the kinds of lunch      places that specialize in jam. \"I think, Wow, that's so different      from anything we did,\" she says. \"Because we didn't go out.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e One of the friends she missed was her best friend, Mary, whom she      met in seventh grade, when they were twelve. In ninth grade, they      dated the same guy. \"We were both mad about this boy,\" Blume says.      Instead of ruining their friendship, it gave them more in common.      \"We'd talk on the phone, like after she was out with him, after I      was out with him,\" she says. \"It was like, 'How many times did he      kiss you?'\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e When Blume lived in New Jersey with her husband, Mary lived in New      York with hers, and the couples didn't socialize. \"We'd married      such different guys,\" Blume says. \"Our husbands were never going      to be friends.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e She desperately wanted to find a friend like Mary in New Jersey.      Whenever she saw a moving truck on the cul-de-sac, she'd think,      This is going to be the one. I'm going to make a friend. She never      did. \"It just didn't turn out to be, and I can't tell you how      lonely I was without my female friendships,\" Blume says.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Instead, she started to write fiction. Her first book, The One in      the Middle Is the Green Kangaroo, was published in 1969, and Blume      went on to write many beloved children's and young adult books,      including Blubber, Deenie, and Are You There, God? It's Me,      Margaret. \"Writing saved my life,\" she says.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e But her new career made it even harder for her to make friends      with her neighbors. \"I think it was more of the times than the      women themselves,\" she says, \"but there was something there in      that neighborhood that, you know, there was a lot of, 'Who does      she think she is, writing? What makes her think she can do this?'      There was a lack of support that I had to get back in my life.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Throughout history, women have seen their bonds dismissed, picked      apart, or outright mocked. Men from classical philosophers to      religious leaders told women they had weak morals, which made it      impossible for them to engage in friendship. Because of this,      women may have been close, but they didnÕt dare call themselves      friends. ÒIn the texts we have, you donÕt find the word ÔfriendÕ      connected to women,Ó says Marilyn Sandidge, who coedited      Friendship in the Middle Ages and Early Modern Age with Albrecht      Classen. ÒThere arenÕt any women saying Ômy friend so and so.ÕÓ\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Only men used the word \"friend\" and only to talk about other men.      Critics have said this means that women didn't rely on each other      during this time, but \"that's just absurd,\" according to Sandidge.      Women were friends, but it's hard to find proof for two reasons,      both having to do with how marginalized women were. First, they      never wrote about themselves-men did the writing-so the      documentation of their private lives was paltry. Men wrote what      they thought about women or translated their thoughts. Catherine      M. Mooney writes in Gendered Voices: Medieval Saints and Their      Interpreters that women's words \"almost invariably reach us only      after having passed through the filters of their male confessors,      patrons, and scribes.\" But Sandidge says when you look closely at      how the men writing these books and documents describe what women      are saying and doing, you can see that they do have close      relationships with each other.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The second reason it's hard to point to these ties is that even if      women suspected they were friends, men told them that was      impossible. Women were too deceitful to relate to one another in      the pure, selfless way men did.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Men believed their friendships helped them grow spiritually-they      were based on being good to one another, behavior they assumed      would bring them closer to God. Women, on the other hand, could      never be so virtuous. \"Only men were strong enough to maintain a      serene, mostly rational, idealistic friendship with another      person,\" Sandidge says.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e All women could do, according to men, was mess up men's lives.      Ever since Eve ate the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden,      which got Adam and her kicked out, women have been cast as      sex-crazed, evil-seeking troublemakers. If it weren't for us, men      would never be tempted with sex, fight each other, or do anything      else regrettable. Aristotle's breakdown of the elements in the      human body, from about 330 BCE, continued this demonization of      women. He saw females as cold and wet, categorizations that meant      women were unstable and sexually threatening (males were the      opposite, warm and dry). This thinking continued to resonate      through the Middle Ages. \"We have a lot of liquids coming out of      us,\" Sandidge says. \"Men thought that was gross. That is the heart      of this misogyny and the reason we were seen as so sexual and      dangerous.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In the Middle Ages, the single way it was acceptable for women to      be friends was if they were cloistered in a monastery. \"There they      would be trained by the church and have their sex drive      contained,\" Sandidge says. Those women could then maybe have the      same kind of wholesome friendships men did.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As time went on, most men still didn't accept the concept of      female friendship. In the seventeenth century, Katherine Philips,      a poet who was known by the pseudonym Orinda, formed what she      called \"the Society of Friendship\" anyway. Historians debate      whether the group ever had formal meetings, but they did share      poems, and most of what Philips wrote about was friendship between      women.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e One of her poems, \"To My Excellent Lucasia, on Our Friendship,\"      read in part:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e But never had Orinda found\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e A soul till she found thine;\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Which now inspires, cures and supplies,\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e And guides my darkened breast:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e For thou art all that I can prize,\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e My joy, my life, my rest.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Some scholars have said Philips's work was about lesbianism, but      others, like Sandidge, see platonic affection. In 1657, Philips      wanted to clear up her confusion about why she seemed to have      achieved these deep friendships even though men told her she      couldn't. She wrote Jeremy Taylor, a religious leader, asking if      he could help her understand what was going on. She felt like a      true friend. Could she be one?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Taylor wrote back and published his response: \"A Discourse of the      Nature, Offices, and Measures of Friendship, with Rules of      Conducting It, in a Letter to the Most Ingenious and Excellent      Mrs. Katharine [sic] Philips.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e His answer, summarized, was that unlike many other men, he was      okay with women having friends. He writes, \"Madam, you may see how      much I differ from the morosity of those cynics, who would not      admit your sex into the communities of a noble friendship.\" He      goes on to talk about how devoted women can be. \"A woman can love      as passionately, and converse as pleasantly, and retain a secret      as faithfully, and be useful in her proper ministries, and she can      die for her friend as well as the bravest Roman knight,\" he      writes.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Still, despite this, he concludes that Philips and all other women      aren't as skilled at friendships as men are, simply because      they're women. \"I cannot say that women are capable of all of      those excellences, by which men can oblige the world; and      therefore a female friend in some cases is not so good a      counsellor as a wise man,\" he writes.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e This history helps explain how the idea that women can't trust      each other, that we're better off forgoing friendship because      eventually we're going to fail at it, became so intractable. Men      told us not to rely on our own sex-and turn to them instead.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In my grandmotherÕs and motherÕs generations, female friends met      mostly through their husbands and children. What time they spent      together was usually alongside a family member, if they joined a      couplesÕ group or dragged a toddler to afternoon tea. If they had      a hobby in common, they might get together for it. In the 1950s in      Sheboygan, Wisconsin, when my grandmother, Christine (my momÕs      mother) was in her forties, she played the card game canasta with      three other women every month. Other than that my mom doesnÕt      remember her having many friends. She had a husband and four      children and was busy caring for them, cooking-every day, she made      breakfast, lunch, and dinner-and doing laundry. On Mondays, she      washed the clothes and then spent the rest of the week ironing      them. ÒThere was no such thing as not ironing then,Ó my mom says.      ÒWhenever I came home from school, I usually found her ironing.Ó      The women whom she talked with most regularly were other      relatives, like her nephewÕs wife, Betty, who would come by once      in a while, or her sister-in-law Elaine, who called sometimes. On      canasta nights, though, sheÕd have dinner with the family and then      leave to join her friends, in a nice dress and heels. ÒI liked      seeing my mom go out by herself,Ó my mom recalls. When the women      came over to her house, my mom remembers them talking and laughing      around a card table set up in the living room. 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