Sh*t My Dad Says

“This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society.” —Chelsea Handler

Tuesdays with Morrie meets F My Life in this hilarious book about a son’s relationship with his foul-mouthed father by the comedy writer who created the massively popular Twitter feed of the same name.

A few months ago, comedy writer Justin Halpern, 29, found himself living at home with his 73-year-old father after being dumped by his longtime girlfriend. Sam Halpern had never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he was smart enough to write down all the ridiculous things his dad said to him, like “The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit,” and “The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2,” and “Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It’s for all the dummies.” These quotes, or philosophies, have become “Shit My Dad Says,” a Twitter page that in less than a month was being followed by over 500,000 people, had spawned articles in newspapers and magazines, as well as inspiring calls from movie and television producers, celebrities, and just about everyone else who heard about the site.

SH*T MY DAD SAYS, Justin Halpern’s first book, is a mix of his dad’s quotations and longer-form comedic essays in the vein of David Sedaris and Chelsea Hander. It is a hilarious, unforgettable, and surprisingly heartwarming account of a unique father-son relationship and the filthy words of wisdom that have defined it.

What happens when a 29-year-old moves back in with his unfiltered, 73-year-old father?

• Based on the Popular Twitter Feed: Discover the full stories and new material behind the viral quotes that launched an internet phenomenon.
• Laugh Out Loud Humor: Experience Sam Halpern’s unfiltered wisdom on everything from kindergarten being hard to why you should never, ever eat a Snausage.
• A Unique Father-Son Book: Go beyond the hilarious one-liners to explore the surprisingly touching and unforgettable relationship between Justin and his curmudgeonly dad.
• Witty and Irreverent Essays: Perfect for fans of David Sedaris and Chelsea Handler, this collection tackles life, love, and why you should never, ever lie (unless you’re a Nazi).

After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, twenty-eight-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his seventy-three-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is "like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair," has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him:

"That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them."

"Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started fucking."

"The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two."

More than a million people now follow Mr. Halpern's philosophical musings on Twitter, and in this book, his son weaves a brilliantly funny, touching coming-of-age memoir around the best of his quotes. An all-American story that unfolds on the Little League field, in Denny's, during excruciating family road trips, and, most frequently, in the Halperns' kitchen over bowls of Grape-Nuts, Sh*t My Dad Says is a chaotic, hilarious, true portrait of a father-son relationship from a major new comic voice.

“Read this unless you’re allergic to laughing.” - Kristen Bell

“Justin Halpern’s dad is up there with Aristotle and Winston F*cking Churchill. He’s brilliant, and his son’s book is absolutely hilarious.” - A.J. Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Know-It-All

“This book is ridiculously hilarious, and makes my father look like a normal member of society.” - Chelsea Handler

“If you’re wondering if there is a real man behind the quotes on Twitter, the answer is a definite and laugh-out-loud yes.” - Christian Lander, New York Times bestselling author of Stuff White People Like

“Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching—and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.” - Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club

“A fun gift book that is bound to crack up anyone who flips through it.” - Los Angeles Times

“Shoot-beer-out-your-nose funny.” - Maxim

Sh*t My Dad Says is f______ great!...Very funny, very irreverent, very real. It’s refreshing at a time when we’re all choking to death on political correctness and can go for days without meeting a single person with common sense.” - Janet Evanovich, Time Magazine