{"product_id":"no-more-mean-girls-isbn-9780143130864","title":"No More Mean Girls","description":"\u003cb\u003eIn this \u003ci\u003eQueen Bees and Wannabes\u003c\/i\u003e for the elementary and middle school set, child and adolescent psychotherapist Katie Hurley shows parents of young girls how to nip mean girl behavior in the bud.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eOnce upon a time, mean girls primarily existed in high school, while elementary school-aged girls spent hours at play and enjoyed friendships without much drama. But in this fast-paced world in which young girls are exposed to negative behaviors on TV and social media from the moment they enter school, they are also becoming caught up in social hierarchies much earlier. \u003ci\u003eNo More Mean Girls \u003c\/i\u003eis a guide for parents to help their young daughters navigate tricky territories such as friendship building, creating an authentic self, standing up for themselves and others, and expressing themselves in a healthy way.\u003cbr\u003e     The need to be liked by others certainly isn't new, but this generation of girls is growing up in an age when the \"like\" button shows the world just how well-liked they are. When girls acknowledge that they possess positive traits that make them interesting, strong, and likeable, however, the focus shifts and their self-confidence soars; \"likes\" lose their importance. This book offers actionable steps to help parents empower young girls to be kind, confident leaders who work together and build each other up.\"A veritable treasure chest of ways to help you help girls learn to love themselves, realize their talents, get along and empathize with others, find their inner courage, and lead more successful and fulfilled lives. The fact is, this may well be the only book you will need to raise great girls.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—from the foreword by Michele Borba, EdD, bestselling author of\u003ci\u003e Unselfie \u003c\/i\u003eand \u003ci\u003eThe Big Book of Parenting Solutions\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Far too many girls, suffering serious stressors and societal pressures at an early age, are struggling with self-esteem and are cruel to one another. Hurley immerses herself in this complex world and sheds critical light on how we can do the vital work of raising girls who are sturdier, kinder, and more able to thrive. Her guidance is wise, practical, and concrete.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Richard Weissbourd, senior lecturer and faculty director, Making Caring Common, Harvard Graduate School of Education\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Katie Hurley’s \u003ci\u003eNo More Mean Girls\u003c\/i\u003e will be an oft-referenced book on my shelf because Hurley’s expertise goes beyond the academic. She has real, practical experience working with girls, and their words are one of the most valuable parts of this book. Hurley’s practical advice is a boon to any parent who hopes to ease a daughter through the challenging terrain of childhood and adolescence, particularly when that childhood is lived in the harsh spotlight of social media.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Jessica Lahey, \u003ci\u003eNew York Times\u003c\/i\u003e bestselling author of \u003ci\u003eThe Gift of Failure\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Katie Hurley does the impossible—she takes the mystery and angst out of parenting a teen girl by thoughtfully illuminating her thoughts and experiences. With practical language and relatable anecdotes, Katie offers real compassion for the parent and teen that covers tough subjects, common stressors, and points of conflict. I hope this book reaches the hands of every parent, teacher, coach, mentor, and individual who plays a role in helping girls grow and thrive in today’s world.\" \u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Rachel Macy Stafford, \u003ci\u003eNew York Times\u003c\/i\u003e bestselling author of \u003ci\u003eHands Free Mama\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eHands Free Life\u003c\/i\u003e, and \u003ci\u003eOnly Love Today \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Now more than ever, young girls need to learn to stand tall and stick together. Katie Hurley's \u003ci\u003eNo More Mean Girls \u003c\/i\u003eprovides a blueprint for parents and educators to raise confident and compassionate leaders in a modern world.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Idina Menzel, Tony Award-winning actress and singer \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“The landscape of girlhood is constantly changing, and even the youngest girls are tasked with learning how to navigate tricky social situations and emotional upheaval. \u003ci\u003eNo More Mean Girls\u003c\/i\u003e provides practical, research-based tips for raising strong, confident, and compassionate girls. A must-read for parents and educators!”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Amy McCready, author of \u003ci\u003eThe “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"\u003ci\u003eNo More Mean Girls \u003c\/i\u003eprovides a practical road map for guiding girls through the challenges of growing up so that they become the compassionate leaders so needed in this world. An essential handbook for parents, teachers, counselors, and anyone who is fortunate enough to contribute to the raising of our precious daughters.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Susan Stiffelman, MFT, author of \u003ci\u003eParenting with Presence\u003c\/i\u003e and\u003ci\u003e Parenting Without Power Struggles \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"As a parenting author, mother of a daughter, and survivor of the mean girl scene myself, I found this book so insightful, helpful, and enlightening.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Jessica Joelle Alexander, coauthor of \u003ci\u003eThe Danish Way of Parenting\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Hurley’s user-friendly layout and compassionate advice ensure that her book will be a useful workbook not just for parents, but also for youth counselors, teachers, and other caregivers.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003ePublisher's Weekly\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\"Hurley pairs insightful and instructive discussion of the social battles young girls face with the tools families need to help tackle them successfully. This is a helpful guide for raising strong, assertive, socially intuitive young women.”\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e—\u003ci\u003eBooklist\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cb\u003eKatie Hurley, LCSW,\u003c\/b\u003e is a child and adolescent psychotherapist, parenting expert, and writer. She is the founder of \"Girls Can!\" empowerment groups for girls between ages 5-11. Hurley is also the author of \u003ci\u003eThe Happy Kid Handbook\u003c\/i\u003e, and her work can be found in \u003ci\u003eThe Washington Post\u003c\/i\u003e, PBS Parents, and \u003ci\u003eUS News and World Report\u003c\/i\u003e, among other places. She practices psychotherapy in the South Bay area of Los Angeles and earned her BA in psychology and women's studies from Boston College and her MSW from the University of Pennsylvania. She splits her time between Los Angeles, California and coastal Connecticut with her husband and two children.Chapter 1\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e What's in a Friend?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The way we will survive is by being kind.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e -Amy Poehler\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e My mom says [my classmate] is a mean girl. You know? Like the      queen bee? The one who tells everyone else what to do and who to      talk to?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e -A third-grade girl\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Mean girls and queen bees certainly aren't a new phenomenon, and      these popular labels have been around for quite some time now, but      hearing those words out of the mouth of an eight-year-old girl was      a bit jarring. I didn't know the \"mean girl\" in question, so my      frame of reference was limited. What I did know was the girl in      front of me had her mind made up: That other girl was labeled and      placed in the \"Do not friend\" file.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The \"mean girl\" narrative is so old that it even pops up in      literature I read as a child. In fact, when I began reading a      well-loved copy of Little Women to my daughter not long ago, I      found (two pages in) that \"mean girls\" have a long history in the      life of girls:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \"I don't believe any of you suffer as I do,\" cried Amy, \"for you      don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you      if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and      label your father if he isn't rich, and insult you when your nose      isn't nice.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e For reference, Louisa May Alcott first published Little Women in      two installments in 1868 and 1869. Yes, mean girls come with the      territory of girlhood, it seems. What's different is that those      queen bees are getting younger and younger.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e I was working as a school-based therapist in Los Angeles in early      2001 when I first noticed a subtle shift in the way elementary      school girls related to one another. It was a small school, and      the kids generally got along, but the tides turned for one      particular group of girls in fourth grade. Together since first or      second grade, they knew each other well and always sat in the same      spots for lunch every day. Until they didn't. One day, three girls      broke off and left the others devastated.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Molly was the first to come to me, a look of pure outrage across      her face. In fairness, Molly was often outraged about      something-homework, lessons she found boring, not enough to do at      recess. She was the kind of kid who had advocacy running through      her blood. On this particular day, the outrage was more personal.      She was the first out to lunch and secured the usual table. Two of      her daily lunch mates sat down within minutes, but three others      never showed. After scanning the playground, Molly caught sight of      them sitting under some trees.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In Molly's version of events, she walked over to the girls and      politely inquired about why they weren't with the group. I knew      her well enough to know that she likely marched over, fists      clenched at her sides, demanding answers. Either way, the answer      was a blow to Molly. \"We just want to be alone today.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Had this been a one-time occurrence, it wouldn't have mattered      much. But day after day for nearly a month, the three girls took      off without inviting the others. They moved their seats in the      classroom. They stopped playing with the other girls during      recess. It was as if they formed a completely separate group. And      the ones left behind felt hurt, confused, and abandoned.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e At the time, I struggled to make sense of how the group reached      that point. Sure, friends argue and kids often make new friends      and move on from friendships that aren't working. But this felt      different. It was as if someone took a giant Sharpie and drew a      clear line down the middle of the group. Was it media influence?      Older siblings? Did something catastrophic happen within the      group? In reality, it wasn't any of those things. It was a      powerful combination of frustration and poor communication skills.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e After what felt like thousands of grievances and explanations      coming in from both sides of the issue, I decided to offer a new      solution. I created a girls' lunch group that met once a week      during the lunch\/recess period. It was open to any girl who wanted      to join, and it was often packed. As it turned out, the girls were      fairly bored at recess, and this negatively affected their      relationships. They were high on complaints but low on solutions.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The larger problem, however, was that they were growing up and      growing apart and needing some space some of the time, but they      weren't communicating those feelings. Instead of talking to each      other, they split off. Issues that annoyed them but went unsaid in      an effort to avoid being \"mean\" came out in those lunch groups. It      was slow at first, but a few weeks in they were sharing and      communicating and yelling and apologizing. They talked about      behaviors that bugged them (like one girl who always took over      every conversation) and what they really wanted from a friend. It      wasn't always perfect, but they were learning to work through the      stuff that bothered them and caused them to pull away from one      another.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e If I'm being honest, there were weeks when I was convinced that      this plan to reunite friends and teach social skills wasn't even      making a dent in the problem. I didn't use a curriculum because I      wanted to meet these girls where they were and go from there. It      was complicated by the fact that the group was large and the      lunch\/recess period was short. But the day that I asked each of      them to write a friendship compliment (a kind thought about one of      their friends) on a balloon and toss it in the air was the day      that everything changed. The girls laughed together as they tossed      balloons around the room. They jumped around, joked, and acted      like kids again. They let go of their insecurities and got lost in      the moment. After that, they began to find their way again. Little      by little, they chipped away at the negativity and worked through      their friendship struggles. They also learned an important lesson:      They could be friends and support one another without sitting in      the same seats each day and following each other around.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In recent years, I've seen this behavior in girls as young as      kindergarten. Behavior that was once considered middle school-ish      in nature has trickled down to the early elementary years. By      middle school, many girls have more complex social relationships.      When they exclude others, spread gossip, or take to social media      to air their grievances about other girls, they do it with intent      to hurt. Young children, on the other hand, don't yet have the      advanced social skills to understand this behavior, but they do      engage in it. When a group decides to exclude one girl, for      example, many of the girls in the group are likely to know that      it's wrong and even feel uncomfortable about it, but they won't      necessarily have the language to express it or the assertiveness      skills to put a stop to it. Bystanders are everywhere.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Parent-Teacher Conference\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Young children tend to engage in black-and-white (all-or-nothing)      thinking and other cognitive distortions. Watch for these kinds of      thought patterns when it comes to friendship troubles:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Overgeneralizing-Making a broad conclusion based on a single      incident (e.g., I left her out one time, and she was upset, so now      she'll never want to hang out with me).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Catastrophizing-Putting more weight on the worst possible outcome      than makes sense given the circumstances (e.g., She'll never be my      friend because I don't play soccer).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Magnifying or minimizing-These are the \"mountains out of      molehills\" kids.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Mind reading-These kids tend to infer (incorrectly) another      child's thoughts based on behavior or facial expressions.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Blaming-Some kids can always find a way to blame the other child.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Discounting the positive-Some kids will see a positive      communication as a mistake and focus on the perceived negatives      instead (e.g., She only said \"hi\" because I was with her other      friend; she really doesn't like me).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Predicting outcomes-These are the fortune-tellers        (e.g., I know that group won't want me to sit with them, so I      won't try).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e All-or-nothing thinking-I see this one a lot with young girls      (e.g., She didn't sit at my table, so obviously we aren't friends      anymore).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e A young girl midway through kindergarten came to me wringing her      hands and staring at her feet. Silenced by guilt, she struggled to      get a word out. A few rounds of Uno later, she finally met my eyes      and started to cry. She had made a \"huge\" mistake that day. Two      girls told her that to play house with them she had to leave her      closest friend behind. She really wanted to play house at recess      that day, but it came at a price. The price was that it wasn't any      fun. She spent the whole recess looking over at her friend, who      was alone in the yard, wishing that she could go back in time and      change her mind. Instead of breaking away to apologize, she      watched and stood silent. She didn't think she could fix the      problem, so instead she worked herself into a stomachache and      worried that her best friend was lost forever. She made a big      assumption that day, and that assumption (which was, in fact,      incorrect) caused emotional upset for her friend and for her.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e One thing I have found over and over again in my practice is that      young girls struggle with the art of friendship making. Years ago,      preschools and kindergarten classrooms spent a fair amount of time      working on things like social skills and character development.      These days, childhood is on fast-forward, and kids are cruising      through the early years without learning essential life skills.      They don't have the time to practice friendship skills, and they      don't get the necessary feedback to learn better ways to relate.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e When I was in fourth grade, I started a girls' club with my best      friend and one other friend. It was an impulse club, most likely      started to keep meddling brothers away. We spent one Saturday      afternoon in my best friend's basement making signs for our      nonexistent clubhouse. We called ourselves the Smelly Sneakers.      Pretty catchy, don't you think? And we made the colossal mistake      of discussing the club the following Monday morning at school. By      lunch, word had spread, and the teacher called us in to talk about      what it feels like to be left out. Despite the fact that the club      was nothing but a poster and a funny name (it wasn't our intention      to be \"exclusive\"; we just happened to play together that day),      clubs were outlawed and the Smelly Sneakers came to a quick      demise. The three of us learned an important lesson: Even when you      think something is just funny, you might hurt someone else's      feelings. Think twice.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In hindsight, that was an early peek into what could have become      relational aggression. Our teacher took the time to teach us about      the potential impact of a secret club. She might not have used      words like \"empathy\" and \"compassion,\" but she did get us thinking      about what it would feel like to be the one on the outside. When      we went back out to play, we joined the larger group, and that was      the end of clubs. From that point on, we all played in groups      during recess based on what we wanted to play. That was then; this      is now.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e With young girls living fairly scripted lives-playdates are      planned on their behalf, afternoons are full of structured      activities (coached or taught by adults), weekends are jam-packed      with games and parties (overseen by adults)-they don't have the      opportunities to practice these necessary friendship skills. The      Smelly Sneakers might have been a friendship fail, but three girls      learned some very important lessons from it, and that translated      to better social skills down the line. Unfortunately, girls don't      always have the time or opportunities to learn these important      social skills on their own because their days are heavily      supervised.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e What Is Relational Aggression?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Relational aggression plays a significant role in girl world right      now. I can't tell you how many messages I field about this very      topic. Part of the problem is that it's confusing at best. It's      difficult for girls, parents, and teachers to determine when an      act of unkindness is a social misstep due to lack of sophisticated      social skills versus when it's a deliberate act to harm another      girl. Relational aggression is also very difficult to spot. Things      like alliance building and gossip can be carried out in whispers      (or under the cover of technology), making it hard for teachers to      \"see\" the behavior in real time.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The Ophelia Project, a national nonprofit organization with      expertise in relational aggression, defines relational aggression      as \"behavior that is intended to harm someone by damaging or      manipulating his or her relationships with others.\" A few fast      facts shared by the Ophelia Project paint a fairly grim picture.      According to their statistics, 48 percent of students are      regularly exposed to relational aggression. Another study shows      that students ages 11-15 reported that they were exposed to 33      acts of relational aggression during a typical week.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Being the victim of relational aggression can come with some      long-term consequences. In fact, relational aggression is said to      be as painful and devastating as physical blows, and the negative      effects of these behaviors can last even longer. Part of this is      no doubt due to the fact that relational aggression is hard to      spot, and that makes it difficult to address. When girls do come      forward, it's often viewed as \"girl drama\" (my least favorite word      combination ever), or it quickly becomes a \"she said-she said\"      debate. It's a lose-lose for the victim (and the aggressor, if      we're being honest, because she doesn't learn how to be a better      friend or how to stop hurting other girls).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Parent-Teacher Conference\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Relational aggression has been observed in kids as young as      preschool and comes with big consequences:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e School absences\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Mental health issues (depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts)\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Headaches and stomachaches\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Poor academic performance\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Behavioral problems (at school and at home)\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Eating disorders\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Substance abuse\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Relational aggression comes in many forms these days, and advances      in technology mean that very young girls are dealing with some      very mature issues, whether or not they're developmentally      prepared to do so. The average age that a child gets a smartphone      is 10.3 years. That's roughly fourth grade. But what it really      means is that there are some younger girls walking around with      technology in their pockets. Once upon a time, relational      aggression was restricted to note passing and rumor spreading, but      these days a group text can take down a child in an instant. Is      sheltering our daughters from technology the answer? No.      Understanding what's happening, familiarizing ourselves with the      communication patterns of the modern girl, and educating our girls      is a much better approach.A Guide for Parents of Girls Ages Three to Eleven","brand":"Tarcher","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46300353790181,"sku":"NP9780143130864","price":18.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780143130864.jpg?v=1767733812","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/products\/no-more-mean-girls-isbn-9780143130864","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}