Making Hostile Words Harmless

Infused with wisdom and a strong dose of humor, Making Hostile Words Harmless offers therapists and their clients a unique collection of effective exercises and bully-busting responses guaranteed to diffuse difficult exchanges. Filled with helpful tools, the book uses the martial art of Aikido, or the 'way of harmony' to teach the 'verbal arts' of confirming, inquiring, understanding, and evoking.

Case Stories xi

Introduction xiii

Acknowledgments xxi

Chapter 1 Difficult People and the Art of Aikidō 1

Martial Arts—East Does Not Meet West 2

Verbal Arts 3

Instinctual Reactions 4

Turning the Spotlight 5

Response versus Reaction 6

Chapter 2 Acting as If—The Art of Confirming 9

What and Why of Confirming 10

Art of Agreement 11

Speak It as You Want It 13

Counting on Compliments 16

Drama Is Worth a Thousand Words 22

Reverse Resistance with Psychology 24

Exercise 25

All-Purpose Confirmations 27

Chapter 3 Asking Questions—The Art of Inquiry 31

Dialogues 32

Pseudoquestions 34

Asking Questions to Avoid Assumptions 35

Asking Hidden Questions to Promote Contemplation 37

Spotlight Effect 38

Asking Questions to Prevent Prying 39

Asking Questions to Evoke Inquiry 41

Asking Questions that Give People a False Choice 44

Asking Questions that Predict Success 46

Exercise 47

All-Purpose Questions 49

Chapter 4 Active Listening—The Art of Understanding 51

How Listening Became Active 52

Therapeutic Triangles—Reflect Harsh Words Away from Targets 58

Narrating Behavior and Diction 59

Naming the Game 61

Filial Therapy Narrations 62

Refinement of Active Listening 64

Active Listening Add-Ons 65

Active Listening for Empowerment 67

Exercise 71

Advantages of Active Listening 73

Chapter 5 Hypnosis and Humor—The Art of Evoking 75

Modern Hypnotherapy 76

Hypnotic Basics in the Verbal Arts 78

Advanced Hypnotic Patterns 79

Exercise 95

Comedy Connection 97

Chapter 6 Taking a Stand by Opposing 101

‘‘I’’ Position 102

Taking a Stand Effortlessly 103

Disagreeing Effortlessly 108

Handling a Backlash 109

Buber Takes a Stand 111

Chapter 7 Teaching Positive Speaking to Clients 115

Positive Speaking Training Steps 115

Aikidō Cross Training (Step 5) 117

Positive Speaking for Interpersonal Issues 118

Interference from Inner Bullies 120

Limits of Positive Speaking 122

Goals of Positive Speaking 124

Maintaining Balance with High-Wire Families 125

Chapter 8 Workshops on Positive Speaking 129

Bonus: For Practice or Presentations 130

Possible Workshop Titles 130

Program Description 131

Learning Objectives 132

Materials 133

Scripted Program Outline 133

Quiz 143

Feedback Form 148

Handout 149

Questionnaire 150

Cruel Comments Worksheet 150

Quiz Answers 155

Appendix A Verbal Arts Terms 159

Appendix B All-Purpose One-Liners 165

Appendix C Psychotherapy Approaches Referenced in the Text 167

References 171

About the Author 173

Index 175

KATE COHEN-POSEY is Director of Psychiatric & Psychological Services in Lakeland, Florida. She is the author of Empowering Dialogues Within: A Workbook for Helping Professionals and Their Clients, Brief Therapy Client Handouts (both published by Wiley) and How to Handle Bullies, Teasers, and Other Meanies. A dynamic presenter, she has a passion for helping laypeople and professionals discover grace in life's grueling moments.

"Making Hostile Words Harmless contains skills that change lives. Everyone who reads this book will wish they had read it years and years ago. Highly recommended." —Stephen R. Lankton, MSW, DAHB, DCSW, Editor, American Journal of Clinical Hypnosis

"Ancient wisdom and sound therapeutic practice meet current challenges for making the hostile harmless. In this book, Kate Cohen-Posey provides a pragmatic therapeutic posture illustrated by heaps of helpful one-line examples with potential benefits for clients and therapists alike." —George W. Burns, Clinical Psychologist Director, Milton H. Erickson Institute of Western Australia

"Kate Cohen-Posey has written a delightful book to help clients create reframes, positive responses, and alternative perspectives to the negative comments of others. If people read this book, who knows, maybe civility with a touch of humor will break out." —William J. Matthews, PhD, Editor, Current Thinking and Research in Brief Therapy

A GROUNDBREAKING NEW GUIDE INTRODUCING A CREATIVE AND POSITIVE APPROACH FOR DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Making Hostile Words Harmless creatively offers therapists and their clients a unique collection of effective exercises and bully-busting responses guaranteed to defuse difficult exchanges.

Based on the martial art of Aikido— the "way of harmony"—as a model to teach the verbal arts of confirming, inquiring, understanding, and evoking, this unique book:

• Helps professionals and their clients learn empowering skills that will enable them to deal with negative verbiage and hurtful words
• Presents an easy-to-remember acronym, 'AAAH,' for neutralizing negativity: Acting-as-if, Asking questions, Active listening, and Hypnotic and humorous responses
• Offers sample dialogues, case vignettes, and other??tools for using this approach

Infused with wisdom and a strong dose of humor, Making Hostile Words Harmless presents a unique combination of ancient philosophy and current psychology that offers antidotes to venomous communication with the goal of ending word warfare.