{"product_id":"i-thought-it-was-just-me-but-it-isnt-isbn-9781592403356","title":"I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)","description":"\u003cb\u003eResearcher, thought leader, and \u003ci\u003eNew York Times\u003c\/i\u003e bestselling author Brené Brown offers a liberating study on the importance of our imperfections—both to our relationships and to our own sense of self\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003eThe quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting. There is a constant barrage of social expectations that teach us that being imperfect is synonymous with being inadequate. Everywhere we turn, there are messages that tell us who, what and how we’re supposed to be. So, we learn to hide our struggles and protect ourselves from shame, judgment, criticism and blame by seeking safety in pretending and perfection. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBrené Brown, PhD, LMSW, is the leading authority on the power of vulnerability, and has inspired thousands through her top-selling books \u003ci\u003eDaring Greatly\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eRising Strong\u003c\/i\u003e, and \u003ci\u003eThe Gifts of Imperfection\u003c\/i\u003e, her wildly popular TEDx talks, and a PBS special. Based on seven years of her ground-breaking research and hundreds of interviews, \u003ci\u003eI Thought It Was Just Me\u003c\/i\u003e shines a long-overdue light on an important truth: Our imperfections are what connect us to each other and to our humanity. Our vulnerabilities are not weaknesses; they are powerful reminders to keep our hearts and minds open to the reality that we’re all in this together. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBrown writes, “We need our lives back. It’s time to reclaim the gifts of imperfection—the courage to be real, the compassion we need to love ourselves and others, and the connection that gives true purpose and meaning to life. These are the gifts that bring love, laughter, gratitude, empathy and joy into our lives.”“Brown offers insights and strategies for understanding shame and overcoming its power over women… An interesting look at a debilitating emotion that stunts the potential of too many women.”—\u003ci\u003eBooklist\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“Brown is clearly passionate and knowledgeable about her subject and has a smooth writing style.”—\u003ci\u003eLibrary Journal\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“\u003c\/i\u003eShame is a profoundly debilitating emotion. It drives our fears of not being good enough. We can learn to feel shame about anything that is real about us --- our shape, our accent, our financial situation, our wrinkles, our size, our illness, or how we spend our day. \u003ci\u003eI Thought It Was Just Me \u003c\/i\u003eis an urgent and compelling invitation to examine our struggles with shame and to learn valuable tools to become our best, most authentic selves. Grounded in exceptional scholarship and filled with inspiring stories, this is one of those rare books that has the potential to turn lives around.”\u003ci\u003e—\u003c\/i\u003eHarriet Lerner, Ph.D. author of \u003ci\u003eThe Dance of Anger\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“Brené Brown has written an insightful and informative study of a subject that leaves many women feeling trapped and powerless. Her analysis of how women are often caught in shame, is in itself liberating, and her thoughtful suggestions will help readers continue to free themselves from emotional debilitation in ways they may not even realize are possible. \u003ci\u003eI Thought It Was Just Me\u003c\/i\u003e can be a doorway to freedom and self-esteem for many, many readers.”—Martha Beck, Ph.D., columnist, \u003ci\u003eO, The Oprah Magazine\u003c\/i\u003e, and author of \u003ci\u003eFinding Your Own Northstar\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\"Brené Brown’s ability to explore shame and resilience with humor, vulnerability and honesty is both uplifting and liberating. If we want to change our lives, our relationships or even the world, we must start by understanding and overcoming the shame that keeps us silent. This important and hopeful book offers a bold new perspective on the power of telling our stories.\"—Professor Jody Williams, 1997 Nobel Peace Prize Recipient; Campaign Ambassador, International Campaign to Ban Landmines\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"This is an important and inspiring book that offers understanding and validation to the painful feelings that come with the beliefs that we are not good enough or we should be different than who we are. Brené Brown walks us on a path that releases the shackles of inadequacy and leads us to embracing our authentic selves.\"—Claudia Black, Ph.D. author of \u003ci\u003eIt Will Never Happen To Me\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cb\u003eBrené Brown\u003c\/b\u003e is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation–Brené Brown Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She is also a visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business. Brown has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy and is the author of five #1 \u003ci\u003eNew York Times\u003c\/i\u003e bestsellers: \u003ci\u003eThe Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, Rising Strong, Braving the Wilderness,\u003c\/i\u003e and her latest book, \u003ci\u003eDare to Lead\u003c\/i\u003e, which is the culmination of a seven-year study on courage and leadership. She hosts the \u003ci\u003eUnlocking Us \u003c\/i\u003eand \u003ci\u003eDare to Lead\u003c\/i\u003e podcasts, and her TEDx talk, “The Power of Vulnerability,” is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world with more than 50 million views. She is also the first researcher to have a filmed lecture on Netflix. \u003ci\u003eThe Call to Courage\u003c\/i\u003e special debuted on the streaming service on April 19, 2019. Brené Brown lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and Charlie.\u003cp\u003eTable of Contents\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTitle Page\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eCopyright Page\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDedication\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAcknowledgements\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eINTRODUCTION\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eONE - Understanding Shame\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTWO - Shame Resilience and the Power of Empathy\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTHREE - The First Element: Recognizing Shame and Understanding Our Triggers\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFOUR - The Second Element:   Practicing Critical Awareness\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFIVE - The Third Element: Reaching Out\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSIX - The Fourth Element: Speaking Shame\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSEVEN - Practicing Courage in a Culture of Fear\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEIGHT - Practicing Compassion in a Culture of Blame\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNINE - Practicing Connection in a Culture of Disconnection\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTEN - Creating a Culture of Connection\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eRECOMMENDATIONS, RESOURCES AND REFERENCES\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eINDEX\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAbout the Author\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGOTHAM BOOKS \u003cbr\u003ePublished by Penguin Group (USA) Inc. \u003cbr\u003e375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. \u003cbr\u003ePenguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P \u003cbr\u003e2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.); Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, \u003cbr\u003eLondon WC2R 0RL, England; Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland \u003cbr\u003e(a division of Penguin Books Ltd); Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, \u003cbr\u003eCamberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd); \u003cbr\u003ePenguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi -110017, \u003cbr\u003eIndia; Penguin Group (NZ), cnr Airborne and Rosedale Roads, Albany, Auckland 1310, \u003cbr\u003eNew Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd); Penguin Books (South Africa) \u003cbr\u003e(Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003ePenguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003ePublished by Gotham Books, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eFirst printing, February 2007 \u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eCopyright © 2007 by Brené Brown\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eAll rights reserved\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“Shame” © 1988 by Vern Rutsala is reprinted with permission of the author.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eGotham Books and the skyscraper logo are trademarks of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eLIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA \u003cbr\u003eBrown, C. Brené \u003cbr\u003eI thought it was just me : women reclaiming power and courage in a culture of shame \/ \u003cbr\u003eBrené Brown. \u003cbr\u003ep. cm.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eISBN: 9781440622229\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e1. Women—Psychology. 2. Shame. I. Title. \u003cbr\u003eHQ1206.B765 2007 \u003cbr\u003e152.4’4082—dc22 2006026945\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eWithout limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eThe scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eWhile the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFOR THE WOMEN WHO INSPIRE ME\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003emy mom\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003emy sisters\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003emy daughter\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003emy friends\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003emy teachers\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003emy students\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003emy sister social workers\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003ethe artists and activists\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003ethe researchers and writers\u003c\/i\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003ethe women who shared their stories to make this work possible\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eACKNOWLEDGMENTS\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eW\u003c\/b\u003eriting this book has fundamentally changed my life. Every time it became too hard, I thought about the research participants who contributed to this book and to my understanding of shame. They courageously shared their experiences based only on their faith in my promise to be honest and accurate with their stories. Each and every one willingly embraced their fears in order for us to learn. I cannot thank them enough. I sincerely hope they find that this book honors the spirit of their contributions, their work and their wisdom.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn addition to the women who shared their stories with me, I owe an extraordinary debt to the people who both personally and professionally supported me through this process and helped me bring this work to life. Personally, I could not have done this without the love, support and courage of my husband, Steve. I was absolutely sustained by his faith in my ability, his respect for my work and his commitment to our family. I’m equally grateful for what a wonderful father he is and for his ability to make me laugh.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy children, Ellen and Charlie, fill my life with love and  laughter. They inspire me, keep me grounded and make it very difficult for me to take myself too seriously.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn many different ways, this work would not be possible without my parents. Their greatest gifts have been what they have taught me and continue to teach me. From my mother, Deanne Rogers, I’ve learned about courage, strength and perseverance. Chuck Brown, my father, gave me the gifts of critical thinking, debate and activism. These lessons helped me realize my dream of finishing my Ph.D. and writing this book. To my mother’s partner David and my dad’s partner Molly, I thank you for your willingness to embrace our family and share your lives with us. I also want to acknowledge my grandmother, Ellen, who was also an inspiration to me. I try to carry her spirit and kindness with me.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTo my brother, Jason, and my sisters, Ashley and Barrett, we are on a special journey together and I’m so grateful to be sharing it with you. Our history, love and laughter are important forces in my life. To Mike, Ashley’s husband, and Amaya, my beautiful niece, thank you for bringing so much joy to our family. To Audrey, Jason’s wife, we’re glad you’re here—you’ve always felt like family.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen I married Steve I inherited a wonderful family. To Corky and Jack, Bill and Jacobina, Memo, Bebo and David, it is impossible for me to think of my life without you—you are my family.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI have had the extraordinary fortune of working with people who are both colleagues and good friends. I am forever indebted to my dear friend, Charles Kiley, who has generously walked every step of this journey with me. I couldn’t have done it without him. I also owe special thanks to my friends, colleagues and sister social workers, Dawn Fey Hedgepeth, Cheryl Dunn and Beverly McPhail. Their willingness to share their expertise and experiences contributed greatly to this book. I want to thank illustrator David Robinson and graphic designer Doni Hieronymus, for their artistic contributions. I also want to acknowledge Cole Schweikhardt of Squidz Ink Design and Daniel Levine and Marian Mankin of DMLCo for their support and help with my Web site.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI am so lucky to be surrounded by wonderful friends and mentors. I wish there was some way, beyond a simple thank you, to let the following women know how much they’ve touched my life: Angela Blanchard, Margarita Flores, Karen Holmes, Jean Latting, Ann McFarland, Barb Nowak, Susan Robbins, Ruth Rubio, Karen Stout, Susan Turell, Jody Williams and Laura Williams.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI am also fortunate to be affiliated with two outstanding organizations. First, I want to thank the faculty, staff and students at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. It is a true privilege to be a social worker and part of this learning community. Second, I want to acknowledge the Nobel Women’s Initiative. I am grateful for the opportunity to work with such wise and wonderful activists, scholars and peace-builders.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThere is a third group of activists and scholars I’d like to thank—a group of women who have changed the way I look at myself and at the world. My mother gave me a copy of Harriet Lerner’s book, \u003ci\u003eThe Dance of Anger,\u003c\/i\u003e when I was in my early twenties. It was my first nonfiction psychology book. I remember reading it and thinking, “I’m not alone!” By the third chapter, I had fallen in love with the power of books. When I started teaching, I carried bell hooks’s book, \u003ci\u003eTeaching to Transgress,\u003c\/i\u003e with me at all times. Jean Kilbourne’s book, \u003ci\u003eCan’t Buy My Love,\u003c\/i\u003e forever changed the way I watch TV, read magazines and listen to music. I turned to the Stone Center at Wellesley to better understand who I wanted to be in the context of my social work career. I still buy Mary Pipher’s book \u003ci\u003eReviving Ophelia\u003c\/i\u003e for all of my friends with daughters, and her new book, \u003ci\u003eWriting to Change the World\u003c\/i\u003e, is required reading for my students. The list of authors who have changed my life is endless; however, these powerful women have certainly made the greatest impression. I thank them for making this a better world and for forging the path for what has now become my career.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLast, I want to thank the people who believed enough in this work to turn it into a book—something I don’t take for granted. I extend a heartfelt thanks to my agent, Stephanie von Hirschberg,  for lending her wisdom, integrity and sense of balance to this process. To my editor, Erin Moore, I feel so fortunate to work with a woman who embodies the authenticity, courage and compassion I write about in my book—thank you. I also want to recognize the other team members at Gotham Books—Bill Shinker, Jessica Sindler, Lisa Johnson, Ashwini Ramaswamy and the great folks behind the scenes who turned my dangling modifiers into coherent sentences and my crumpled pages into a beautiful book.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eINTRODUCTION\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003cb\u003eW\u003c\/b\u003ehen people hear the word \u003ci\u003eshame,\u003c\/i\u003e they often have one of two responses: “I’m not sure what you mean by shame, but I know that I don’t want to talk about it,” or “Oh, shame. I know it well, but I don’t want to talk about it.” As a shame researcher, I understand our reluctance to talk about it—shame is so powerful that we sometimes feel shame just talking about shame. But after spending six years interviewing hundreds of women about their lives, here’s what I’ve learned: We all experience shame. It is an absolutely universal emotion.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe less we understand shame and how it affects our feelings, thoughts and behaviors, the more power it exerts over our lives. However, if we can find the courage to talk about shame and the compassion to listen, we can change the way we live, love, parent, work and build relationships.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePeople often want to believe that shame is reserved for the unfortunate few who have survived terrible traumas, but this is not true. Shame is something we all experience. And, while it feels like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places, including appearance and body image,  motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, addiction, sex, aging and religion.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis book offers information, insight and specific strategies for understanding shame and building “shame resilience.” We can never become completely \u003ci\u003eresistant\u003c\/i\u003e to shame; however, we can develop the \u003ci\u003eresilience\u003c\/i\u003e we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences. Across the interviews, women with high levels of shame resilience shared four things in common. I refer to these factors as the four elements of shame resilience. The four elements of shame resilience are the heart of this book. As we learn more about shame resilience and start to put the elements into practice, we can start to move through the by-products of shame—fear, blame and disconnection—and move toward the courage, compassion and connection we need to live our best, authentic lives.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI’ve dedicated my career to studying shame and its impact on women, men and children. In my study with women, I’ve had the opportunity to interview over three hundred participants of all ages, races, ethnicities and life situations. I’ve also gone back and reinterviewed sixty women who have applied some of the strategies in this book to learn what strategies have been effective and what barriers they’ve faced.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIf you’re not sure of shame’s impact on our own life, it may help to read some quotes from my interviews. In these quotes, you can start to see the complex weaving of shame, fear and cultural expectations.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“Sex is such a big issue between me and my husband. Sometimes it’s great. Other times, I’ll start thinking about my body and how much it has changed in the past ten years. I start to feel panicked. I imagine him judging me against these ideals I have in my head. In these moments, I lose it. I’ll pick a fight or do anything to escape and get my clothes back on.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e“One day I was driving down the street in our neighborhood and I stopped next to a car full of young men at a light. They were looking over and smiling. I smiled back and even blushed a bit. Then out of nowhere, my fifteen-year-old daughter, who was sitting in the backseat with her best friend, snapped, ‘Geeez, Mom, stop looking at them. What do you think—they’re flirting with you? Get real!’ I could barely hold the tears back. How could I have been so stupid?”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“When I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes I’m OK. But other times I just see fat and ugly. I get totally overwhelmed—like I can barely breathe. I get sick to my stomach and disgusted. I just want to hide in the house so no one sees me.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“I’m forty-one and I just went back to school to get my degree. Half of the time I don’t know what they’re talking about—I just sit there and nod my head like an idiot. I feel like a phony—like I’m not smart enough to be there. When these feelings come over me I want to just slip away . . . really, just grab my purse, slip out the back and never go back.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“My life looks pretty good on the outside. Nice husband, nice house, cute kids—the whole package. On the inside it’s another story. If we didn’t care so much about what other people think, we’d get a divorce. We barely talk to each other. Both of our kids struggle in school. We have to make these outrageous contributions to the school just to make sure they don’t get kicked out. It’s getting harder and harder to keep it all together. Every now and then I know my friends see glimpses of the truth—they have to. It literally makes me sick when I feel like they can see through it all.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“I constantly feel judged as a mother; like nothing I do is right  or good enough. The worst is when other mothers put you down. One disapproving look from another mother can cut me to the core.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“I don’t tell anyone about the things I’ve gone through—I don’t want them to feel sorry for me or think differently about me. It’s easier to keep my past to myself. Just thinking about being blamed or judged for my past causes me to lose my breath.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“No one knows how bad things are with my husband—they’d think less of him and less of me for staying with him. I’m constantly lying and making up stories to cover up. When I lie, I feel sneaky and ashamed.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003cbr\u003eSound familiar? For most of us, the answer is yes. Shame is universal. To varying degrees, we all know the struggle to feel comfortable with who we are in a society that puts so much importance on being perfect and fitting in. We also know the painful wave of emotion that washes over us when we feel judged or ridiculed about the way we look, our work, our parenting, how we spend our money, our families or even the life experiences over which we had no control. And it’s not always someone else putting us down or judging us; the most painful shaming experiences are often self-inflicted.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe constant struggle to feel accepted and worthy is unrelenting. We put so much of our time and energy into making sure that we meet everyone’s expectations and into caring about what other people think of us, that we are often left feeling angry, resentful and fearful. Sometimes we turn these emotions inward and convince ourselves that we are bad and that maybe we deserve the rejection that we so desperately fear. Other times we lash out—we scream at our partners and children for no apparent reason, or we make a cutting comment to a friend or colleague. Either way, in the end, we are left feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and alone.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWe spend an extraordinary amount of time and energy tackling the surface issues, which rarely results in meaningful, lasting change. When we dig past the surface, we find that shame is often what drives us to hate our bodies, fear rejection, stop taking risks or hide the experiences and parts of our lives that we fear others might judge. This same dynamic applies to feeling attacked as a mother or feeling too stupid or uneducated to voice our opinions.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eUntil we start addressing the role shame plays, we may temporarily fix some of the surface problems, but we can’t silence the old tape in our head that suddenly blares some version of “something is wrong with me.” For example, that imposter or phony feeling at work or school rarely has anything to do with our abilities, but has more to do with that fearful voice inside of us that scolds and asks, “Who do you think you are?” Shame forces us to put so much value on what other people think that we lose ourselves in the process of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003eShame: The Silent Epidemic\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen you spend years studying a topic like shame, it is easy to forget how much people dislike and fear the topic. My husband constantly reminds me not to take it personally when people make the “I just smelled something bad” face after I tell them I’m a shame researcher. A couple of years ago, I had a personal experience that taught me a lot about shame and why courage and compassion are so critical to shame resilience.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI was flying to Cleveland to give a lecture at Case Western Reserve University. As I settled into my window seat, a very energetic woman plunked down in the aisle seat on my row. I had seen her in the airport chatting up a storm with other waiting passengers and airline employees. After holding up aisle traffic for the better part of five minutes, she got her bags stuffed under the seat in front of her, turned toward me and introduced herself. We talked for a minute about the Houston weather before she asked, “So what do you do and why are you going to Cleveland?” As the plane took  off, I raised my voice a bit and said, “I’m a researcher and I’m going to give a lecture at Case.” “How wonderful,” she responded. “What do you study?” Still fighting against the roar of the engines, I leaned toward her and said, “Women and shame.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHer eyes widened and she let out an enthusiastic “Oh, wow.” She leaned so far toward me that her entire upper body was perched over the empty seat between us. “Women in chains! That’s so interesting. Tell me more about it.” By this time the airplane was quiet again. I smiled and said, “Not women in chains . . . women and shame.” “Shame?” she asked, in a shocked and disappointed voice. “Yes,” I replied. “I study shame and the various ways it affects women’s lives.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWith that, the conversation was over. She averted her eyes, then told me that she needed to get some rest. For three hours we sat silent in our seats. Every now and then I could feel her looking at me and perusing my laptop screen out of the corner of her eye. The first couple of times, I turned toward her to smile and acknowledge her, but immediately she would pretend to be sleeping. One time she even threw in a little snore, which I knew was fake because she was wiggling her feet the entire time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen I returned to Houston I had dinner with a colleague who is a violence researcher. I was anxious to tell my “women in chains” story to someone who could relate to the pitfalls of researching a less-than-popular topic. After we laughed about “women in chains” being preferable to women and shame, she confessed that most people are quite interested in her research and she’s normally the one who fakes being asleep on the plane. “I don’t understand,” I said. “These are both serious epidemics. Do people actually think shame is worse than violence?” She thought for a minute then said, “Well, no. They are both serious epidemics, but shame is a silent epidemic. People understand violence and can talk about it. We’re still afraid of shame. Even the word is uncomfortable. You’re studying a topic that people have been taught and socialized not to discuss. It’s as dangerous as violence—but we just keep pretending that it’s not happening.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI believe my colleague was right—shame is a silent epidemic. It’s a problem of epidemic proportions because it has an impact on all of us. What makes it “silent” is our inability or unwillingness to talk openly about shame and explore the ways in which it affects our individual lives, our families, our communities and society. Our silence has actually forced shame underground, where it now permeates our personal and public lives in destructive and insidious ways. Shame was once largely misunderstood and discounted by social scientists, but now a growing number of researchers and practitioners are examining shame and its role in a wide range of mental and public health issues, including depression, anxiety disorders, addiction, eating disorders, bullying, suicide, sexual assault and all types of violence, including family violence.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLike the growing epidemic of violence, for many, shame has strangely become both a form of self-protection and a popular source of entertainment. Name calling and character assassinations have replaced national discussions about religion, politics and culture. We use shame as a tool to parent, teach and discipline our children. Television shows promising cutthroat alliances, backstabbing, hostile confrontations, exclusion and public humiliation consistently grab the top ratings. And at the same time we use shame to defend and entertain ourselves, we struggle to understand why the world feels so scary, why politics have turned into blood sport, why children are suffering higher levels of stress and anxiety, why popular culture appears to be sinking to all-time lows and why a growing number of us feel alone and disconnected.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAs is the case with many epidemics, it seems that we are so mired in our own struggle to take care of ourselves and our families, we just don’t see the connections that allow us to make sense of it and begin to address it as a large-scale problem. We can’t see the enormity of it—we think it’s a personal problem or a self-esteem issue rather than a serious social problem.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTo better understand the shame experience, I want you to meet Susan, Kayla, Theresa and Sondra. I had the opportunity to  interview them early in my research and again several years later, after they had started putting the shame resilience strategies into practice. Throughout the book, their unfolding stories will serve as important examples of how powerful, and sometimes difficult, it can be to practice courage, compassion and connection.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSusan was in her late twenties when we met. She had been married for three years and had a daughter who had just celebrated her first birthday. Susan had loved her career as a physical therapist but had spent the previous year at home with her baby. As family finances grew tighter, she had decided to return to work part-time. In our interview, she recalled the day when she thought the right job had landed in her lap. She remembered being absolutely ecstatic. Not only had she been offered a perfect part-time physical therapist position, but her church had an open slot for her daughter in their Mother’s Day Out program. Anxious to share her good news, she called her older sister. Rather than congratulating Susan, her sister responded to the news by saying, “I’m not sure why you even had a child if you’re not interested in raising her.” Susan remembers feeling like she had been punched in the stomach. She said, “I could hardly breathe. It was devastating. My first thought was ‘I’m a bad mother.’ By that evening, I was reconsidering the job offer.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen I interviewed Kayla, she was in her mid-forties and had built a successful career in advertising. She lived alone in large city on the East Coast. Kayla’s father had recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and she was struggling to balance the pressures of her career with her new role as her father’s primary caregiver. She explained that the most difficult issue was dealing with her boss, Nancy. Kayla described Nancy as “the kind of person you never share personal information with.” When I asked her to explain what she meant, she said that Nancy had perfected the art of the personal attack—the more Nancy knew about your life, the more ammunition she had for her arsenal. When Kayla’s mother died two years prior, Kayla struggled with depression. She had confided  in Nancy about the depression, only to have Nancy bring it up in front of other colleagues. Kayla said that, despite her fear of Nancy’s attacks, she knew she might miss some work while she looked for a long-term care facility, so she explained her father’s situation to Nancy. Kayla still looked shocked as she described the very first staff meeting she attended after she told her boss. During the meeting, Nancy announced that Kayla was going to be pulled off her current project.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Avery","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":48233259991269,"sku":"NP9781592403356","price":21.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9781592403356.jpg?v=1767729715","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/products\/i-thought-it-was-just-me-but-it-isnt-isbn-9781592403356","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}