{"product_id":"gitrdone-isbn-9780307237675","title":"Git-R-Done","description":"Chock-Full of Straight Talk About America. . . And Some Jokes, Too!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eLarry the Cable Guy on . . .\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eNASCAR: It’s a lotta good old-fashioned fun started by a buncha moonshiners. Just seein’ all the ZZ Top–lookin’ folks drinkin’ beer, havin’ a good time, and not givin’ a darn is awesome. And that’s just the women!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eDieting: I once went on the “liquid diet.” I was supposed to drink nothin’ but liquids for a week. But I got so drunk and sick of that Jim Beam and Coke, I’ll never drink it again.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhy his catchphrase “git-r-done” is better than other catchphrases: Ya can’t be at a ball game with two outs in the ninth inning and yell to the pitcher “Bounty is the quicker picker-upper!!” It makes no sense. But you could yell “Git-r-done” and everyone would know what you meant.  \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe red state–blue state divide: Is Dr. Seuss runnin’ the government?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eLarry’s mom on Larry’s book: “There’s really not much I can say here except for I apologize to everyone ahead of time for the crap you are about to read.” —Larry’s mom\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAlso available as an eBook.Larry the Cable Guy is one of America’s funniest—and most successful—stand-up comedians, appearing solo and as part of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He has recorded two gold CDs, \u003ci\u003eLord, I Apologize\u003c\/i\u003e (2001) and \u003ci\u003eThe Right to Bare Arms\u003c\/i\u003e (2005), and starred in a DVD stand-up special, \u003ci\u003eLarry the Cable Guy: Git-R-Done\u003c\/i\u003e, and several feature films, including \u003ci\u003eLarry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector\u003c\/i\u003e. \u003ci\u003eGit-R-Done\u003c\/i\u003e is his first book.Chapter 1\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    GIT-R-DONE!!!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    WELL, HERE WE GO. This is the first book I've written since 1975,   when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'.   Regardless of the title, that 27-page pamphlet earned me a C+ as well   as several ass beatings from the class bully.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    When they approached me to do this, I thought there's no way I could   possibly find the time. I have all these other projects. I have a CD   to put out. I have my tour schedule. I have to get a lawyer in   Florida to help me fight the Supreme Court so I can keep the air hose   in my blowup doll. So little time.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    But after several days of . . . meditation . . . medication . . .   masturbation! That's it! I not only decided to do it, I promised   myself that this book would make Boogers Are Good Eatin' look like a   seventh grader's pamphlet.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Set the bar high, that's what I always say.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I figure the thing most people want to know about me--other than how   I keep my ass so muscular and hard--would be how I came by the name   Larry the Cable Guy, and how I started doing social commentaries for   radio stations across the country. Good questions, so let me get into   this incredible story full of intrigue and dick jokes. (I'm glad no   one is askin' about that time I was sodomized by Dick Van Patten.)\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Since I don't want to waste your time with that boring \"good old   days\" crap, I'll give ya a brief summary of how I came about in this   world. My dad was a preacher; my mom ran the Tilt-a-Whirl at the   fair. Somehow they met, had some teeth fixed, and got married.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I was born in 1963, as a C-section baby. I was born in section C of a   Waylon Jennings concert! My dad thought they had good seats until my   mom's water broke. They were great parents and the only blemish was   when my dad beat me after reading my 7th-grade pamphlet Boogers Are   Good Eatin'.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I started doin' stand-up comedy in 1985 right after I blew out my   knee doing porno movies. Speakin' of the porno industry, there's a   drive-in porno theater next to my log trailer here in Florida. It's   pretty big. They call it the Herpes Simplex 2. Last week I went there   to see a double feature, Red Patch Adams and Citizen Cankor. Before   the second feature, I got arrested for car jacking!!!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    (Already this is either the funniest book you've ever read or the   dumbest, and I know it ain't the dumbest if you've read Boogers Are   Good Eatin' or Al Franken's last book.)\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    OK, time to fess up: I actually didn't work in the porn industry. I   blew out my knee tripping over an Alice Does Anal tape while runnin'   for the phone.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Which reminds me . . . I used to date a girl named Alice. I met her   at Hooters. She was really unique. She didn't have big boobs, but she   could turn her head in a circle just like an owl.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    But enough about Alice (isn't that an old Glen Campbell song?), let's   get back to my story.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    In 1991 there was a radio station in Tampa called 95 YNF. It was an   awesome station that at the time no one could touch in the ratings.   The station had hired a good buddy of mine, a comedian, to be a   sidekick. He called me one day and said he needed some friends to   call in and do some comedy.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I wanted to do this so bad that I had the phone checked on the top of   the pole. Every day I would climb up and down it just to be heard by   households across the bay.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I started callin' in as Iris, an old Jewish woman from Boca Raton.   She was a fun character to impersonate until my throat started   hurting from doin' her raspy voice all the time. I then became   alarmed when I suddenly found myself stealing food and Sweet'N Low   packets from buffets; I also developed this obsession with playing   bingo and started askin' strange questions like who was running for   the condo board.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    And I didn't even own a condo.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I had to do something. I tried changin' my character's name from Iris   to Rose. Unfortunately, I was still using that same raspy voice, so I   ran into the same problems except for one thing: Rose didn't like   Sweet'N Low.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    For the next few months I would do all these different characters for   the station. Some I rated as pretty good: the Fartin' Retard (pure   genius), Cowman, Pigman, and various queer voices. Some came out   pretty bad: Penis Pete, the Human Turd (that could have been funny if   just given a chance), and various queer voices.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I could never find one I really could put my heart into until I   realized I could call in as myself if I just changed my name. WOW!   What a brilliant concept! Be myself and change my name! Y'all are   probably already asking how I could possibly get away with that,   right? Let's read on!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    To understand how I came up with my name, y'all first need a little   background on how I grew up. Ya know, when I did the Blue Collar   Tour, I was the only guy there that wasn't born in the South. I was   the only guy that wasn't born with the accent. And I was the only guy   that had auditioned for Hustler on Ice.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I was, however, the only guy on the tour that actually grew up on a   farm and lived the life.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    My parents raised me on a pig farm outside a little town called   Pawnee City, Nebraska. Ya might say it was a small town. The city   hall came up to my chin. Pawnee City had around 1,200 people at the   time. However, if ya counted critters, we would have been only a   little smaller than China. But since we're not countin' critters . .   . But come to think of it, Mildred Green could have counted as a   critter considering she had more body hair than most collie dogs, so   let's put the population at around 1,199.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Anyway, to make a long story even longer, I grew up in this town   doin' most things country boys my age do: ridin' horses, feedin'   cattle, lettin' the dog lick peanut butter off your privates . . .\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I know. That sounds disgustin' but, hey, gimme a break! There were   only 12 girls in my whole class. Besides, I was young and needed the   money. I do regret the peanut butter thing, though. I can just see   that turnin' up on TV one day and ruinin' my career:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    \"LARRY THE CABLE GUY'S PEANUT BUTTER TAPES ON THE NEXT ACCESS   HOLLYWOOD! FOLLOWED BY AN ALL NEW EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The other boys in Pawnee City hunted a lot. I was never that big a   hunter. Don't get me wrong, I love to hunt; I just never have time.   When I was a kid, I did get a BB gun after I got confirmed, and my   dad said to only shoot what I wanted to eat. So I went out and shot   my neighbors' redheaded daughter in the ass. Hey, I was hungry for   some pumpkin' pie, by God! Nothin' wrong with a little dessert for   the holidays.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I do like to hog hunt a little down at the country bar after 2 a.m.,   but ya don't need guns for them girls. Just put a couple of oatmeal   creams in your pockets and they follow ya around like you're the fat   girl Willard.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I don't know what my point is here. I just love the sound of the   phrase \"fat girl Willard\"!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Like I said earlier, I never actually grew up in the South, but I've   always loved everything about that part of the country. I love the   people, the food, the weather, the way the girls talk to ya when   they're moving their fingers seductively through your back hair at   the strip club on Fridays (totally nude by the way after 10).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I actually acquired my accent back in '79 when I moved from Nebraska   to Sanford, Florida. Since I grew up around livestock and Mildred   Green, I automatically gravitated to the farm kids. They all sounded   like they had just come from a Dukes of Hazzard casting call. I've   always been a dialect chameleon, so I started speaking with a thick   accent. From that point on it was my way of speech and I love it.   Don't get me wrong: I can come in and out of it anytime I want; I   just feel more comfortable in a southern dialect.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The cool thing is my family actually has a strong connection to the   South. A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there,   I'm not sure) offered a gun and a horse to anyone that would join the   Confederacy back in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a   break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I know, ya think that's sad. Well, how do ya think I felt havin' to   empty Jefferson Davis's bedpan every night?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    When I went to college at Baptist University of America in Decatur,   Georgia, my roommates were from Beaumont, Texas, and Dalton, Georgia.   They pretty much frosted the dialect cake for me. By the end of my   college years I sounded like a roadie for the Marshall Tucker Band.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I had a blast in college. I had a double major. Everyone had to major   in Bible Studies and one other thing. My one other thing was looking   at Andrea Koler's titties. (Lord, I apologize.) By the end of the   school year I could quote the entire book of Luke AND get a bra off   with 2 fingers in under 11 seconds.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Those were the days.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    So now ya know a little bit about where I grew up and how I acquired   my accent. That brings us to how I created my next character for 95   YNF, the guy who was really myself only with a different name (man,   this is getting complicated).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    This is how it happened: I was sitting on the couch at home watching   Three's Company and wishing I was Jack Tripper when my phone rang. It   was my buddy from the radio station. He said they had been waiting on   some cable guy to call them for a few days but they hadn't heard from   him. So he asked me to call in and pretend to be the cable guy.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    At the time I did a five-minute bit in my act about a cable installer   coming to your house. I never thought of doin' it on the radio,   mostly because I was tryin' to get my voice back from impersonating   that old Jewish woman character. I also still had two months   probation left after goin' down to the dinner theater, stripping   naked, and sticking my wiener in between my legs to taunt Rosie   O'Donnell.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    But after much thought and half a bottle of Jim Beam, I agreed to   call in the next day. That night I wrote out a bit where I would do   social commentary as the cable guy. Then I went to bed and dreamt I   was Jack Tripper nailing both roommates while Mr. Furley was at the   Regal Beagle spreading rumors about me being a homosexual.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I'll never forget my first time on the air. Just before the phone   call my stomach got upset from the seven bowls of Cap'n Crunch I had   consumed the night before. I was miserable the whole morning. I could   have pooped through a screen door and not touched a wire. However,   throughout all the complications from the Captain and his crunch   berries, I persevered through three minutes of radio hilarity.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I really can't remember right now what exactly I talked about;   evidently it was funny enough, 'cause they asked me to do it again.   In the beginning, I just introduced myself as the cable guy and never   really attached a first name with it. When someone finally asked me   to give one, I didn't want to use my real first name; I just popped   out with Larry. That was kinda easy. Lawrence was my middle name,   taken from my grandma.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I know. It's weird havin' a grandma named Larry, but just think how   her mom, Earl, felt.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Names from the old days were weird. I've actually met old dudes named   Connie and Sue. Back in the day, Bertha and Mildred were really   popular names. I've never met anyone under 75 who was named either   one of those, but I bet there used to be a Bertha that was a piece of   ass. Somewhere back in 1932, I'm sure there was some pathetic   sumbitch rubbin' one out while thinkin' about Mabel and Mildred and   Bertha. The antique Charlie's Angels.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Today, ya wouldn't think of a Bertha bein' hot. You never see a sexy   Mildred or Bertha. I'm sure I'll never be watching the country music   awards over at my brother's log trailer and hear the announcer say,   \"And now here are the nominees for female country singer of the year:   Faith Hill, Shania Twain, and Bertha Cramps.\" It just wouldn't sound   right.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Back in 1932, I'm sure Bertha Cramps was turnin' heads left and   right. Nowadays, though, she's that fat old lady wearin' the hairnet   and servin' up mac and cheese in the lunchroom.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    But gettin' back to my grandma, ya know, the one I got my middle name   from? She actually was a stripper in a brothel back in '41. Grandma   Lawrence is kind of losing it as she gets older and every now and   then she gets back into the stripper frame of mind.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Last week, for example, she accidentally sent two naked pictures of   herself to Good Housekeeping magazine. Then she sent a picture of her   peach pie along with the recipe in to Hustler. The good news is that   she won pie of the month in both publications (we're so damn proud of   her).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    But enough of my prostitute grandma, let's return to me. . . .\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    After those first few call-ins to the radio station, the name Larry   the Cable Guy began to stick as a recurring character. I never   realized how popular my calls were becoming because I phoned in while   I was touring the country with Riverdance and doing a little   stand-up. I never had time to hear the broadcasts.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Meanwhile, I ended up quitting Riverdance; I enjoyed performin' but   the costume pinched my nuts so bad during the leg kicks, I ended up   herniating myself. I swear my left nut swelled up to the size of one   of those medicine balls. It was very painful, but for 11 days I got a   great workout.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    With my dancin' career behind me, I concentrated on doin' stand-up   and pursuin' my first love: making scenic murals out of nipples cut   from various porn publications.Guaranteed 100% Politically Incorrect","brand":"Crown","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46304289292517,"sku":"NP9780307237675","price":18.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780307237675.jpg?v=1767728169","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/products\/gitrdone-isbn-9780307237675","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}