{"product_id":"george-washington-is-cash-money-isbn-9780399173486","title":"George Washington Is Cash Money","description":"\u003cb\u003ePREPARE TO BE BEAKED BY THE MAJESTIC EAGLE OF HISTORY \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eMost of us are familiar with the greatest hits and legendary heroes of US history. In \u003ci\u003eGeorge Washington Is Cash Money\u003c\/i\u003e, Cory O’Brien, author of \u003ci\u003eZeus Grants Stupid Wishes\u003c\/i\u003e,\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003edoes away with the pomp and circumstance and calls America’s history what it is: one long, violent soap opera. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eIn his signature clever, crude, and cuss-ridden style, O’Brien reminds us that: \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• Teddy Roosevelt stopped bullets with his manly chest \u003cbr\u003e• Harriet Tubman avoided danger by having prophetic seizures.\u003cbr\u003e• Joseph Smith invented Mormonism by staring into a hat full of rocks.\u003cbr\u003e• Billy the Kid was finally defeated by the smell of fresh bacon.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd there’s plenty more Star Spangled stupidity where that came from!\u003cb\u003ePraise for \u003ci\u003eZeus Grants Stupid Wishes\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“I was giggling by the first page and full blown LOLing by the first myth. It’s really that funny.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e–Electric Feast\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“It is in fact the not-so-delicate, in-your-face attitude, sarcasm, and black humor that have made this book an instant standout against the other mythology chronicles of its time.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e–The Blue \u0026amp; Gold\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cb\u003eCory O’Brien \u003c\/b\u003eis a word-wizard and technojester of the first degree and the creator of Myths Retold! (BetterMyths.com), as well as the author of \u003ci\u003eZeus Grants Stupid Wishes\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eGeorge Washington is Cash Money, \u003c\/i\u003eand his debut novel \u003ci\u003eTwo Truths and a Lie.\u003c\/i\u003e He reads and writes mythology, science fiction, and computer code. He has camped with gypsies, juggled for food, and driven across the country in a car powered by vegetable oil. Now he lives in Chicago, where he recently graduated with an MFA in writing from the School of the Art Institute of Chicago. Cory's dream is to one day travel to Mars, or at least to own a jacket made entirely of pockets.\u003cb\u003eBenjamin Franklin Is the God of Lightning\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e I know what you’re expecting\u003cbr\u003e because I know how books like this usually go.\u003cbr\u003e I’m supposed to tick off the Founding Fathers \u003cbr\u003e one by one \u003cbr\u003e and tell you what assholes they all actually are. \u003cbr\u003e You know why popular history likes to do this? \u003cbr\u003e Because everyone loves to see their heroes look bad \u003cbr\u003e and if you have enough information about a dude \u003cbr\u003e it is SUPER EASY to make him look like a dingus. \u003cbr\u003e BAM\u003cbr\u003e INSTANT BESTSELLER.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e I did it with Christopher Columbus \u003cbr\u003e because he’s terrible\u003cbr\u003e and I did it with George Washington \u003cbr\u003e ’cause he’s the colonial equivalent of a trust fund kid\u003cbr\u003e but now it’s time to talk about Ben Franklin \u003cbr\u003e and I won’t do it.\u003cbr\u003e It’s not that I can’t make Big Ben look like a prick. \u003cbr\u003e Dude may have (definitely) hit on his best bro’s girl \u003cbr\u003e while his bro was out of town one time \u003cbr\u003e and he may have (definitely) refused to marry a lady\u003cbr\u003e because her parents wouldn’t pay off ALL HIS DEBT \u003cbr\u003e and he may have (definitely) cheated on his wife\u003cbr\u003e and then fathered a son\u003cbr\u003e who eventually fought against him in the revolution\u003cbr\u003e but when the best dirt historians can dig up on you\u003cbr\u003e is that you had a lot of extramarital sex\u003cbr\u003e well, at worst\u003cbr\u003e you’re the Zeus of the thirteen colonies.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e Ben gets born in Boston around 1706\u003cbr\u003e which means he had exactly seventy years\u003cbr\u003e to become enough of a ruckus-causer\u003cbr\u003e to spark off the American Revolution.\u003cbr\u003e Yeah\u003cbr\u003e imagine your granddad banging hookers in France\u003cbr\u003e while simultaneously negotiating military treaties\u003cbr\u003e and maybe then you’ll understand why I like this guy.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e Anyway he gets born\u003cbr\u003e he works for his brother as a printer for a while\u003cbr\u003e teaches himself writing\u003cbr\u003e (because he’s too poor for college)\u003cbr\u003e and then goes “fuck this” and moves to Philly\u003cbr\u003e because he hears they have dope sandwiches.\u003cbr\u003e In Philly, he keeps being a printer\u003cbr\u003e and he’s so goddamn good at it\u003cbr\u003e (spoiler: Ben Franklin is good at EVERYTHING)\u003cbr\u003e that pretty soon\u003cbr\u003e dudes are just handing him cash to buy his own press\u003cbr\u003e and start his own business.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e So now he becomes a master printer\u003cbr\u003e buys a couple slaves\u003cbr\u003e (but don’t worry, he frees them later\u003cbr\u003e and he doesn’t even have to die first!)\u003cbr\u003e and starts a newspaper\u003cbr\u003e which he uses to manipulate the opinions\u003cbr\u003e of Philadelphia’s ENTIRE GOVERNMENT.\u003cbr\u003e He also starts a weekly discussion group\u003cbr\u003e which gets so popular\u003cbr\u003e that each member starts his own discussion group\u003cbr\u003e and from that point on\u003cbr\u003e Ben Franklin owns Philadelphia.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e Let me explain how this works:\u003cbr\u003e Anytime Benjamin Franklin wants a thing to happen\u003cbr\u003e the first thing he does is write a paper about it\u003cbr\u003e then he reads it in his discussion group\u003cbr\u003e and then he gives it to each of his members\u003cbr\u003e and has them read it in \u003ci\u003etheir \u003c\/i\u003ediscussion group\u003cbr\u003e then he publishes it in his newspaper\u003cbr\u003e which is the most popular newspaper in the city\u003cbr\u003e and then when everybody is talking about his plan\u003cbr\u003e he goes to the assembly\u003cbr\u003e (which he is also the clerk of, coincidentally)\u003cbr\u003e and is like “Hey, guys\u003cbr\u003e it seems like everybody wants this thing to happen\u003cbr\u003e maybe you should do it.”\u003cbr\u003e BOOM. POLITICS.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e He uses this technique to get a night watch\u003cbr\u003e a fire department\u003cbr\u003e a militia\u003cbr\u003e a hospital\u003cbr\u003e a university\u003cbr\u003e paved roads\u003cbr\u003e and a library\u003cbr\u003e (while also securing himself a contract\u003cbr\u003e to print ALL THE MONEY IN PENNSYLVANIA).\u003cbr\u003e You couldn’t throw a rock down a street\u003cbr\u003e without hitting a public service attributable to him\u003cbr\u003e and even if you did\u003cbr\u003e your rock would be quickly swept up\u003cbr\u003e by the street sweepers Franklin employed.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e So obviously he becomes unreasonably wealthy\u003cbr\u003e and he tries to retire\u003cbr\u003e but everyone is like “NOPE\u003cbr\u003e YOU HAVE TO BE IN THE ASSEMBLY NOW”\u003cbr\u003e and he’s like “Aw man, really?\u003cbr\u003e I was looking forward to a life of leisure\u003cbr\u003e just doin’ science and hot chicks forever.”\u003cbr\u003e But he does it anyway.\u003cbr\u003e Then when shit starts getting crazy in the colonies\u003cbr\u003e he goes to England\u003cbr\u003e and he’s like “Guys, maybe we should make a deal\u003cbr\u003e where you don’t act like you can make laws for us\u003cbr\u003e and we maybe don’t kill all your guys”\u003cbr\u003e and the British are like “PISH POSH”\u003cbr\u003e and Ben’s like “Okay\u003cbr\u003e maybe stop being British for a sec\u003cbr\u003e and just listen to me”\u003cbr\u003e and the British are like “BALDERDASH”\u003cbr\u003e and Ben is like “Okay, well\u003cbr\u003e I guess I’m gonna go tell France to kill you now”\u003cbr\u003e and the French\u003cbr\u003e (who at this time in history\u003cbr\u003e will take ANY opportunity to screw with England)\u003cbr\u003e are like \u003ci\u003e“OUI OUI”\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e and Ben is like “God dammit\u003cbr\u003e I’m surrounded by foreigners.”\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e But Franklin is not content\u003cbr\u003e simply to challenge the British Empire\u003cbr\u003e he has to challenge THE GODS THEMSELVES\u003cbr\u003e specifically Zeus, god of lightning\u003cbr\u003e presumably because he didn’t like the competition\u003cbr\u003e when it came to illegitimate sexytimes.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e So Ben decides to find out what’s up with electricity\u003cbr\u003e which means he has to take a break\u003cbr\u003e from single-handedly inventing Philadelphia\u003cbr\u003e to run some experiments\u003cbr\u003e and it turns out that there is one particular experiment\u003cbr\u003e that everyone else is too much of a weenie to run\u003cbr\u003e and that is the experiment\u003cbr\u003e that will finally answer the age-old question:\u003cbr\u003e “IS LIGHTNING MADE OF ELECTRICITY????”\u003cbr\u003e COME ON\u003cbr\u003e COME THE FUCK ON\u003cbr\u003e IT’S \u003ci\u003eLIGHTNING\u003c\/i\u003e.\u003cbr\u003e WHEN YOU GET HIT BY LIGHTNING\u003cbr\u003e IT GOES BZZT\u003cbr\u003e AND YOUR SKIN GOES TRA NSPARENT\u003cbr\u003e AND EVERYONE CAN SEE YOUR BONES\u003cbr\u003e HOW IS THIS NOT OBVIOUS?\u003cbr\u003e Man, the past is dumb.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e But Big Ben Franklin is NOT\u003cbr\u003e so he does the smartest possible thing\u003cbr\u003e which is to make a kite out of metal and silk\u003cbr\u003e attach a key to the bottom\u003cbr\u003e and go out in a lightning storm.\u003cbr\u003e This guy is on our money, America.\u003cbr\u003e Not only is he on our money\u003cbr\u003e he’s on a denomination of money\u003cbr\u003e that I’m not even rich enough to possess.\u003cbr\u003e Anyway, this experiment is a great success\u003cbr\u003e Benjamin Franklin finally proves\u003cbr\u003e that lightning is the only thing it could possibly be\u003cbr\u003e and he writes a paper about it\u003cbr\u003e and sends it to the Royal Society of London\u003cbr\u003e and they’re all like “POPPYCOCK!\u003cbr\u003e LIGHTING IS MADE OF GLOWING BEES\u003cbr\u003e EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.”\u003cbr\u003e And they refuse to acknowledge the experiment\u003cbr\u003e until some French dudes run it better.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e This brings to mind an old adage:\u003cbr\u003e Early to bed\u003cbr\u003e and early to rise\u003cbr\u003e will not make you as cool\u003cbr\u003e as Benjamin Franklin.\u003cbr\u003e SLEEP LATE HAVE SEX.","brand":"Tarcher","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46300622225637,"sku":"NP9780399173486","price":24.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780399173486.jpg?v=1767727942","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/products\/george-washington-is-cash-money-isbn-9780399173486","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}