{"product_id":"dave-barrys-money-secrets-isbn-9780307351005","title":"Dave Barry's Money Secrets","description":"Did you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn’t stopped him from writing this book. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics as:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• How the U.S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler\u003cbr\u003e• Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money\u003cbr\u003e• Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are—let’s be honest—a no-talent loser\u003cbr\u003e• How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider\u003cbr\u003e• An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel)\u003cbr\u003e• Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key being: Never buy—or, for that matter, sell—real estate\u003cbr\u003e• How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating\u003cbr\u003e• Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one\u003cbr\u003e• How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any\u003cbr\u003e• Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death\u003cbr\u003e•  And many, many pictures of Suze Orman\u003cbr\u003e \u003cbr\u003eBut that’s only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don’t have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics (“Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot”). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can’t afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhat kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBe honest in your answers: If you lie, you’ll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return.\u003cbr\u003e     \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhat is your annual income?\u003cbr\u003e1. More than $50,000.\u003cbr\u003e2. Less than $50,000.\u003cbr\u003e3. However much I get when I return these empties.\u003cbr\u003e     \u003cbr\u003eNot counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe?\u003cbr\u003e1. Less than $10,000.\u003cbr\u003e2. More than $10,000.\u003cbr\u003e3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs.\u003cbr\u003e     \u003cbr\u003eHow would you describe your portfolio?\u003cbr\u003e1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities.\u003cbr\u003e2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks.\u003cbr\u003e3. My what?\u003cbr\u003e     \u003cbr\u003eWhen analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor?\u003cbr\u003e1. The amount of return.\u003cbr\u003e2. The degree of risk.\u003cbr\u003e3. The name of the jockey.\u003cbr\u003e     \u003cbr\u003eHow do you plan to finance your retirement?\u003cbr\u003e1. Savings.\u003cbr\u003e2. Social security.\u003cbr\u003e3. Sale of kidneys.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e—from the Introduction: “Why You Need This Book”\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAlso available as a Crown eBook.\"A book so funny it may be dangerous to your health.\"\u003cbr\u003e– Janet Maslin,\u003ci\u003e New York Times\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Read this book. It will make you laugh.” \u003cbr\u003e—\u003ci\u003eWashington Post\u003c\/i\u003eDave Barry has been awarded the Pulitzer Prize for commentary. His columns for the \u003ci\u003eMiami Herald\u003c\/i\u003e were syndicated worldwide, and he is the author of a number of bestselling books, including the recently published \u003ci\u003ePeter and the Starcatchers\u003c\/i\u003e with Ridley Pearson. He lives in Miami, where he drives very nervously.Chapter 1\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    How Money Works\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Or: Everybody Clap for Tinker Bell!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Why is money valuable? Why are people willing to work so hard for it,   lie for it, cheat for it, go to prison for it, fight for it, kill for   it, give up their children for it . . . even marry Donald Trump for it?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I mean, look at the dollar bill. What is it, really? It’s a piece of   paper! What’s more, it’s a piece of paper that appears to have been   designed by a disturbed individual. On one side, you have a portrait of   George Washington, who, granted, was the Father of Our Country and a   great leader and everything, but who looks, in this particular picture   . . .\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    . . . like a man having his prostate examined by Roto-Rooter. And then   on the other side of the dollar you have:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    What is that about? Why is there a picture of a pyramid, instead of a   structure traditionally associated with the fundamental values of the   United States of America, such as a Wal-Mart? And why is the pyramid   being hovered over by an eyeball the size of a UPS truck?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Whatever the explanation, the design of the dollar would not seem to   inspire confidence in its value. And yet if you drop a few dollars from   an overpass onto a busy freeway at rush hour, people will run into   traffic and literally risk their lives in an effort to grab them. Try   it!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    What does this tell us? It tells us that people are stupid. But it also   tells us that money is more than just pieces of paper. But what makes   it valuable? To answer that question, we need to consider:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The History of Money\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    In prehistoric times, there was no such thing as money. When people   needed to buy something, they had to charge it. And then when the bills   came, nobody could understand them, because there was also no such   thing as reading. This led to a lot of misunderstandings and hitting   with rocks.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The first form of money that we are aware of by looking it up on the   Internet was animals. From the start there were problems with this type   of money, particularly the smaller denominations, such as squirrels,   which were always biting the payee and scampering away.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    By 9000 b.c., the most commonly accepted form of animal money was   cattle. When you bought something, you would give the other person a   cow, and the other person would give your change in calves. This was   better than squirrels, but still not an efficient system. The cash   registers were disgusting.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    By 3000 b.c., the Mesopotamians had invented two concepts that   revolutionized economic activity: (1) writing and (2) banking. This   meant that, for the first time, it was possible for a Mesopotamian to   walk into a bank and hand the teller a stone tablet stating:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    GIVE ME ALL YOUR COWS AND NOBODY GETS HURT\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    These robbers were captured quickly, because they had to make their   getaways at very slow speeds. Still, it was clear that a better medium   of exchange was needed.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The ancient Chinese tried to solve the problem by using seashells as   money. The advantage of this system was that seashells were small,   durable, clean, and easy to carry. The drawback was that they were, in   a word, seashells. This meant that anybody with access to the sea could   get them. By the time the ancient Chinese had figured this out, much of   their country was the legal property of gulls.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    And so the quest continued for a better form of money. Various cultures   experimented with a number of commodities, including tea, grains,   leather, tobacco, and Pokémon cards. Then, finally, humanity hit upon a   medium of exchange that had no disadvantages—a medium that was durable,   portable, beautiful, and universally recognized to have lasting value.   That medium, of course, was beer.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    No, seriously, it was precious metals, especially gold and silver,   which—in addition to being rare and beautiful—could be easily shaped   into little disks that fit into vending machines.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Before long, many cultures were using some form of gold for money. It   came in a wide variety of shapes and designs, as we see in these   photographs of ancient coins unearthed by archeologists:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The problem was that gold is too heavy to be constantly lugged around.   So, to make it easier for everybody, governments began to issue pieces   of paper to represent gold. The deal was, whenever you wanted, you   could redeem the paper for gold. The government was just holding your   gold for you. But it was YOUR gold! You could get it anytime! That was   the sacred promise that the government made to the people. That’s why   the people trusted paper money. And that’s why, to this very day, if   you—an ordinary citizen—go to Fort Knox and ask to exchange your U.S.   dollars for gold, you will be used as a human chew toy by large federal   dogs.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Because the government changed the deal. We don’t have the gold   standard anymore. Nobody does. Over the years, all the governments in   the world, having discovered that gold is, like, rare, decided that it   would be more convenient to back their money with something that is   easier to come by, namely: nothing. So even though the U.S. government   still allegedly holds tons of gold in “reserve,” you can no longer   exchange your dollars for it. You can’t even see it, because visitors   are not allowed. For all you know, Fort Knox is filled with Cheez Whiz.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Which brings us back to the original question: If our money really is   just pieces of paper, backed by nothing, why is it valuable? The answer   is: Because we all believe it’s valuable.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Really, that’s pretty much it. Remember the part in Peter Pan where we   clap to prove that we believe in fairies, and we save Tinker Bell?   That’s our monetary system! It’s the Tinker Bell System! We see   everybody else running around after these pieces of paper, and we   figure, Hey, these pieces of paper must be valuable. That’s why if you   exchanged your house for, say, a pile of acorns, everybody would think   you’re insane; whereas if you exchange your house for a pile of   dollars, everybody thinks you’re rational, because you get . . . pieces   of paper! The special kind, with the big hovering eyeball!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    And you laughed at the ancient Chinese, with the seashells.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    So what does all this mean? Does it mean that our monetary system is a   giant house of cards that would collapse like, well, a giant house of   cards if the public stopped believing in the pieces of paper? Could all   of our “wealth”—our savings, our investments, our pension plans,   etc.—suddenly become worthless, meaning that the only truly “wealthy”   people would be the survivalist wing nuts who trade all their money for   guns and beef jerky?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Yes. But that probably won’t happen. Because, fortunately, the public   prefers not to think about economics. Most people are unable to   understand their own telephone bills, let alone the U.S. monetary   system. And as long as we don’t question the big eyeball, Tinker Bell   is safe.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    OK, now you know what money actually is. (Don’t tell anybody!) The next   question is: How come some people have so much money, while others have   so little? Why does the money distribution seem so unfair? Why, for   example, are professional athletes paid tens of millions of dollars a   year for playing silly games with balls, while productive, hardworking   people with infinitely more value to society, such as humor writers,   must struggle to make barely half that? And above all, how can you,   personally, get more money?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    We’ll address these questions in future chapters,3 which will be   chock-full of sure-fire, can’t-miss, no-nonsense, common-sense,   easy-to-apply, on-the-money hyphenated phrases. You’ll be on your way   to riches in no time! All you have to do is really believe in yourself!   Come on, show that you really believe! Clap your hands!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Also, just in case, you should get some jerky.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Why Does the Back of the Dollar Have a Pyramid and a Giant Eyeball?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    There is actually a simple explanation for these two seemingly odd   symbols:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Back when the Founding Fathers were designing our currency, they were   looking for an image for the new nation, an image that would symbolize   the concept of something strong and massive being watched over by   something all-seeing and wise. After much discussion, what they came up   with—as you have probably guessed—was a picture of an owl standing on   an elephant.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The Founding Fathers passed this idea along to the artist hired to do   the engraving of the printing plates for the dollar, whose name was   Phil. As it happened, the day he did the dollar, which was his   birthday, Phil consumed what historians now believe was at least two   quarts of whiskey, and for whatever reason—the only explanation he ever   gave was “the squirrels made me”—he engraved a pyramid with a giant   eyeball on top of it. Unfortunately, the Founding Fathers, who were in   a hurry to get the dollar printed so they could spend it, failed to   notice this until it was too late. Fortunately, however, they did catch   the error on the front of the dollar, where, instead of George   Washington, Phil had engraved a fish playing tennis. Otherwise we might   live in a very different nation today.New York Times Bestseller","brand":"Crown","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46303932121317,"sku":"NP9780307351005","price":21.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780307351005.jpg?v=1767724758","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/products\/dave-barrys-money-secrets-isbn-9780307351005","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}