{"product_id":"when-clowns-attack-isbn-9781607747031","title":"When Clowns Attack","description":"\u003cb\u003eTHEY’RE COMING FOR YOU\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e Coulrophobia--the fear of clowns--is very real and for good reason. You might think these red-nosed jokers are creepy, sure, but certainly not dangerous. You’d be wrong. Clowns never reveal their real names, and dress to obscure their identities. The rules of civilized society don't apply to them (what other stranger could offer candy to children and get away with it?), they have countless places to hide weapons on their person, and their appearance is downright unnatural. Clowns are the scariest people on earth, and the truth is, they are coming for your valuables, your children, and your sanity.\u003cbr\u003e In this comprehensive guide to self-protection from clown creepery, petty crime, and violence, Chuck Sambuchino--founder of the anti-clown group Red Nose Alert--delves into the terrifying clown underworld to provide the knowledge you need to know to protect yourself from these seemingly innocuous gagmen, using his proven four-step system: ASSESS, ANALYZE, DEFEND, PROTECT.  Included within are instructions on how to defeat a clown in close combat, tips for spotting the plainclothes clown, and tutorials for fully clown-proofing your home against these painted and bewigged warriors. Most importantly, you’ll learn what to do when clowns attack… because it’s only a matter of time before they do.INTRODUCTION   1\u003cbr\u003e 1: ASSESS   \u003cbr\u003e Why Clowns Frighten People   6\u003cbr\u003e The Mental Instability of Clowns   15\u003cbr\u003e 2: ANALYZE   \u003cbr\u003e Types of Clowns   29\u003cbr\u003e The Party Clown   29\u003cbr\u003e The Circus Clown   30\u003cbr\u003e The Street Clown   32\u003cbr\u003e The Tramp or Hobo   33\u003cbr\u003e The Dunking Booth Clown   34\u003cbr\u003e The Cirque de Soleil “Clown”   35\u003cbr\u003e Clown Anatomy   41\u003cbr\u003e Hat   41\u003cbr\u003e Wig   43\u003cbr\u003e Face Paint   44\u003cbr\u003e Nose   47\u003cbr\u003e Shoes   47\u003cbr\u003e Oversized Pants   50\u003cbr\u003e Clown Communication \u0026amp; Lingo    53\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e 3: DEFEND   \u003cbr\u003e Bozo Hotspots   61\u003cbr\u003e Targets for Attack   65\u003cbr\u003e When Clowns Attack   73\u003cbr\u003e Clown Weapons (Their Arsenal)   74\u003cbr\u003e Clown Assault Tactics   83\u003cbr\u003e How to Defeat a Clown   87\u003cbr\u003e Clown Gangs   95\u003cbr\u003e How to Escape a Clown Posse   99\u003cbr\u003e 4: PROTECT   \u003cbr\u003e Spotting the Plainclothes Clown   106\u003cbr\u003e Signs that Clowns Are Nearby   115\u003cbr\u003e Protect Your Home   119\u003cbr\u003e Conclusion   127\u003cbr\u003e Acknowledgments   128\u003cbr\u003e Photo Credits   129CHUCK SAMBUCHINO works for \u003ci\u003eWriter’s Digest\u003c\/i\u003e and edits both the \u003ci\u003eGuide to Literary Agents\u003c\/i\u003e and the \u003ci\u003eChildren’s Writer’s \u0026amp; Illustrator’s Market\u003c\/i\u003e. His first book, \u003ci\u003eHow to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack\u003c\/i\u003e, was optioned for film by Sony. Naturally, he hates clowns, and lives in a heavily fortified residence in the Midwest to avoid them. Besides that, he is a freelance editor, cover band guitarist, retro gamer, and owner of a flabby-yet-lovable dog. Connect with him at chucksambuchino.com or @chucksambuchino on Twitter.INTRODUCTION\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “\u003ci\u003eStep right up. Come one, come all.”\u003c\/i\u003e What you read in these pages just might save your life.\u003cbr\u003e Right now, in every nation around the globe, the greatest danger isn’t nuclear proliferation or the possibility of World War III. It is, in fact, \u003ci\u003eclowns.\u003c\/i\u003e I know what you’re thinking— sure, these red-nosed jokers are creepy, but they’re not really dangerous, and all those rumors about clowns and crime (such as the size-22 shoe prints found near where they last saw Jimmy Hoffa) are just the sensational drivel of conspiracy theorists. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Those kinds of naïve misconceptions are exactly what people think right before they get stabbed in a neighborhood controlled by clown gangs.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The truth is, while plenty of these bozos are capable of only acts such as petty theft right before they drunkenly pee their pants, too many others commit much worse crimes—especially if you provoke them. Clowns are everywhere, both in costume and in plainclothes, and if you encounter one \u003ci\u003emano a clowno,\u003c\/i\u003e your best-case outcome is a traumatized child (and adult); the worst is loss of loot, limb, or life. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e For decades these performers have haunted us—at Halloween fright fests, in the depths of carnival funhouses, and in Batman movies. All the while, we wonder what the heck they’re hiding in those enormous shoes. \u003ci\u003eWeapons? Booze? A syringe? \u003c\/i\u003eProbably all three—we just don’t know. We generally don’t know \u003ci\u003eanything\u003c\/i\u003e about a clown—hence our fear of them. And after decades of their multiplying unchecked and engaging in a public relations campaign to make us believe they’re symbols of jollity and happiness, our planet now confronts a full-blown bozo epidemic.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e It’s with all this in mind that I, founder of the anti-clown group Red Nose Alert, sat down to compose this life-saving guide. Both my grandfathers suffered assaults at the hands of deranged jokers years ago, so I learned from a young age that clowns are just as violent and demented as we’ve suspected. We at Red Nose Alert want to share our knowledge with you before it’s too late.\u003cbr\u003e However evil you may already think these performers are, they’re worse. Some will assault bystanders for no reason; others are working with much grander goals in mind. Want details?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Brace yourself. Clown cartels control illicit drug distribution channels, black-market organ sales, and pantaloon outlet stores in every major city worldwide. To keep their numbers high, they abduct and brainwash children to join their polka-dotted ranks. And once they’ve collected enough money, children, and helium, they’ll realize their ultimate goal of world domination—where brutal “clown law” is absolute and final.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Have you ever wondered why clowns eat so many Twinkies? It’s because these cream-filled snacks can survive a nuclear blast, and clowns are convinced that if they consume enough Twinkies, no amount of radiation will be able to stop them. After the nuclear fallout, all that will be left are cockroaches and clowns—which was exactly their plan all along. Meanwhile, every year, while the public continues to believe that clowns are happy, peppy people at best, and a little creepy but harmless at worst, they inch that much closer to the front door and your toddler.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e But fear not. Now that you are aware of the imminent danger, you’re much safer than you were sixty seconds ago. The next thing you can do is rip up those tickets to the circus and then sit down to learn everything you can about protecting yourself and your family. Do you know how to use a banana peel or exploding cigar to stop a group of approaching jokers? How shoe color designates clown gang rankings? We will teach you all that and more.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In these pages, you’ll learn everything you need to know about clown anatomy and attire, clown props, locations and gatherings of clowns, clown attacks, infamous clowns (serial killer John Wayne Gacy, anyone?), and more. So what you need to do now is go to the window and listen for circus music or any \u003ci\u003ehyuk-hyuk\u003c\/i\u003e laughter. Peer out into the street to check for unicycle graffiti symbols or plainclothes clown gangsters selling laughing gas right there in broad daylight. If it’s all clear, then you’re safe—for now. Deadbolt the doors and settle in. This book will no doubt save your skin.","brand":"Ten Speed Press","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46304903102693,"sku":"NP9781607747031","price":14.99,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9781607747031.jpg?v=1767743949","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/es\/products\/when-clowns-attack-isbn-9781607747031","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}