{"product_id":"the-allornothing-marriage-isbn-9781101984345","title":"The All-or-Nothing Marriage","description":"\u003cb\u003e“After years of debate and inquiry, the key to a great marriage remained shrouded in mystery. Until now...”—Carol Dweck, author of \u003ci\u003eMindset: The New Psychology of Success\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eEli J. Finkel's insightful and ground-breaking investigation of marriage clearly shows that the best marriages today are better than the best marriages of earlier eras. Indeed, they are the best marriages the world has ever known. He presents his findings here for the first time in this lucid, inspiring guide to modern marital bliss.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eThe All-or-Nothing Marriage\u003c\/i\u003e reverse engineers fulfilling marriages—from the “traditional” to the utterly nontraditional—and shows how any marriage can be better.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThe primary function of marriage from 1620 to 1850 was food, shelter, and protection from violence; from 1850 to 1965, the purpose revolved around love and companionship. But today, a new kind of marriage has emerged, one oriented toward self-discover, self-esteem, and personal growth. Finkel combines cutting-edge scientific research with practical advice; he considers paths to better communication and responsiveness; he offers guidance on when to recalibrate our expectations; and he even introduces a set of must-try “lovehacks.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eThis is a book for the newlywed to the empty nester, for those thinking about getting married or remarried, and for anyone looking for illuminating advice that will make a real difference to getting the most out of marriage today.“After years of debate and inquiry, the key to a great marriage remained shrouded in mystery. Until now. In his \u003ci\u003eAll-or-Nothing Marriage\u003c\/i\u003e, Eli Finkel reveals the fascinating ways in which marriage has evolved and the things we can all do to help this all-important relationship flourish. You will definitely want to read this book.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Carol Dweck, Stanford professor and author of \u003ci\u003eMindset: The New Psychology of Success\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“If you’ve ever wondered what science has to say about how marriage has changed over time and what makes for a great one, this is the book to read. Eli Finkel is one of the world’s leading experts on relationships, and his insights are both comprehensive and revealing.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Adam Grant, author of \u003ci\u003eGive and Take, Originals,\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eOption B \u003c\/i\u003e(coauthored with Sheryl Sandberg) \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e“Eli Finkel has written an incredible analysis of the state of marriage and a useful guide for everyone trying to make their relationship work better. He also promised us cheeseburgers if we wrote this blurb. Please get those to us ASAP, Eli.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg, co-authors of \u003ci\u003eModern Romance\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “This book makes a lot of sense, and it is written by an eminent scholar. It should be an essential part of every therapist's bookshelf.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—John M. Gottman, author of \u003ci\u003eThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e“Fascinating! Eli Finkel offers us an educated, enlightening perspective on our most important adult relationship; better still, his perspective on marriage is one of hope and inspiration.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Dr. Sue Johnson, author of \u003ci\u003eHold Me Tight\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eLove Sense\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e “An engaging, perceptive exploration of a modern paradox. We need marriage less than ever for practical survival and social success, but we demand more satisfaction and meaning from it than ever. The higher we climb in our emotional expectations, Finkel argues, the more oxygen we need to pump into our relationships.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Stephanie Coontz, author of \u003ci\u003eMarriage a History: How Love Conquered Marriage\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e “Marriages are like rapids-filled rivers, sweeping us along toward desired destinations, both emotional and practical, while imperiling the journey with unseen rocks of ruin. With an account that is impressive in scholarship and erudition, Eli Finkel has provided a much-needed chart for understanding and navigating the waters.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Robert B. Cialdini, author of \u003ci\u003eInfluence\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003ePre-Suasion\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e “Eli Finkel’s \u003ci\u003eAll-or-Nothing Marriage\u003c\/i\u003e is an excellent, accessible guide to today’s high-investment, high-reward marriages.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Andrew Cherlin, Professor of Sociology, Director of Program on Social Policy at Johns Hopkins University\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“No one knows more about the science of relationships than Eli Finkel. This book is bound to spark a conversation. A must-read for anyone interested in building or maintaining a strong marriage.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Jonah Berger, Wharton professor and author of \u003ci\u003eContagious\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eInvisible Influence\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“What a wonderful book by Eli Finkel. He’s a natural writer—with an original and scientific view of marriage today and tomorrow. In short, marriage is evolving from a pragmatic survival strategy, to a romantic companionship, to a personal-growth adventure. And our best marriages today are better than anything of the past. It’s optimistic, sensible, and engaging. And Finkel adds fascinating historical and cross-cultural facts and some highly useful tips on how to travel the bumpy road to happy coupledom. You’ll like it . . . and use it.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Dr. Helen Fisher, author of \u003ci\u003eAnatomy of Love\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eWhy We Love\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“In his deeply insightful and beautifully written book on the paradox of modern marriage, Eli Finkel shines the bright light of science on the most important, rewarding, and vexing of all human relationships.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Daniel Gilbert, Harvard University Edgar Pierce professor of psychology and author of \u003ci\u003eStumbling on Happiness\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“What do we actually know about good (and bad) marriages? That simple question is surprisingly difficult to answer, but Eli J. Finkel's \u003ci\u003eAll-or-Nothing Marriage\u003c\/i\u003e is the best place I know to start.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Tyler Cowen, economics professor at George Mason University and author of \u003ci\u003eAverage Is Over\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“While pundits debate the ever-evolving institution of marriage, Eli Finkel offers a fresh, nonpartisan analyses of changing trends, and even practical advice for the long-coupled. Anyone in a committed romantic relationship—whether or not they’re legally wed—will benefit from the generosity and care he brings to the topic.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Kate Bolick, author of \u003ci\u003eSpinster: Making a Life of One's Own\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“A thorough analysis of American marriage throughout the ages. In this comprehensive examination, Finkel . . . traces the evolution of this sacred institution from the earliest days of hunter-gatherer societies to modern times. . . . . In addition to extensive research, the author bolsters the narrative with charts, diagrams, and numerous quotes from a variety of sources. As the author writes, it is possible to create a loving, lasting union, but it requires work, communication, and commitment on the part of both parties, and the process will change as time progresses.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003eKirkus Reviews\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"The beauty of [Finkel's] new model is that the potential psychological benefits increase as you climb the hierarchy of needs.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cb\u003e—\u003c\/b\u003eChicago Tribune\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\"In his new book, \u003ci\u003eThe All-or-Nothing Marriage\u003c\/i\u003e, Finkel argues that twenty-first-century spouses seek partners who bring out their best, most authentic selves.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cb\u003e—\u003c\/b\u003eTIME\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\"An important book . . . full of interesting insights on contemporary marriage.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—David Brooks, \u003ci\u003eThe New York Times\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Truly . . . an excellent book.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e--\u003ci\u003eScientific American\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“The good news is that, unlike the fate of competitors in a winner-take-all financial transaction, one person’s spectacular marriage doesn’t doom anyone else’s to failure. Mr. Finkel’s book shares research on what happens in the best marriages, with the aim to help everyone else likewise score an “all” rather than a “nothing” partnership. . . . Finkel offers tough love advice.” \u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e--\u003ci\u003eThe Wall Street Journal\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Mr. Finkel [is] one of the leading lights in the realm of relationship psychology.” \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e--The Economist\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“An impressive work that not only charts the history of marriage from hunter-gatherers onward and explores all the ways marriage has evolved over the years but also boils the wealth of data to simple, attainable advice.” \u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e--The Huffington Post\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"A fantastic new book that looks at our complex history with the institution, exploring how marriage has changed and evolved, and how we can change and evolve along with it.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e--The Toronto Star\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\"\u003ci\u003eThe\u003c\/i\u003e \u003ci\u003e\u003ci\u003eAll-or-Nothing Marriage \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/i\u003eis a fascinating read about our culture's relationship to relationships.\"\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Books for Better Living\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e“For Finkel, it’s fine to look at marriage as a means to personal happiness, but it’s a 'two-way street.' It’s about giving as much as it is getting and forgetting that is the surest way to let your marriage fall apart.”\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e --\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cb\u003eVox.com\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cb\u003eELI J. FINKEL\u003c\/b\u003e is a professor of psychology and of management and organizations at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern University and the director of the Relationships and Motivation Lab. He has published more than one hundred scholarly papers and has won the most prestigious early career awards in both social psychology and relationship science. He is among the youngest scholars ever to serve as an associate editor of the \u003ci\u003eJournal of Personality and Social Psychology\u003c\/i\u003e, the top journal in his field, where he is also a widely published author.1.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Temperamental but Thrilling\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e I wanted to explore the art of pleasure in Italy, the art of      devotion in India, and, in Indonesia, the art of balancing the      two. It was only later, after admitting this dream, that I noticed      the happy coincidence that all these countries begin with the      letter I. A fairly auspicious sign, it seemed, on a voyage of      self-discovery.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e -Elizabeth Gilbert\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Eat Pray Love, the blockbuster memoir from Elizabeth Gilbert,      reports on the year she spent traveling in her midthirties as a      means of \"spiritual and personal exploration\" following her      divorce and a heartbreaking rebound relationship. The voyage is a      success: By the end, she finds herself thinking \"about the woman I      have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and about      how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life,      liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than      myself.\" Not incidentally, she falls deeply in love with a      Brazilian-Australian man in Indonesia, eventually achieving      marital harmony with him (at least for a while).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In Wild, Cheryl Strayed offers a higher-stakes, working-class      variation of the themes Gilbert explores in Eat Pray Love.      Strayed's memoir, subtitled From Lost to Found on the Pacific      Crest Trail, is another voyage of self-discovery that begins with      the failure of one marriage and concludes with the promise of      another (one that, as of this writing, has stuck).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In their searing narratives of self-discovery, personal growth,      and redemptive love, Eat Pray Love and Wild are archetypes of a      distinct literary form. These stories tap into our cultural      zeitgeist-the contemporary American hunger for a life that is true      to the self rather than beholden to rules and restrictions.      Gilbert and Strayed are, at the beginning of the memoirs, married      to loving, decent men, and they know it. But they also crave a      sort of personal growth that the marriage isn't providing, and      settling for love and decency doesn't feel like an option for      them. After their divorces and their voyages, they have found      themselves, setting the stage for second marriages, ones that      afford the authentic expression of their newly discovered selves.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As mainstream as such narratives are today, they certainly aren't      standard literary fare. The Western canon is waterlogged with the      tears of women enduring failures in love and marriage-Emma      Bovary's suicide by arsenic, Anna Karenina's suicide by      locomotive, Hester Prynne's disgrace by scarlet letter-but these      women tend not to achieve salvation on voyages of self-discovery.      It is hard to imagine Karenina responding to the estrangement from      her son with a spiritual pilgrimage to India, or Prynne responding      to her ignominy by initiating a thousand-mile trek. Such women      generally lacked the resources and the freedom to embark on      solitary adventures, even if they'd wanted to.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Our cultural zeitgeist is not limited to women. Men, too, are      seeking an authentic life and looking for a relationship that      elicits their authentic self. Neil Strauss, the infamous author of      The Game, a 2005 memoir of becoming a pickup artist, provides a      hypermasculinized example-his voyage revolves less around solitude      than around sexual conquest. In The Truth, published a decade      later, Strauss now has a serious girlfriend, whom he loves. Even      so, he's unwilling to commit to her. After they break up, he      searches for a (nonmonogamous) relationship arrangement that      allows him to live \"my authentic life.\" As Strauss explores      various relationship structures, he reflects: \"I feel like these      experiences are bringing me closer to something true and honest.\"      Eventually, and to his own amazement, the buried treasure at the      end of his quest turns out to be a monogamous marriage to his      girlfriend from the beginning of the book. \"Life is a test and you      pass if you can be true to yourself,\" he observes. \"To get the      first question correct, all you have to know is who you are.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Gilbert, Strayed, and Strauss embark from different ports and      travel to different destinations. But their shared emphasis on      self-discovery and authenticity, especially as these qualities      relate to love and marriage, distills a dominant theme in American      culture today.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Is this theme leading us to better or to worse marriages?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Yes-both. The pursuit of self-expression through marriage      simultaneously makes achieving marital success harder and the      value of doing so greater. Consequently, the average marriage has      been getting worse over time, even as the best marriages have been      getting better.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Culture and History\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e We all have a sense of what a \"traditional marriage\" looks like-a      matte image, of folks like June and Ward Cleaver, that provides a      benchmark against which we can contrast marriage today. The      anthropologist George Peter Murdock declared in 1949 that marriage      is a cultural universal: a union between a man and a woman      characterized by residential cohabitation, economic cooperation,      and sexual activity. And, at least until the recent surge in      approval of same-sex marriage, few Americans would have quarreled      with this definition.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e But the reality is that marriage varies drastically across      cultural and historical context. In some societies, husbands and      wives live apart. In others, they don't share economic resources.      Approximately 85 percent of the 1,231 cultures documented in the      Ethnographic Atlas Codebook practice polygyny (multiple wives for      a given husband), which also has deep roots in mainstream Western      culture. The Old Testament-the Jewish Torah-which provides      foundational religious beliefs for most Americans today, depicts      polygyny as a normative marital arrangement, one practiced by      respected leaders like Abraham, Moses, and King David.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Perhaps the most significant change in marriage over time has been      its conquest by love. \"Until the late eighteenth century,\"      observes the historian Stephanie Coontz, \"most societies around      the world saw marriage as far too vital an economic and political      institution to be left entirely to the free choice of the two      individuals involved, especially if they were going to base their      decision on something as unreasoning and transitory as love.\"      People valued love and preferred to love their spouse, of course,      but this emotion was not an important reason to marry, nor was its      cultivation or maintenance a primary function of marriage.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Consider the courtly love of medieval Europe, which was almost      exclusively adulterous. Its idealization and passion were believed      to be incompatible with the marital relationship, which was      determined by the sorts of political and pragmatic considerations      that formed the foundation of marriage for thousands of years.      Such considerations included the prospect of bringing more workers      into the household and forging alliances between extended family      units. In the preindustrial world, the individual household was      the unit of economic production-the place where spouses produced      the basic necessities of life, including food, clothing, and      health care. The primary functions of the marital relationship      revolved around this sort of production.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In short, the institution of marriage did not come prepackaged      with a set of universal principles or instructions. Rather, it has      existed in countless variations across space and time. That said,      all societies construe marriage as a means to the fulfillment of      certain goals, and despite some variation from person to person,      each society develops a loose consensus about which goals are most      important to meet through marriage (economic production or      emotional fulfillment, for example).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e America's Two Great Marital Transitions\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e America has witnessed three major eras of marriage: pragmatic,      love-based, and self-expressive. The first, which extended from      the colonial period until around 1850, had a pragmatic emphasis in      which marriage was primarily oriented toward helping spouses meet      their basic economic and survival needs. The industrialized      economy began to emerge during this era, but, for most Americans,      the small farm remained the primary economic unit. Wives,      husbands, and their children-and, frequently, extended family      members-worked in and around the farmhouse to produce enough food      to keep everybody fed and to create sufficient shelter and      clothing to keep everybody warm.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In the pragmatic era, having a marriage that functioned      effectively could be, during summer droughts or winter freezes, a      matter of life and death. In an era when wage labor was scarce,      governmental welfare programs meager, and civic institutions like      police forces weak or nonexistent, people looked to marriage, and      the broader familial alliances linked to it, to help them achieve      physical and psychological security.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The Sentimentality Transition\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e During the latter half of the 1800s, industrialization brought      massive increases in efficiency and productivity, greatly reducing      the prices of consumer goods. Improvements in transportation      infrastructure, including steamships and railroads, bolstered the      quality and quantity of trade and mitigated the devastation of      local crop failures. In 1876, the Transcontinental Express arrived      in San Francisco three and a half days after leaving New York, a      voyage that, ten years earlier, would have taken months. Such      developments dovetailed with improvements in industrial      production, including the assembly line and the mass production of      steel, to make available a broad range of new products, among them      household objects like sewing machines and typewriters.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Meanwhile, agricultural advances, including the invention of      high-quality fertilizers and heavy machinery, made food more      plentiful and less expensive. Health-related advances, including      pasteurization and sanitation enhancements, substantially reduced      early mortality rates. In general, the astounding pace of economic      development during the second Industrial Revolution eased the      everyday struggle to meet basic survival needs, which reduced      people's dependence on marriage to achieve basic subsistence.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e A sudden surfeit of jobs in industrial cities attracted people      from rural areas and other countries. For the first time in      history, young people were both geographically and economically      independent of their parents. This new freedom ushered in a second      era, one in which people sought to achieve personal fulfillment      through marriage. During this second era, from around 1850 until      around 1965, marriages had a love-based emphasis that placed a      premium on helping spouses meet their love and intimacy needs.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Husbands increasingly worked as wage laborers. Wives increasingly      worked as homemakers and as providers of a secondary source of      income, taking on boarders or doing piecework like assembling hats      and shoes. These changes yielded a new social structure in which      men spent much of their time in the predominantly male world of      paid employment and women spent much of their time in the      predominantly female world of domestic family life. In conjunction      with the elevated standard of living afforded by      industrialization, the development of these sex-segregated spheres      reinforced the emerging emphasis on sentimental reasons for      marriage. As it became easier to meet their most basic economic      and safety needs as a single person, Americans increasingly looked      to marriage for love and romantic passion. For many, love became a      precondition for marriage, a requirement that remains strong      today.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The Authenticity Transition\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The breadwinner-homemaker ideal from the love-based era had been      teetering for decades, especially as more and more women entered      the workforce, but it had a major last gasp in the 1950s and early      1960s. Because television shows, including Leave It to Beaver and      The Adventures of Ozzie \u0026amp; Harriet, first rose to prominence      during this era, the 1950s marriage has been enshrined in popular      consciousness as the \"traditional marriage,\" even though it was,      by historical standards, bizarre.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e In the 1960s, a series of cultural events set the stage for the      countercultural revolution during the second half of the decade.      The birth control pill became widely available in 1961, helping to      launch the sexual revolution. The journalist Betty Friedan      published The Feminine Mystique in 1963, triggering the      second-wave feminist movement. Leveraging the Reverend Martin      Luther King Jr.'s influence, President Lyndon Johnson signed the      Great Society legislation into law in 1964 and 1965, further      bolstering the emphasis on individual rights. The erstwhile      Harvard psychology professor Timothy Leary released the      spoken-word album Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out in 1967, exhorting      Americans to discover themselves and explore \"the meaning of inner      life.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Meanwhile, in a growing number of marriages, both spouses were      gainfully employed outside the home, and, for broad swaths of the      populace, the standard of living was rising rapidly. Over time,      the American economy became increasingly postindustrialized, with      jobs in the services, information, and research sectors      supplanting those in manufacturing. Seeking to develop the      intellectual skills that are especially prized in postindustrial      economies, more Americans went to college. Entrepreneurship and      the generation of novel ideas fueled economic growth.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The trend toward increasingly cerebral lives, especially among the      college educated, dovetailed with the countercultural revolution      to launch Americans-including Elizabeth Gilbert, Cheryl Strayed,      and Neil Strauss-on voyages of self-discovery and personal growth.      Consequently, the nature of social connection changed. During the      third era, from around 1965 to today, marriage has a      self-expressive emphasis that places a premium on spouses helping      each other meet their authenticity and personal-growth needs.      According to the sociologist Robert Bellah, a self-expressive      relationship \"is created by full sharing of authentic feelings,\"      and love \"becomes the mutual exploration of infinitely rich,      complex, and exciting selves.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The divorce rate-the number of divorces per year per one thousand      married women-had been slowly rising for over a century (with a      brief dip during the Great Depression and a brief spike following      World War II). But, as illustrated in the chart on the following      page, it skyrocketed between 1965 and 1980, largely due to the      rise of the self-expressive marriage. As we'll see in chapter 4,      however, Americans eventually adjusted to the self-expressive era;      divorce rates leveled off and even fell slightly, largely because      people stopped marrying so young.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Echoes of Abraham Maslow\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The historical changes in American marriage-from the pragmatic to      the love-based to the self-expressive eras-exhibit striking      parallels to the psychologist Abraham Maslow's famous hierarchy of      needs. As illustrated on the following page, this hierarchy is      typically represented as a triangle that encompasses, from bottom      to top, physiological needs (for air, water, food, etc.), safety      needs (for physical protection, psychological safety, economic      security, etc.), belonging and love needs (for friendship,      intimacy, romantic love, etc.), esteem needs (for self-esteem,      self-respect, esteem from others, etc.), and self-actualization      needs (to discover one's unique character strengths, to live in      accord with those strengths, to live in the moment, etc.). The      primary functions of marriage revolved around the fulfilment of      lower needs during the pragmatic era, middle needs during the      love-based era, and higher needs during the self-expressive era.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e When my students and I wrote the Psychological Inquiry Target      Article, we struggled to find a compelling metaphor for the      temporal changes in American marriage. The breakthrough came when      we reconceptualized Maslow's hierarchy not in the form of a      triangle, but in the form of a major mountain, which we dubbed      \"Mount Maslow.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As with any large mountain, the air gets thinner, and the oxygen      sparser, at higher altitudes. As marriage in America has become      increasingly oriented toward higher rather than lower altitudes on      Mount Maslow, it has required greater oxygenation-greater      nurturance regarding each other's emotional and psychological      needs. If spouses expect their marriage to help them fulfill such      needs but are unwilling or unable to invest the time and      psychological energy (the \"oxygen\") required at that altitude, the      marriage is at risk for suffocation-for lethargy, conflict, and      perhaps divorce.","brand":"Dutton","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46303539855589,"sku":"NP9781101984345","price":18.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9781101984345.jpg?v=1767738047","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/es\/products\/the-allornothing-marriage-isbn-9781101984345","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}