{"product_id":"queen-bee-moms-kingpin-dads-isbn-9781400083015","title":"Queen Bee Moms \u0026 Kingpin Dads","description":"What happens to Queen Bees and Wannabes when they grow up?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eEven the most well-adjusted moms and dads can experience peer pressure and conflicts with other adults that make them act like they’re back in seventh grade. In \u003ci\u003eQueen Bee Moms \u0026amp; Kingpin Dads\u003c\/i\u003e, Rosalind Wiseman gives us the tools to handle difficult situations involving teachers and other parents with grace. Reassuring, funny, and unfailingly honest, Wiseman reveals:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• Why PTA meetings and Back-to-School nights tap into parents’ deepest insecurities\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• How to recognize the archetypal moms and dads—from Caveman Dad to Hovercraft Mom\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• How and when to step in and step out of your child’s conflicts with other children, parents, teachers, or coaches \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• How to interpret the code phrases other parents use to avoid (or provoke) confrontation\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• Why too many well-meaning dads sit on the sidelines, and how vital it is that they step up to the plate\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• What to do and say when the playing field becomes an arena for people to bully and dominate other kids and adults\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• How to have respectful yet honest conversations with other parents about sex and drugs when your values are in conflict\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• How the way you handle parties, risky behavior, and academic performance affects your child\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e• How unspoken assumptions about race, religion, and other hot-button subjects sabotage parents’ ability to work together\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eQueen Bee Moms \u0026amp; Kingpin Dads\u003c\/i\u003e is filled with the kind of true stories that made Wiseman’s \u003ci\u003eNew York Times\u003c\/i\u003e bestselling book \u003ci\u003eQueen Bees \u0026amp; Wannabes\u003c\/i\u003e impossible to put down. There are tales of hardworking parents with whom any of us can identify, along with tales of outrageously bad parents—the kind we all have to reckon with. For instance, what do you do when parents donate a large sum of money to a school and their child is promptly transferred into the honors program–while your son with better grades doesn’t make the cut? What about the mother who helps her daughter compose poison-pen e-mails to yours? And what do you say to the parent-coach who screams at your child when the team is losing? Wiseman offers practical advice on avoiding the most common parenting “land mines” and useful scripts to help you navigate difficult but necessary conversations.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003ci\u003eQueen Bee Moms \u0026amp; Kingpin Dads\u003c\/i\u003e is essential reading for parents today. It offers us the tools to become wiser, more relaxed parents–and the inspiration to speak out, act according to our values, show humility, and set the kind of example that will make a real difference in our children’s lives.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAlso available as a Random House AudioBook and as an eBook\"Wise yet practical and full of humor, \u003ci\u003eQueen Bee Moms \u0026amp; Kingpin Dads \u003c\/i\u003eis a must-read for parents who want to deal with the other adults in their children’s lives with skill and compassion, rather than wrath and confusion. Rosalind Wiseman’s thoughtful suggestions will spare parents endless conflicts and substitute creative interventions. This book forces us to look ourselves in the mirror and face both our strengths and weaknesses while inspiring us to act as strong yet empathic role models for our children in a much-too-pressured and competitive world.\" —William Pollack, author of \u003ci\u003eReal Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Rosalind Wiseman is consistently amazing for her window on the real world. As always, she has an uncanny knack for characterizing people whom we see every day, and I found her stories compelling and poignant. Her advice is specific and to the point and can only be extremely helpful to parents taking on the humbling and perplexing world of the other adults who play such a big part in their own kids' lives. Above all, I found the book extraordinarily compassionate.\" —Anthony Wolf, Ph.D., author of \u003ci\u003eGet Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall\u003c\/i\u003e?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Wise, funny, real, and right on, \u003ci\u003eQueen Bee Moms \u0026amp; Kingpin Dads\u003c\/i\u003e will be your bible for handling the adults in your child’s life – including yourself – with dignity and grace.  Reading this book is an act of courage and love on behalf of your family. —Rachel Simmons, author of \u003ci\u003eOdd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression   in Girls\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Rosalind Wiseman has a good ear and a good eye. She watches and listens to the every day talk of kids and adults and hears and sees below the surface to identify important underlying social realities. In \u003ci\u003eQueen Bee Moms and\u003c\/i\u003e \u003ci\u003eKingpin Dads\u003c\/i\u003e she provides a road map for parents to help them negotiate the treacherous waters of adult peer culture on behalf of their children and their own peace of mind.\" —James Garbarino, Ph.D., author of \u003ci\u003eSee Jane Hit\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eLost Boys\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"\u003ci\u003eQueen Bee Moms and\u003c\/i\u003e \u003ci\u003eKingpin Dads\u003c\/i\u003e is honest and wise. As a father, I found the insights, stories and practical information in this book very powerful. As a professional, I found the book's basic premise to be profoundly important to the field of child development. Rosalind Wiseman asks nothing less of us than basic human civility.\" —Michael Gurian, author of \u003ci\u003eThe Minds of Boys\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eThe Wonder of Girls\u003c\/i\u003eRosalind Wiseman is a cofounder of the Empower Program, a nonprofit organization that empowers youth to stop violence, and the author of the \u003ci\u003eNew York Times\u003c\/i\u003e bestselling \u003ci\u003eQueen Bees \u0026amp; Wannabes\u003c\/i\u003e, the basis for the movie \u003ci\u003eMean Girls\u003c\/i\u003e. She lives in Washington, D.C., with her husband and two children. Readers can visit her website at rosalindwiseman.com.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eElizabeth Rapoport was the editor of Rosalind Wiseman’s \u003ci\u003eQueen Bees \u0026amp; Wannabes\u003c\/i\u003e. A full-time editor, writer, and life coach, she lives in White Plains, New York, with her husband and their two teenagers.Perfect Parent World,  Land of Perpetual Judgment\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    \"You couldn't pay me enough to go back to seventh grade.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    People love to tell me this. Teachers, parents, counselors,   principals, people on the street, people at parties--everywhere I go,   people tell me that they shudder at the thought of waking up one day   transported back to seventh grade. But when I tell them I'm writing a   book on parents' social competition, their eyes grow wide with   delight or dismay--and always with recognition. \"Do I have a story   for you,\" they say conspiratorially. Clearly, few of us have left   seventh grade completely behind.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    My goal in this book is to get you to do exactly what almost no one   wants to do: Go back to seventh grade and understand how the lessons   you learned as a child and adolescent affect the way you parent. And   when I say \"parent,\" I'm not just referring to your relationship with   your child. I'm including in my definition of parenting your   interactions and relationships with other parents, teachers, coaches,   school administrators, and children other than yours--any other   person in your child's world.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    You leave your adolescence with a sigh of relief--you think you never   have to revisit it--but you're mistaken. You don't just relive it   through your children; you also have countless opportunities to   experience it all over again as a parent. These are the moments of   growth that we all dread so much: You think you've gotten past your   adolescent insecurities, but then you have kids and all your   emotional maturity flies right out the window. Of course, parenting   can bring out the best in us--but we also have to admit that it can   sometimes bring out the worst. At the root of our actions lies a   deep-seated need to belong. Let's take a closer look at this need.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Back-to-School Night: Night Out or Nightmare?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Let's review the rite of passage I mentioned in the Introduction:   Back-to-School Night. I asked parents to tell me how they felt about   that night, and you'd be hard-pressed to tell some of their responses   apart from those of seventh graders.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Do Parents Worry About How They Look?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    You want to look put together because you're going to see a lot of   people you know.Virginia, middle school mom\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I got dressed up to the nines but one step down because I didn't want   to look like I tried too hard.Don, middle school dad\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I don't need to dress up for Back-to-School Night because I work.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Alex, middle school mom (oblivious to\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    the fact that she was dressed in her power suit)\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Do Parents Worry About Running into Other Parents?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    My daughter was in a special-needs class and I was apprehensive   because I thought everyone would know she was the one who needs the   extra help. I was embarrassed or ashamed that somehow it was a   reflection on me as being a bad parent.Jose, middle school dad\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Do Parents Worry About Whether They'll Fit In?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    What sticks out is how uncomfortable I felt. The teacher asked if   there were any questions and I had one, but I didn't ask because I   was worried that people would think I was an inattentive father.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Ronald, middle school dad\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    I walked into the school and everyone else knew each other--except   for me. I just leaned against the wall and thought, \"I'm sunk.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Arlene, elementary and middle school mom\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    While there are parents who eagerly attend Back-to-School Night, most   parents admitted to having some degree of anxiety about it. What's   behind this discomfort? You've probably already intuited part of the   answer: You feel like you're back in middle school. It's clear who's   at the top of the social ladder, who's not, and who's waiting to   climb up from the lower rungs. You probably have one of two reactions   to the scene: You want to be part of it, you hope highly placed, or   you want to have nothing to do with it.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Everyone wants to belong somewhere. There's nothing weak or   pathological about it--it's a universal drive. It's just that our   true character (individually and collectively) is revealed in the   moments when that belonging comes at the cost of what we believe in   and what we know is right, whether we're thirteen, thirty-three,   fifty-three, or seventy-three. To my mind, becoming an adult is the   process of understanding and holding on to our sense of self in the   face of this drive, because belonging often comes at the cost of the   values we stand for.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    What groups do we want to belong to? Do those groups accept us? Why   or why not? How do we decide where we want to belong? How do boys and   girls, men and women attain and maintain respect in their community   and in our culture? In turn, how is a social pecking order   established through this process?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Writing this book has made me realize that there are many adults who   feel just as trapped by the groups they are in, if not more so, than   the teens with whom I work. Most parents become friends with other   parents beginning in their children's play groups and then continue   on through their car pools, athletic teams, and religious youth   groups. To be sure, many people develop lifelong friends with people   they've met through their children. But there are a lot of parents   who are wondering how they became friends with these people and who   can't wait for their kids to graduate so they and the other parents   can quietly go their separate ways. Why? We chose to be with them on   the assumption that we have similar values and because we've gone   through similar experiences or rites of passage. But as we pass   through parenting's rites of passage, it's easy to confuse partners   in arms in a given situation or phase with people with whom we truly   want to go through life and can depend on.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    How do we know what we're looking for in each other? Let's start by   looking at two definitions of culture: the one in Webster's   dictionary and my own.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Webster's definition: The customary beliefs, social forms, and   material traits of a racial, religious, or social group.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    My definition: Everything we \"know\" about the way the world works but   have never been taught.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Our culture makes us feel that we have to be and look a certain way   so that we belong--regardless of whether we are poor, wealthy, or   anywhere in between. It convinces us that we are \"less than\" unless   we participate in the relentless struggle to keep up with or have   more than our neighbors. But our culture is not a thing that happens   to us. We are the ones who create and sustain it. If cultural values   are handed down through generations, it's because we absorb them and   act on them without question. Often we don't even realize the degree   to which we're constantly pressuring each other to conform to   cultural norms. Primed by these powerful cultural messages--in   magazines, on television, in movies, in supermarket conversations,   from our own parents--we can trick ourselves into believing that   there's just one party to go to, one group to belong to, and that if   we don't get in and stay in, we don't measure up or risk being thrown   out.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    As parents, we understand that the culture has great power over our   children; they see the latest ad campaign for jeans and are convinced   that their lives would be better if they bought them. However, we may   not realize that we're no less immune. If you have a car, ask   yourself what it says about you. In full, embarrassing disclosure, I   bought an SUV because I couldn't tolerate the image of driving a   minivan--which would have been a much better choice because they're   cheaper and more fuel-efficient.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    We also belong to microcultures where there are similar unwritten   rules we \"just know\" we have to follow. Your children's school, your   religious institution, your family--all have unwritten rules you must   follow to be accepted, and there are penalties for the people who   break those rules.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Cultural rule breakers can make others extremely uncomfortable, so   most people don't want them around. These people are seen as \"other,\"   possibly tolerated but rarely accepted. Very often, rule breakers   aren't respected, their opinions and experiences are easily   dismissed, and other people don't want to be seen as associated with   them, even when they think the rule breakers are right. If we grow up   without learning to question the culture, we take a few lessons with   us from our youth:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    1. You should please the person who has the most power.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    2. You should maintain relationships with the people in power.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    3. The result of all this pleasing and maintenance will be that you   won't say what you need or want.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    4. Loyalty is defined as backing up your friends by saying nothing,   laughing, or even joining in when their actions are unethical or   cruel.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    5. You should be silent in the face of cruelty so that the cruelty   isn't turned on you.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    So how does this affect parents? I think there is a parent culture   that takes its cues from the overall culture, tricking us into   thinking there is one best, most desirable way to be a parent. I call   it Perfect Parent World.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Welcome to Perfect Parent World\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    In Perfect Parent World, the kids are perfect. They do their homework   without nagging, effortlessly get into all the honors classes, get   elected to class offices, and give their parents a steady stream of   bragging rights based on their scholastic and athletic   accomplishments. In this mythical kingdom, the parents are perfect,   too. They're financially stable, wear the right clothes, drive the   right cars, never crack under the strain of car pool, offer our peers   excellent parenting advice, and have great kids whose pockets are   never filled with bad report cards, cigarettes, or Ecstasy.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Our family doesn't do average.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Tammy, mother of a five-year-old, complaining because her\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    son got an E for \"excellent\" instead of an O for \"outstanding\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    No one I know actually resides in Perfect Parent World, but most   parents I've met--myself included--measure themselves against this   impossible standard, and we imagine that the moms and dads with the   most power and highest social status occupy that cherished real   estate. But who decides who personifies perfection?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    One of the primary ways both boys and girls and men and women define   who has power and social status is by how our culture defines   masculinity and femininity. Girls and boys are introduced to these   cultural constructions very early in life. In middle school and high   school they build groups based on how closely they perceive their fit   into those cultural constructions, which I call Girl World and Boy   World.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    To understand more about how Girl World and Boy World evolve into   their adult parallels, Mom World and Dad World, let's look at three   definitions of the word femininity--the dictionary's, girls', and   parents'.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Dictionary definition: The quality or nature of the female sex.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Girl World definition: You have a great body, guys like you, you're   not a prude but you're not a slut, you're in control, and you're   smart enough to get people to do what you want--preferably without   them noticing.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Mom World definition: You have a relationship with a man, are thin,   never had any doubts about having children, and are on top of all   your thank-you notes.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Now let's look at how the same three sources define masculinity.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Masculinity: The qualities appropriate to, or usually associated with   a man, or forming the formal, active, or generative principle of the   cosmos. [I swear, my dictionary said this!]\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Boy World: You control your friends with a look or a \"hey.\" You   effortlessly have the right style and a great body (if it's not   effortless or you think too much about it, you'll be accused of being   gay), you can laugh off emotional and physical pain, the right girls   like you and you like all attention girls give you, you're   competitive about everything, and by five years of age you can   discuss professional sports with authority (although it's permissible   to trade knowledge of sports for expertise in martial arts or cars).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Dad World: You make lots of money and never worry about the money you   spend, you're married and have a good relationship with your wife and   kids, if you have a lawn it looks like a baseball diamond, you can   fix things, and you're in shape but not too much in shape (because   then you look like you're trying too hard), and you have a good sense   of humor.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Act Like a Woman: Mommy's Little Girl Grows Up\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    When I work with girls, I explain my definition of culture and then I   ask them what they think the culture is trying to persuade them they   need to be and look like and what the culture says they shouldn't be.   Then I ask them how a girl in their school earns high social status   or low social status. I write their answers in for them as the \"Act   Like a Woman\" box.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    What the girls realize is that their answers about what the culture   wants and doesn't want them to be often mirrors the \"Act Like a   Woman\" box they've said exists in their own community.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Now let's compare the girls' answers with the answers mothers told me   when I asked them the same question--but directed to them.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    As I talked to mothers, it became clear that the unwritten rules were   way too extensive for me to do them justice with a box. So here they   are in full.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    The \"Act Like a Mom\" Checklist\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She has the right style. She's cute. She stays on top of the   latest trends but she's not too sexy.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She's thin (no matter how many pregnancies).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She's athletic (five extra points if that includes tennis).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She's married to a caring, wonderful, wealthy, communicative,   handsome man who always treats her like a queen.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She's always loved having kids (no moments of hating them   allowed) and her kids love her.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She has lots of friends.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She's involved in the community and is always available for a   few more volunteer activities.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She loves the family pets (no matter how much they shed   because the house magically gets rid of all pet hair).\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She has a clean and organized house.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She drives a family-friendly station wagon, minivan, or SUV   that's immaculately clean, no sticky food allowed.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She's cheerful, not hysterical and anxious.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She's cooperative.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She has great skin--no wrinkles, pimples, or the dreaded   combination of both.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    *She appears to achieve all of the above effortlessly.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e    Are you simultaneously laughing, cringing, and resentful? Me too. And   just as girls know they're held to an impossible standard of beauty   but chase that ideal anyway, mothers know that this ideal is   ridiculous but still stay up until 2 a.m. baking cookies for a bake   sale instead of buying them on the way to school.Author of the New York Times Bestselling Queen Bees \u0026amp; Wannabes","brand":"Harmony","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46300200206565,"sku":"NP9781400083015","price":19.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9781400083015.jpg?v=1767735273","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/es\/products\/queen-bee-moms-kingpin-dads-isbn-9781400083015","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}