{"product_id":"not-what-i-expected-isbn-9780399171765","title":"Not What I Expected","description":"\u003cb\u003eFinalist for a Books for a Better Life Award\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eA pediatric neuropsychologist presents strategies to help parents of special-needs children navigate the emotional challenges they face.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As diagnosis rates continue to rise for autism, ADHD, learning disabilities, and other developmental differences, parents face a maze of medical, psychological, and educational choices – and a great deal of emotional stress. Many books address children’s learning or behavior problems and advise parents what they can do to help their kids, but until \u003cb\u003eNot What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children\u003c\/b\u003e there were no books that explain what the parents are going through - and how they can cope with their own emotional upheaval – for their own sake, and for the wellbeing of the whole family.\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e With compassion, clarity, and an emphasis on practical solutions, Dr. Rita Eichenstein's \u003cb\u003eNot What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children\u003c\/b\u003e walks readers through the five stages of acceptance (similar to the stages of grief, but modified for parents of special-needs kids). Using vivid anecdotes and suggestions, she helps readers understand their own emotional experience, nurture themselves in addition to their kids, identify and address relationship wounds including tension in a marriage and struggles with children (special-needs and neurotypical), and embrace their child with acceptance, compassion and joy.\"Though parenting any child can be demanding, pediatric neuropsychologist Eichenstein understands that particular challenges face the parents of “atypical” children, identified in this helpful manual as those who have “developmental, psychological, or learning disorders” or exhibit problematic behavior. She explains the neurobiology behind the feelings commonly experienced by such parents, including loss, denial, anger, bargaining, and depression, illustrated with relatable stories of the families with whom she’s worked. Eichenstein strongly counsels readers to trust the experts when it comes to diagnoses, remediation, and treatment. For her part, she offers therapeutic tools derived from cognitive psychology and her own long practice. She also addresses a range of pediatric disorders, including ADHD, autism, intellectual disability, and OCD. Her tone throughout maintains the “patient, positive, and optimistic outlook” that she wants to help parents cultivate. Indeed, any parent might benefit from the techniques outlined here. Sage and consistently reassuring, Eichenstein’s manual is a self-help book of the best kind, a road map for an emotionally fraught journey that illustrates how parenting itself can become an avenue for personal growth.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Publishers Weekly, \u003ci\u003estarred review\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"A superb book. Chock full of arresting insights as well as warmth and wisdom.\"\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e—Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of \u003ci\u003eThe Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Full of relatable stories and accessible grounding science, \u003ci\u003eNot What I Expected\u003c\/i\u003e offers parents validation, empathy, and practical tools.  A deeply personal read, readers may feel as if they're sitting with Dr. Eichenstein, who is all at once understanding them, challenging them, and leading them to acceptance and empowerment in their roles as parents.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-author of the NY Times bestselling books \u003ci\u003eThe Whole-Brain Child\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eNo-Drama Discipline\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“At last, a book that speaks directly to parents of children who are atypical, as well as to their teachers. Easily digestible and offering insight, support, warmth, and a touch of humor,\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003eNot What I Expected\u003c\/i\u003e will enhance your parenting toolbox and enrich your parenting life.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e--\u003c\/i\u003eBetsy Brown Braun, MA, Child Development and Behavior Specialist, and bestselling author of\u003ci\u003e Just Tell Me What to Say \u003c\/i\u003eand \u003ci\u003eYou’re Not the Boss of Me\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “A gem of a book. Dr. Rita Eichenstein has written with remarkable insight and compassion about the rarely focused on problems of the parents and family members of learning disabled or atypical children. A must-read for practitioners as well as parents.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e—Marion Solomon, Ph.D., author of \u003ci\u003eLean On Me\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eThe Wonder Of We In A Culture Of Me\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “With an enormous amount of experience, and mastery of the atypical brain, Dr. Eichenstein provides a road map for understanding and thriving alongside your atypical child. Not What I Expected is a must-have for any parent who has an atypical child and\/or a professional who works with special needs families.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e—Dr. Charles Sophy, Psychiatrist and Medical Director for the County of Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “Clear, practical and filled with hope, the ideas and practices in this book offer a science-based common sense approach that any parent or practitioner working with an atypical child will be benefit from. What better gift can we give these children!\"\u003cbr\u003e —\u003cb\u003eElisha Goldstein, PhD, author of \u003ci\u003eUncovering Happiness: Overcoming depression with Mindfulness and Self-Compassion\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “Where other resources are content to focus on a child's condition, \u003ci\u003eNot What I Expected\u003c\/i\u003e takes the critical next step in guiding parents through these difficult times.  And it does this brilliantly, combining clinical rigor with a deep empathy for every member of the family and each one's special challenges.  The result is a book that is an indispensable partner for parenting the atypical child and helping families live full, loving lives together.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cb\u003e—\u003c\/b\u003eMichelle Miller, M.D., Pediatric Cardiologist, Associate Professor of Medicine, Florida State University School of Medicine\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“An excellent guide that off ers a well-rounded approach and hold s a treasury of great information.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e—Lance Steinberg, MD, assistant clinical professor of UCLA (Geff en) NPI and pediatric\/adolescent psychopharmacologist\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e  \u003cbr\u003e “This is a wonderful, well-written book that helps parents of atypical children deal with the wide range of emotions such a parenting journey brings. Ultimately, the book guides parents toward greater self-awareness, mindfulness, and compassion for self and their unique child.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e—Lidia Zylowska, MD, psychiatrist, cofounder of the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center, and author of \u003ci\u003eTh e Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “This is the go-to book for all who are raising atypical children. The genius of the book lies in its relatable vignettes struck through with unique insight and incomparable warmth. Dr. Eichenstein’s experience-based understanding and empathic lens off er all of us parents hope!”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e—Jan Goldstein, bestselling author and award-winning educator\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “I urge any parent who is struggling with an atypical child to pick up \u003ci\u003eNot What I Expected\u003c\/i\u003e. You’ll be fortified to savor the rewards, and sustained to withstand the challenges, in dealing with your surprising,unexpected child.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e--Zoë Kessler, B.A., B.Ed., author of \u003ci\u003eADHD According to Zoë: The Real Deal on Relationships, Finding Your Focus \u0026amp; Finding Your Keys\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e “There's a lot of useful information here and a clear intention to acknowledge parents' struggles… compassionate advice for parents of atypical children.”\u003cbr\u003e \u003cb\u003e– \u003ci\u003eKirkus Reviews\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003cb\u003eRita Eichenstein, Ph.D\u003c\/b\u003e.\u003c\/b\u003e, is a noted psychologist and pediatric neuropsychologist. Renowned in the field of child development and author of the popular blog \u003ci\u003ePositively Atypical! by Dr. Rita Eichenstein\u003c\/i\u003e, her life’s work has been to reach out, support, and counsel atypical children and their parents. She maintains a private practice in Los Angeles, specializing in learning disabilities, attention deficit disorders, autism spectrum, twice exceptional students and giftedness, in children, teens, as well as college students and graduate students. Sought out for her clinical expertise, Dr. Eichenstein speaks at schools, educational and business conferences, has been cited in \u003ci\u003eNYMetroParents Prevention.com, Scholastic.com, SheKnows.com, and Time Magazine\u003c\/i\u003e, and is a frequent guest on national, local, and syndicated radio programs across the country.\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFOREWORD\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe journey from infancy to adulthood is both promising and perilous—a path best navigated with the informed and loving support of parents and other caregivers along the way. As such an important figure in your child’s growth, how can you best be informed and prepared to optimize the support and guidance you give? And when things don’t go as planned, when a child has an unanticipated difference in how they think, feel, or behave—when they are “not typical”—how can you be as strong and knowledgeable as possible in order to offer the best support you can? When things get tough, how can you remain a wellspring of love for your child? Our own resistance, confusion, and disappointment, and sometimes our embarrassment and shame when we compare our family to the experiences of others, can create stress and may distance any of us, at least at first, from being present for our child in the most supportive ways we can.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe term “atypical child” is now commonly used to describe individuals who have some features that make their particular patterns of growth; ways of thinking, perceiving, and feeling; and ways of behaving and interacting with others not what we usually expect. Whether this atypical way of being stems from a difference in the body or in the brain’s structure and functioning, the difference is not the result of anything a parent has intentionally done. Yet often we can feel guilty and responsible for these differences. Parental care and concern are deep, innate feelings that can sometimes become overwhelming, restricting our thinking and making our mood somber and our optimism dimmed. Learning to understand your own emotions can help free you from these common yet unnecessary internal reactions.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn this magnificent handbook for learning to become the best source of support for an atypical child, Rita Eichenstein, PhD, serves as an inspiring guide. This book will walk you step by step through the inner and outer challenges of this journey. As a clinical neuropsychologist with extensive experience and knowledge, Dr. Eichenstein supports you not only with her expertise with atypically developing children and adolescents, but also with her emotionally supportive strategies. If you’ve just found out about the unique challenges for your child’s development, this is a powerful guide to help you take on this new information. And if you’ve been living for a while with knowledge of your child’s atypical development, this book will also be of great help in guiding you through the long-term issues you will face.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eNot What I Expected\u003c\/i\u003e itself is wonderfully not what you may typically expect from a book on this topic: Instead of focusing exclusively on your child’s experience and needs, the approach explores the scientifically established view that the best way to support your child’s development is to encourage and support your inner understanding. By paying attention to your own feelings and reactions, you can catalyze the transition from first sensing that something is different and seeking professional help to adjusting to this new knowledge and then learning to move from the common experiences of denial, anger, sadness, and grief toward a sense of acceptance, mental clarity, and empowerment.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTake in the wisdom and support \u003ci\u003eNot What I Expected\u003c\/i\u003e provides so that you and your child can optimize your relationship and flourish, both together and as individuals living your best possible lives.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e—Daniel J. Siegel, MD\u003cbr\u003eExecutive director of the Mindsight Institute\u003cbr\u003eClinical professor at the UCLA School of Medicine\u003cbr\u003eAuthor of \u003ci\u003eBrainstorm \u003c\/i\u003eand\u003ci\u003e The Developing Mind\u003c\/i\u003e and coauthor of \u003ci\u003eParenting from the Inside Out\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eThe Whole-Brain Child\u003c\/i\u003e, and\u003ci\u003e No Drama Discipline\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eINTRODUCTION\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWelcome to a book about parenting that does not focus on your child. Instead, it focuses on the most important force behind your child’s well-being: you, the parent. I wrote this book to help you learn how to cope with your feelings about parenting a child who is different from what you expected—what I term as an atypical child.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat does atypical mean? It’s a term that encompasses children who do not conform to the usual expectations, whether because of a learning disorder, behavioral or psychological issues, medical problem, or another condition. Atypical also refers to kids who do not meet criteria for a specific diagnostic category, or who have not yet been diagnosed. They might be quirky, delayed, difficult, or just unusual. They might be highly gifted in one area but delayed in others. Their suffering, and the suffering of their parents, does not get a label. All of these children’s struggles generate intense feelings in their parents—feelings like bewilderment, confusion, anxiety, and fear.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI meet these parents when they come to me to get their children tested. As a neuropsychologist, I’m trained to conduct assessments of a child’s brain-behavior connections. Every day, worried parents ask me, “What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to do? Please help me understand my child better.”\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat they don’t ask, but what I’ve discovered that many are thinking, is: \u003ci\u003eAm I a bad person? What’s wrong with me? I don’t know how to handle my feelings about my child. I feel crazy because no one believes me when I say something’s wrong with my kid.\u003c\/i\u003e Or more commonly, \u003ci\u003eMy child is driving me crazy and I feel like a terrible parent, but it’s my feelings that are the hardest part, not my child.\u003c\/i\u003e Some parents have fears they don’t dare verbalize: \u003ci\u003eAm I causing this? Was it something I ate during pregnancy? \u003c\/i\u003eAnd many have anxieties they try to suppress, but which bubble up every night in the wee hours: \u003ci\u003eWhat am I supposed to do with my feelings? Am I entitled to my feelings? Isn’t it supposed to be about my child, who is clearly suffering?\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis book is designed to help parents of atypical children understand what they are feeling and learn how to manage their emotions. The difficult feelings involved in parenting special children are normal responses that evolve in predictable phases. Many of parents’ most painful or shameful feelings are innate, brain-based reactions to stressful or traumatic situations. There are techniques you can use to manage the emotional phases you will pass through when coming to terms with raising your atypical child. By learning how to handle these difficult but common emotional and cognitive states, you’ll be able to maximize your ability to parent your child wholeheartedly. When parents understand and have control over a seemingly uncontrollable situation, they become empowered and their confidence grows.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eRaising an atypical child requires atypical parenting. It involves an ongoing process of self-questioning and decision making that can overwhelm even the most committed parents. The responsibility for this young life is in your hands, yet you may often feel helpless and ill-equipped to track down all the options and juggle the demands of doctors, teachers, therapists, and social workers, not to mention family members. In addition to these obvious stressors, there are deeper issues. Having an atypical child will trigger emotions that are hard-wired in all of us—denial, fear, bargaining with fate, isolation, and depression—along with hope, optimism, and joy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAs a neuropsychologist who has worked with thousands of families, I believe that the secret crisis of atypical children is the crisis of their parents. Parents, both as individuals and as couples, often struggle to keep their lives together while helping their children. Mothers in particular are at a higher risk of depression than the average mom. Divorce is rampant among couples with special-needs or difficult children. Everyone knows that raising atypical kids takes a heavy toll on parents, but until recently few have recognized how much the parents’ mental health impacts their children’s well-being. Historically, dealing with parents has not been a focus of pediatric medicine. Parents’ emotions are usually ignored, sometimes even when a life-altering diagnosis is delivered. As one parent noted, “The doctors gave me a diagnosis and a brochure and sent me on my way. It took me a long time to handle the impact of the information, let alone to be able to be helpful to my child.”1\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eA growing body of research now confirms that parents’ moods can affect the way they care for their children and how those children fare.2 Yet health providers have not acted on the news.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eChildren’s advocate and author Dr. Perri Klass wrote, “As a pediatrician, I tend to focus on the child, of course. Asking mental health questions of the parent can sometimes feel intrusive or invasive.”3 The child’s welfare is naturally a front and center concern, but who ensures that this child is nurtured and protected? Who needs to be consistently upbeat and encouraging? It’s usually the parent. And what about that parent? How is he or she coping with this child and these challenges?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003ci\u003eHow are you?\u003c\/i\u003e How are you holding up? Where is the road map to help you navigate your own journey?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eParents Are Not Robots\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI decided to write \u003ci\u003eNot What I Expected\u003c\/i\u003e after many years of working with both children and parents in psychotherapy, doing neuropsychological assessments and helping parents understand their children. These latter sessions would often run over two hours as we pored over the test results, discussed my impressions, and determined how the overall profile would impact their child and what they could do to help. After these long meetings, I would advise the parents to go home, relax, read over the report again, and take some time to digest the information. I would promise to call in a few days or weeks to see how the family was doing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut many parents did not go home and proceed as planned. Instead, they fell into a state of paralysis and denial and delayed acting on the information. When I called to check in, they often seemed dazed, upset, or confused. How can they be confused, I used to wonder, when we spent so much time reviewing everything?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI came to realize a very important truth that all clinicians need to understand: Parents are not robots who can automatically deliver a menu of services to their child. They are human, with needs of their own. And when it comes to discussing their child’s diagnosis, something in their brain shuts down, making them unable to process the distressing information. As I continued to work with parents over many years, I saw that the different emotional states they passed through deeply impacted how they related to their children, the treatment decisions they made, and how their children fared.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI wanted to learn how to help these parents manage their feelings, so I looked high and low for information on the topic—and found nothing. I was astonished that a subject so critical to the well-being of special children was simply absent. No books, no websites, no magazines devoted exclusively to the complicated and profound emotional challenges that all parents of atypical kids face. So I set about writing such a book myself.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhy Understanding Your Emotions Makes You a Better Parent\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGood parents take care of their own needs as well as those of their children. They have worked through their emotional minefields and therefore have a better array of responses for their family. The fact is, your emotional well-being is crucial to your child’s future. Understanding your emotions gives you a measure of control over yourself and the daunting situations you encounter. It helps you relate positively to your child and your family. Your emotions also impact your decision making, and for parents of atypical kids, important decisions crop up regularly. Your mental state sets the tone for healthy (or unhealthy) parenting and affects your child’s ability to form loving attachments. As a parent, you have a serious responsibility to maintain your own emotional inner balance. The emotional impact that you will have on your child is directly related to how well you understand and process your own feelings and reactions. Only then can you mindfully tune your parenting antenna outward in a controlled and reflective manner.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eChildren, even infants, are exquisitely sensitive to their parents’ moods and reactions. Your words can’t disguise your true feelings—if you tell your child, “I’m so happy to see you today, honey!” but don’t mean it, your child will know. And most children will assume that they are the cause of your stress or unhappiness. While it’s true that atypical children create more stressful conditions for parents, that doesn’t mean your emotions must be permanently pushed out of whack. We all have the capacity to intentionally improve our emotional balance, but first we must understand our feelings, know where they are coming from, and learn what to do with them.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis book is intended not only for parents of kids with developmental, psychological, or learning disorders but also for any parent who has children that seem to challenge the typical parenting parameters. Whatever your child’s condition, in order to survive the labyrinth of parenting challenges and decisions that lie ahead, you will need to understand what you are going through emotionally and acquire the tools to deal with those emotions.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEmotional Phases You Can Expect\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen a child is diagnosed with any type of condition, or even before a diagnosis, parents’ emotions surge into overdrive. While all parents are continually battling fear and anxiety about the well-being of their child, parents of atypical children will go through a series of neurologically based (“hardwired”) emotional reactions before their psychological responses and connection to their child becomes stabilized. There are at least five feeling states that parents often experience:\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cbr\u003e   • Denial\/retreat\u003cbr\u003e   • Anger\/aggression\u003cbr\u003e   • Bargaining\/seeking control\/seeking solutions\u003cbr\u003e   • Depression\/isolation\/shame\u003cbr\u003e   • Acceptance\/equanimity\/integration\u003cp\u003eSome parents experience all of these feeling states; others go directly to one feeling state and get stuck there. The emotional phases are sometimes sequential; in other families the parents shift in and out of different phases at different times. The process is not logical, and the phases can feel turbulent and chaotic even though the range of responses is predictable. This emotional journey, and how you can eventually pass through it to reach a place of mindful equanimity and stability, is what I will explain and illustrate in this book. I use a brain-based model to demonstrate what goes on in the minds and psyches of parents as they process information about their child.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn the opening chapter, you’ll learn how parents’ expectation of raising a perfect child is shattered when their son or daughter is diagnosed or their development or personality disrupts general expectations. We’ll look at how a parent’s mental health and self-esteem is affected when a child is found to be atypical. In subsequent chapters, you’ll learn about the five major phases you can expect to pass though as you come to terms with your real child. As I guide you through the ways you may feel and behave during a particular phase, I’ll share related cases from my client files (they are all composites—my clients’ confidentiality is sacred). I’ll also offer techniques for focusing, coping, and calming yourself, so that you will be able to move forward with compassion and energy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThroughout this book you will read vignettes about children with a variety of diagnoses. Some of these are found in the DSM-5 (\u003ci\u003eDiagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition\u003c\/i\u003e), others are in the ICD-9 (\u003ci\u003eInternational Classification of Diseases, Ninth\u003c\/i\u003e \u003ci\u003eRevision\u003c\/i\u003e), and other diagnoses, such as sensory processing disorder and auditory processing disorder, and nonverbal learning disorder (NVLD) do not fall within the realm of psychology, psychiatry, or neuropsychology. They are treated by other health professionals, such as occupational therapists, audiologists, and speech and language therapists. The professional world acknowledges that these conditions or clusters of symptoms that seem to look like a disorder exist, but there is disagreement about what to call them. And in some cases, there is no exact treatment protocol that is universally recognized as the “right” treatment. And in some cases, children are just quirky or nondiagnosed.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe insights and suggestions in this book are based on my own clinical experience as well as the work of experts in the fields of emotional development, parenting, neuropsychology, and neurobiology, including Daniel J. Siegel, Jaak Panksepp, Pat Ogden, Martin Seligman, Elisha Goldstein, Jon Kabat-Zinn, Bessel A. van der Kolk, Kristin Neff, Richard Davidson, and Linda Graham, among many others. Their research reveals how much we all have in common: our imperfections and frailties, our ability to adapt, our fears, our resilience, our bravery. While your atypical child may have come as a huge surprise to you, I will bet that in the end, the biggest revelation will be how well you rise to the occasion. Maybe sputtering and flailing around a bit—but you will rise! And you’ll carry your child with you. As you go through this essential process of learning about yourself, I hope you will consider me your companion, cheerleader, and confidante.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e—Rita Eichenstein, PhD\u003cbr\u003eLos Angeles, 2015\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eCHAPTER ONE\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat We Expect When We’re Expecting\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEven before I got pregnant I had an image of what my child would be like. She—it was always a she!—would be calm and sensitive, like me. Outgoing but also studious and creative—which are also traits that I have. I’m ashamed to admit all of this now. But when we found out that our son (!) has a learning disability, the diagnosis, combined with his wild, rambunctious behavior, threw me into a deep depression. It was like I had lost something that I never really had to begin with.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e—Emily, parent of an 8-year-old with ADHD and dyslexia*\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMost of us conjure a distinct image of our future child when we contemplate parenthood. We not only want our child to be smart, good-looking, confident, happy, talented, and charming, we \u003ci\u003eexpect\u003c\/i\u003e those things, and much more, because parents-to-be can’t help but imagine the best of all possible outcomes. If we are artistically inclined, we might imagine finger painting with our child or taking her to the museum. If we are athletic, we envision playing catch on the lawn or shooting hoops at the park. Even if we had no specific daydreams about our baby before he or she arrived, the fantasy may have materialized during the infant or toddler years—the vision of a precocious child picking out an original tune on the piano or setting up a wildly successful lemonade stand. Such imaginary parent-child scenarios are perfectly natural, because it’s part of our genetically programmed DNA to pass down aspects of ourselves and our culture to the next generation. We are predisposed to want to share our interests and strengths with our children.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn addition, there is plenty of societal pressure to produce not an average child, but an exceptional one. Keeping up with the Joneses’ baby requires more than just comparing how fast our child is growing and how soon she learns to sit up, crawl, walk, and talk. Today’s moms and dads often feel compelled to try to teach their baby to read before she’s three (never mind how unlikely and unnecessary that is). Other parents buy apps for baby sign language, toddler puzzles and quizzes, preschool reading and writing games, and more. With all this focus on early achievement, how can expectant parents \u003ci\u003enot\u003c\/i\u003e conjure an ideal child? Anything less would be a child who is sadly unable to compete in today’s precarious economy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eCultural expectations greatly contribute to how we form the image of our ideal child, but so do personal expectations: a beautiful little girl who will grow up to attend Northwestern and become a doctor like her mom . . . a sociable little boy who has the makings of a successful business leader like his uncle Joe. Spoken or not, acknowledged or subconscious, we all have dreams of the future child, teen, and adult that our baby will grow up to be.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhile the rational part of our brain insists that we will be happy with any child as long as he or she is healthy, the emotional part—our heart and our imagination—tells us something else. It’s no wonder, then, that a small riot lets loose in a corner of our brain when these expectations are disrupted because our child is in some way atypical. A voice protests: \u003ci\u003eWhat’s happening?\u003c\/i\u003e \u003ci\u003eThis is \u003c\/i\u003enot\u003ci\u003e what I expected!\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLearning That Your Child Is Different\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eExperience has taught me that it is impossible to predict parents’ reactions to the news that their child is atypical. Initially, their outward response may be plucky: “Okay, what can we do?” Or they may retreat into denial: “This can’t be true!” But whatever they say out loud, I know that their internal reaction is much deeper and less rational. Parents commonly struggle with fear, anger, denial, sadness, shame, and resentment. Underlying each of these emotions is a profound sense of loss that, unfortunately, is rarely acknowledged by pediatricians, mental health professionals, or well-meaning family and friends. What exactly has been lost? The fantasy of the perfect child, the child who was supposed to evolve from that perfect cherub a parent falls in love with in the first few days of life. The child they imagine will reflect the very best of Mom and Dad.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSome children I see in my practice are delayed, hyperactive, or struggling to master the demands of their external world. Some are physically ill. Some are depressed, anxious, are on the autism spectrum, or are highly sensitive, tightly wound, or quirky. Some are quite gifted in certain ways but are delayed in other areas. And some kids are just different. Or difficult. Their parents typically ask for an assessment in order to understand their children better and to figure out how to help them. They are often at a point of exasperation, if not despair. Yet I find all of the children (with rare exceptions) to be endearing and extremely interesting. And so many I find to be quite unique and promising in their own way.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI spend a lot of time with the children in my practice, getting to know them, figuring out how they learn, what makes them happy, how they cope with their challenges. Spending so much time with these kids, I become very attached to every one of them. I can see beyond their atypicality to \u003ci\u003ewho they are\u003c\/i\u003e. To me, it is always awe-inspiring because I know that this world needs all types of minds. The most amazing and game-changing contributions have come from atypical and unique individuals who did not fit into the narrow expectations of current societal and academic\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Tarcher","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46304778846437,"sku":"NP9780399171765","price":17.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780399171765.jpg?v=1767733907","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/es\/products\/not-what-i-expected-isbn-9780399171765","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}