{"product_id":"mountain-man-dance-moves-isbn-9780307277206","title":"Mountain Man Dance Moves","description":"If a mountain man felt compelled to dance, how would he do it? If koala bears could talk, what would they say? And what’s the right pickup line, if you’re a necrophiliac? (Maybe “I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get you pregnant.”) \u003cbr\u003e \u003cbr\u003eIn the throes of debates like these, we’re lucky to have the learned people of \u003ci\u003eMcSweeney’s Internet Tendency\u003c\/i\u003e, America's best low-budget humor website, and their edifying work. From their best-looking writers comes this collection of over three hundred lists, including...\u003cbr\u003e“Signs Your Unicorn Is Cheating on You.”\"Errors in Communication Between My Hairdresser and Me, in the Form of What I Said and What He Heard\"\"Things This City Was Built On, Besides Rock 'n' Roll\"\"Things This One Girl Sitting Near Me in a Movie Theater Said Out Loud When One of the Characters Was Shown Pulling Into a Gas Station\"\"Future Winners of the \u003ci\u003eNew Yorker\u003c\/i\u003e Cartoon Caption Contest\"\"Adjectives Rarely Used by Wine Tasters\"\"The Collected Apologies of Lawrence H. Summers, President of Harvard\"\"Exactly What I Mean When I Say My Ex-Girlfriend Kristin and I 'Wanted Different Things from Life’\"And much, much more...McSweeney's is a small group that sells taxidermy equipment and also produces books, a literary quarterly, and \u003ci\u003eThe Believer\u003c\/i\u003e, a monthly review. Based in San Francisco, McSweeney's is also home to 826 Valencia, a nonprofit educational center for Bay Area youth.Chapter 1    [Note: Lists are best read first column first, then second column.    When a list does not end at the bottom of a page, it will continue on    the next page]    THINGS KOALA BEARS WOULD SAY    by Timothy Weinmann    Yay!    Love me!    Climbing trees is fun!    Let’s volunteer at a soup kitchen this Christmas.    My tongue is funny!    Eating leaves is fun!    Will you help me think of something nice we can do for Grandma?    Look, a pouch!    Let’s prevent a forest fire!    No, you’re the cutest ever.    Camus is boring. I find Karl Jaspers’s philosophy much more    enlightening.    Wheeee!    Let’s make cider!    I bet I’ll live forever!    FORMER JOBS HELD BY THE GUY YOU ONCE SAW WEARING THAT “PUSSY PATROL” T-SHIRT    by Mike Sacks    Vagina cop    Titty detective    Part-time perineum security guard    Anus temp    Nipple bureaucrat    Executive vice president of technology and worldwide operations for    Merrill Lynch    EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY MY EX-GIRLFRIEND KRISTIN AND I “WANTED DIFFERENT THINGS FROM LIFE”    by Dan Kennedy    Something I didn’t want from life was for us to stay together after    she slept with another man in exchange for cocaine.    Something she wanted from life was for us to stay together after she    slept with another man in exchange for cocaine.    7 HABITS OF HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE    by Brendon Lloyd    1.Skiing    2.Yachting    3.Snorkeling    4.Golf    5.Polo    6.Dinner parties    7.Shopping    TOURISM SLOGANS THAT FAILED TO SEAL THE DEAL    by Michelle Orange    Kyrgyzstan: Kazakhstan’s Mexico    Germany: Let It Go    Venezuela: We Dare You    Cambodia: Nike’s Best Kept Secret    It’s Worse in Western    Samoa    Canada: Turn Left at Greenland    Syria: Come for the Ruins, Stay Because We Confiscated Your Passport    ANECDOTAL LEADS FOR NEWS STORIES REPORTING THE END OF THE WORLD    by Hart Seely    Nine-year-old Joshua Harding didn’t plan to miss classes Tuesday at    West Monroe Elementary School. Nobody did.    But dismissed were his classes—for good.    After carefully parking his red Toyota Matrix in the lot outside    Dick’s Sporting Goods, John P. Boyce strode briskly into the West    Burlington store.    He was looking for rain gear on a day when rain gear would not be    enough.    “The prices are outrageous,” said Boyce, fifty-eight, of West Street,    as he sifted through brightly colored slickers and tall rubber boots.    “Then again, I guess you could say it’s a seller’s market.”    An hour later, it was a nobody’s market.    Tamika Carter had dieted all spring to lose twenty-eight pounds in    time for the Independence Day weekend. She skipped lunches and jogged    each night after returning home from her job at the Pancake Circus.    “I always try to lose weight before summer,” the twenty-seven-year-   old Sacramento waitress said. “You want to look good on the beach.”    But this summer, looking good on the beach would turn out to be far    less important than Carter could have imagined.    Mo Bushnell was not happy.    Not happy at all.    With a wheezing gust from his eighty-four-year-old lungs, the    opinionated former Ashtabula steelworker had managed to blow out all    the candles on his large chocolate layer cake. But it was abundantly    clear that Bushnell’s birthday wish would not be coming true.    Not this year.    Not ever.    Though the sign outside Desi’s Show Lounge shouted closed for good,    Andrew Kramer kept pounding on the front door, as if trying to rouse    what spirits of romance might still reside within the abandoned South    Side disco.    As his knuckles rapped against the empty building, Kramer found    himself humming the classic disco oldie “Last Dance” by Donna Summer.    “Last dance,” he sang.    “It’s the last chance. For    lo-ove.”    It was the musical sentiment that echoed across Sarasota Tuesday.    Claude D. LaMont grinned as he stepped from the yellow taxi, then    turned to hand the driver a crisp $50 bill.    LaMont was returning from the Oneida Indian Casino, where he had just    lost every last penny in his bank account. Not only that, he had    gambled away his house, his car, and all his earthly possessions.    “Who the heck cares?”    LaMont said, flicking his cigarette butt to the curb. “In a matter of    hours, we’re all dead.”    And he was right.    With a broad smile emerging from his salt-and-pepper beard, gas    station attendant Earl Talbot hailed the little man in the shiny red    Porsche that had pulled up to pump no. 3 and demanded,    “Fill ’er up!”    Without skipping a beat, Talbot unveiled the sawed-off shotgun he    kept behind his back and blasted four bullets into the unidentified    driver’s skull. Then, with a tortured howl directed at the sky, Talbot placed the muzzle of the    gun in his wide mouth and pulled the trigger.    For the Exit 41 Kwik Fill, the final exit had come.    GOOD LAST LINE TO A SYNDICATED PRISON HUMOR COLUMN    by Mike Sacks    “Anyway, I guess that’s why they call it prison.”    REJECTED BOND GIRLS    by Rebecca Waits    Chlamydia Johnson    Pussy Notsomuch    Gloria Abortion    Incestua    Plenty O’Hep    Jenny Arthritis    S’phyllis    Star Jones    SIGNS YOUR UNICORN IS CHEATING ON YOU    by Christopher Monks    Seems emotionally distant and uninterested    Wears fancier tail ribbons    Starts working out at the gym    Quickly closes its laptop when you walk into its enchanted den    Credit card bill full of charges to area elf lodges    The “three C’s”: confrontation, criticism, and complaints    Every time you say the word “magic” it sighs forlornly    Is making a movie with Angelina Jolie    BARTLETT’S FAMILIAR QUOTATIONS    by Martin Bell    “Hi there. John Bartlett.”    —John Bartlett    “Reservation should be under ‘Bartlett.’ That’s two T’s. Yes. ‘Bart-   let-et.’ ”    —John Bartlett    “Yep, that was me. I’m that Bartlett.”—John Bartlett    “Yes, I’d like another one.”    —John Bartlett    “. . . and I said, ‘Yeah, and you can “quote” me on it!’ Ha, ha!”—   John Bartlett    “Ah, yes, where’s your restroom?”—John Bartlett    “Hey there, my little . . . my little cowgirl. I’m Jack Bartlett.    Want credit for a quotation? I don’t think anyone’s laid claim to    your phone number yet. Nice. Just . . . just one second, let me get a    pen.”—John Bartlett    “That’s not funny. It’s not funny. Don’t ask me what, you know what.    The little quote fingers. All the goddamn time. Everything I say.    Just . . . just stop. Okay?”—John Bartlett    “No, how about you please leave the premises? Huh? How about you    don’t make a scene? How about . . . how about that? Well, fine.    Fucking . . . fine. Don’t touch me! Don’t you dare touch me! Fuck    you, you fucking piece of . . . of fuck. How’s that for a bloody    quotation?”—John Bartlett    “Oh, nice one, honey. Yes. Clever. That’s becoming quite a familiar    quotation in its own right, isn’t it? Maybe I should just add it to    the next edition. ‘Mother was right.’ Author: Mrs. Bartlett, world-   renowned nag. Year: 1859. Attribution: A short play entitled Every    Goddamn Weekend.”—John Bartlett    “Right. Well, you call him and talk about it. Hey, and when you bring    it up, ask him about the ‘Bartlett’s’ on the cover. Singular    possessive, mind you. Note where the apostrophe is. Ask him if he    thinks you’re entitled to half the royalties. Just ask him. I have my    hunch, but I’m sure his legal opinion counts for a lot more. Go on,    call Stanley. If you need me, I’ll be in bed.”—John Bartlett    PUNCH LINES THAT WOULD ONLY SEEM FUNNY TO YOU AND THE GUY YOU JUST SPENT THE LAST TEN YEARS WITH IN A PIT    by Mike Sacks    “When the buzzard came down and ate that dead rat’s eye.”    “The month we couldn’t move because we were so weak with hunger.”    “The insects.”    “The sun that time.”    “When the kid peeked over the lip of the hole and then ran off and    never came back, he almost slipped and fell in also. The look in his    eyes, oh man!”    “Hallucinating for the entirety of 1999 that we were characters in a    classic Beach Boys song.”    “Let’s get serious now. The past ten years have been a hell of a    ride, bro. Good times.”    THINGS THIS CITY WAS BUILT ON BESIDES ROCK ’N’ ROLL    by Eric March    Navajo burial ground    Twelve billion tons of reinforced concrete and steel    Government-protected wetlands    Drunken dare    Waterlogged corpses of Irish immigrants    Previous bizarro underground version of this city    OTHER PLACES JIMMY BUFFETT WASTED AWAY    by Chris Steck    Slipperynippleberg    Jelloshootersdale    Bloodymarysfield    Jägermeisterplatz    Frozendaiquiriland    Cubalibretown    Boilermakerstad    NAMES THAT COULD POSSIBLY PASS FOR CRIES OF PASSION IF ACCIDENTALLY YELLED DURING SEX WITH ANYONE NOT SO NAMED    by Emily Lloyd    Aaliyah    Maura    Ewan    Osgood    Deepak    Uma    Ja Rule    Moe    NAMES GAS-STATION ATTENDANTS CALL ME THAT LEAVE ME FEELING OVERWHELMED    by Rob Eccles    Chief    Boss    GUIDE TO DETERMINE IF YOU ARE IN A JERRY BRUCKHEIMER MOVIE    by Peter W. Suderman    Your girlfriend is a waitress, but could be a model.    A bus explodes.    A psychopathic millionaire devises an elaborate plan to murder you or    someone you know . . .    . . . and you feel compelled to stop it.    You are Nicolas Cage.    Despite a total lack of training, you are able to shoot and fight with the accuracy and ability of a Special Forces soldier.    You are a cop or scientist, but could be a model.    A building explodes.    You are in a shoot-out on the streets of a major city . . . . . . and it involves helicopters and rocket launchers.    Everyone around you is a model.    Teams of well-trained henchmen are shooting at you, but they all miss.    You are engaged in a knock-down, drag-out brawl with the leader of a    major crime organization . . .    . . . in slow motion.    Everything that has not yet exploded explodes.    NOW PLAYING AT THE ZOMBIETOWN 12-SCREEN CINEPLEX    by John Moe    Breakfast of Tiffanys    My Dinner of Andre    Better Off Dead    A Beautiful Mind    Throw Momma from Her Brain    Footloose    Alive (two screens)    Ocean’s 11 with the Tops of Their Skulls Removed    ADJECTIVES RARELY USED BY WINE TASTERS    by Adam Koford    Chunky    Supercharged    Pondy    Wine-a-licious    Alcoholy    CURRENT FOOTBALL PLAYERS IF THEY DECIDED TO SPELL THEIR LAST NAME LIKE BRETT FAVRE    by Jason DeLorenzo    Drew Bledose    Ben Reothlibsegrer    Vinny Testavedre    Jerry Rcie    Chris Fuamtau-Ma’alfaa    Michael Vcik    Jamal Leiws    Willis MaGaehe    Laveranues Coels    Brett Farve    CINEMATIC EXPRESSIONS OF INNER SELF-LOATHING IF THERE WERE NO MIRRORS TO SMASH    by Ross Murray    Junkie jazz singer sees self in back of spoon; uses telekinetic    powers to bend it until it snaps in two.    Actress who clawed her way to the top catches reflection in pond;    uses nearby backhoe to drain pond.    Woman who married for wealth rather than love looks at photo on    driver’s license; goes to DMV to ask for new photo.    Politician who has forsaken his grassroots values discovers potato in    shape of own head; mashes it.    Burned-out rock star looks down at himself during out-of-body experience; refuses to go back in body “until we start seeing some changes around here, mister.”    Aging supermodel has plaster cast made of face; backs over it in SUV.    Alcoholic author looks at reflection in a tumbler of Scotch; drinks    Scotch; pours another to see if he looks any better in this one.    TWO BUGS ON DISPLAY AT THE MONTREAL INSECTARIUM, THE FIRST OF WHICH I THOUGHT VERY IMPRESSIVE UNTIL I SAW THE SECOND    by Dan Guterman    Centipede    Millipede    ALTERNATIVES TO “OPENING A CAN O’ WHUPASS” FOR THE LESS CONFRONTATIONALLY INCLINED    by Ian Carey    Unsnapping a Purse o’ Politeness    Decanting a Carafe o’ Contrition    Unzipping a Fanny Pack o’ Friendliness    Sipping a Demitasse o’ Diplomacy    Refrigerating the Tupperware o’ Temperance    Unscrewing a Thermos o’ Thoughtfulness    Gently Folding a Napkin o’ Negotiation    Checking the Date on a Carton o’ Caution    Serving an Aperitif o’ Avoidance    Lightly Greasing a Ramekin o’ Retreat    Applying a Beechwood Veneer to a Hutch o’ Hiding    Cleaning out a Drawer o’ Disappearance    PROPOSED NICKNAMES FOR THE TODAY SHOW’S MATT LAUER    by Dan Kennedy    Mr. Smuggy Pants    Smugly Grinning, Esq.    Smug-o    Rich Smugly, President, Above It All, Inc.    YOUR RECURRING DREAMS ABOUT UNICORNS EXPLAINED,1970S BASEBALL EDITION    by Carlton Doby    You have an unresolved financial conflict with former Red Sox pitcher    Dick Pole.    You are worried your father will die and your mother will marry    former Royals first baseman Pete LaCock.    You are concerned that former Rangers pitcher John Henry Johnson will    lose all his teeth.    You are jealous of your father and sister for monopolizing the    affections of former Tigers pitcher Woodie Fryman.    You are envious of former Astros third baseman Enos Cabell, although    why exactly is unclear.    POPULAR SONGS RENAMED ALONG THE LINES OF THE CATTLEMEN’S BEEF BOARD AD CAMPAIGN “BEEF, IT’S WHAT’S FOR DINNER”    by Geoff Smith    “Me, It’s What’s for Leaning On”    “Wu-Tang Clan, It’s What Ain’t Nothing Ta Fuck Wit’”    “Back, It’s What Baby Got”    “The House, It’s What’s Burning Down”    “Alles, It’s What California’s Über”    “The Street, It’s What’s for Dancing In”    “Penis, It’s What’s Detachable”    “Dead, It’s What Ed Is”    “The Dust, It’s What Another One Bites”    “The Bong, It’s What Hits Are From”    “U, It’s What I Would Die 4”    “London, It’s What’s Calling”    “Brooklyn, It’s What There’s No Sleep Till”    “The Volume, It’s What’s Pumped Up”    “Bigger, It’s What Some Girls Are Than Others”    EXCERPTS FROM AN ACTUAL 1970 VIETNAM-ERA NAVY-RECRUITMENT FILM TARGETING BLACK AMERICANS, NARRATED BY LOU RAWLS    by Angelo Young    “Of course, everybody has to go through boot camp . . .    you get checked in and you get threaded out.”    “Of course, you have to get the ol’ bod in shape, you know what I    mean? And you learn to swim—yeah, swim, man, you dig?”    “And, don’t forget, you’re getting paid all the time, you understand?”    “You don’t have to go alone. The navy has what they call the buddy    system. Where you and a friend from home can join the navy together.    And that’s a gas.”    MY FANTASY SPORTS ROSTERS    by John Moe    Football    QB: Steve McNair    RB: LaDainian Tomlinson    RB: Franco Harris    WR: Legolas    WR: Icarus    WR: Marvin Harrison    TE: Jaclyn Smith with a huge plate of bacon    DEF: Soviet Union, circa 1944    K: Pelé    Basketball    G: Dwyane Wade    G: Aldo Nova    F: A pony    F: Christian Laettner (Duke version only)    C: A 23-foot-compendium of Shawn Bradley, Manute Bol, and Gheorge    Muresan    Baseball    1B: Todd Helton    2B: That girl in college who, when I looked back on it, might have    been kind of into me    SS: Omar Vizquel    3B: A constantly regenerating pizza    OF: Ichiro Suzuki    OF: God    OF: Kid Rock    C: Thurman Munson living to a ripe old age    LHP: World peace    RHP: I become the lead singer of Led Zeppelin    QUESTIONS FROM THE FBI EMPLOYMENT APPLICATION MEANT TO FILTER OUT UNICORNS DISGUISED AS PEOPLE    by Wendy Molyneux    Would you describe yourself as unicorny?    I have:       A. One horn in the middle of my head.       B. No horns.    True or false: I am a unicorn.    LAST NAMES CLEARLY DERIVED FROM ANCESTRAL PROFESSIONS    by Sam Means    Carpenter    Smith    Tanner    Garbagemann    Baker    Secretaryvich    Hooper    Miller    Barber    Editorson    Dentisté    Mason    Taylor    Whoreberg    WHAT TO THINK ABOUT WHEN TWO ADULTS COME AND COMPLAIN TO YOU ABOUT HOW THEY CANNOT GET ALONG WITH EACH OTHER AT WORK    by Dave Best    Being in a spaceship    and no gravity    and coffee    and monkeys    and shit like that.","brand":"Vintage","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46302685331685,"sku":"NP9780307277206","price":16.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780307277206.jpg?v=1767733014","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/es\/products\/mountain-man-dance-moves-isbn-9780307277206","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}