{"product_id":"love-poems-for-people-with-children-isbn-9780593085240","title":"Love Poems for People with Children","description":"\u003cb\u003eIn the spirit of his wildly popular \u003ci\u003eNew Yorker\u003c\/i\u003e pieces and the \u003ci\u003eNew York Times\u003c\/i\u003e bestseller \u003ci\u003eLove Poems for Married People\u003c\/i\u003e, Thurber-prize winner John Kenney presents a hilarious new collection of poetry for people with children.\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWith the same brilliant wit and hilarious realism that made \u003ci\u003eLove Poems for Married People\u003c\/i\u003e such a hit, John Kenney is back with a brand new collection of poems, this time taking on the greatest \"joy\" in life: children. Kenney covers it all, from newborns, toddlers, and sleep deprivation, to the terrible twos, terrible tweens, and terrible teens. A parent's love is unconditional, but sometimes that button can't help but be pushed. Between back to school shopping, summer vacations that never end, the awkwardness of puberty, the inevitable post-college moving back in, and more, a parent's job is never done, whether they like it or not.\u003cb\u003eOne of \u003ci\u003eFredericksburg Free Lance Star\u003c\/i\u003e's Best Books of 2019 \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Packed full of laugh-out-loud poems that are all too relatable if you are married with kids—or just married.” \u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e–The Washington Post\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“[A] hilarious look into parenting.”\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003eTODAY \u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"Kenney's sweet, funny poems about the banal and everyday—too-true nods to the intimacy of sharing a bed with someone without touching at all, or the nothing-speak of corporate communication—make great presents for spouses, friends, and work wives.\" \u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e—Vanity Fair\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Often profound, often hilarious, Kenney captures what it's like to raise a human being from the ground up.”\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003eCleveland Scene\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“[\u003ci\u003eLove Poems for People with Children\u003c\/i\u003e] will be immediately relatable to all parents and a much needed laugh. So the next time you're hiding out in a public restroom, like the subject in one of the poems, give this book a read.”\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003eParkersburg News \u0026amp; Sentinel\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“Perfect as a stocking stuffer for that soon-to-be-parent or the already-a-parent-I-never-realized-how-good-my-hair-looked-unshowered-for-four-days on your holiday list....These little gems make life glow a little brighter.”\u003cb\u003e—\u003ci\u003eFredericksburg Free Lance Star\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cb\u003eJohn Kenney\u003c\/b\u003e is the \u003ci\u003eNew York Times \u003c\/i\u003ebestselling author of the humorous poetry collection \u003ci\u003eLove Poems for Married People\u003c\/i\u003e, and the novels \u003ci\u003eTalk to Me \u003c\/i\u003eand \u003ci\u003eTruth in Advertising\u003c\/i\u003e, which won the Thurber Prize for American Humor. He has worked for many years as a copywriter. He has also been a contributor to \u003ci\u003eThe New Yorker \u003c\/i\u003emagazine since 1999. He lives in Brooklyn, New York.\u003cp\u003eMy six-year-old got hold of my phone\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy apologies, Reverend.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy six-year-old\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003egot hold\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof my phone\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand sent you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e142\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003epoop emojis.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePlease know\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat this in no way\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ereflects my opinion of you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eor the Church.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e(Although it does make me wonder if there is a god.)\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTo my father-in-law, Lou.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo grandparent should ever receive\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ea GIF of Fabio not wearing pants\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003edancing suggestively\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewith the words\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLet's get it on!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI was sure I had deleted that.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTo my boss, Gary.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDid you happen to receive a photo\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof a baboon's ass\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewith a note reading\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFound this picture of you?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI sent that one.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIf there were a job interview to have children\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe interviewer might say\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI see here that you want children.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd you might say, Yes! I'm ready.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGreat. Are you happy in your marriage?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eVery. My wife is amazing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGood for you. Just a couple of questions. When's the last time you went to hear live music?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTwo weeks ago. Last-minute thing. Saw a jazz band.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLast time on a plane?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eParis, I think. Yes. We went to Paris for four days.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDid you sleep on the plane?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYes. It was an overnight flight.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDid anyone throw up on you at any time?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo. Of course not. Why?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDid anyone on the plane wake you suddenly by screaming in your face?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat? No.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMay I ask about the frequency of your sex life?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAverage, I guess. Five or six times a week.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHow wonderful. I'd like you to take this paper from me. Do you feel anything?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat the hell . . . what is this? It's sticky and it smells.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDo you like that feeling?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDon't be alarmed but I am now going to pour this large glass of orange juice on your pant leg.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eJesus Christ! I can't believe you just did that.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI'm going to make a very loud, annoying noise in your ear. Tell me if you enjoy it. Ahhhhhhh!!!!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat the hell is wrong with you, man?!!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMister Simpson, I have some bad news for you.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWho will be the first to get up?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e3:42 a.m. and the baby is crying.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAgain.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWho will get up first?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI know that you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eknow that I\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eam not asleep.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI'm just faking.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut I also know\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat you know\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat I know\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat you are faking.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBecause like me\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eyou have developed the qualities\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof an Academy Award-nominated\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003efake sleeper.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWho will break?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd then you say\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIf you get up, I'll show you my boobs.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDone.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eQuiet time\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLate now and light low.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eStories read, time for bed.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDad, you whisper, why do sumo wrestlers wear diapers?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo one knows, buddy. Shhh.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhy does the emperor stand behind the catcher?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eUmpire, pal. Not emperor. Shhh.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat happened to the boy who cried wolf?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHe grew up and works in real estate. Go to sleep.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSleep finally comes.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFor me\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebriefly.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI wake with a start\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003emove like a cat\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ehead to the door.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWine time.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDad?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e(Shit! Dammit! Little bastard!)\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYes, buddy?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn \"Rock-a-bye Baby,\" why is the baby on top of a tree?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBecause he wouldn't go to sleep.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe baby fell out of the tree?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHe did, yes.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd the cradle fell, too?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe whole thing. Crashed to the ground. I won't lie, it was bad.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhy do we sing that?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBecause it teaches us an important lesson.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat's the lesson?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBe quiet or we put you in a tree. Shhh.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy breast-feeding breasts\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI know that to you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eit might seem like it\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewould be fun for me\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eto have my\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eboobs squeezed\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eas I unpack the groceries.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's not, though.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI'm not feeling sexy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd they're sore\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand full of milk\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003efor our baby.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAlso\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLook at those jugs\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eis not what I want to hear\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003efrom you right now. (Ever?)\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd may I add\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat there is a time\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand a place to touch them.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd that time was not\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eat your uncle's wake last week.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat if I\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ejust walked up to you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand squeezed your penis?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOh. That was not the answer I was expecting.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThere isn't a chance in hell we're having sex now, is there?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou have a look on your face\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eas you get into bed.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, I assume you have a look on your face\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eas I can't quite see your face\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebecause you haven't looked at me for a while.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEver since we argued.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThere were two sides, of course.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFine. Maybe just the one side.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd maybe I wasn't on it.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd maybe I haven't apologized yet\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebecause I have the emotional intelligence\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof a can of gravy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e(Your words, but not wrong.)\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut now you are in your\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eunderwear and a T-shirt.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd while I can't see your face\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI can see your butt\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhich looks very nice to me.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI assume that my ability to see your butt\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eis a signal from you to me\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat all is forgiven\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand that you want to have sex.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut it turns out it's not a signal at all.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's just my ability to see.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDid I mention I'm sorry? I say\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eattempting to touch your non-signaling butt.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDon't even, you say\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eswatting my hand away.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eVery good then.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSignal received.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLabor pain\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAfter the epidural\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eyou managed to nap\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ein the delivery room.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd I watched you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003emy lovely wife\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003esmiling at the thought of our child\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebut also a little hungry.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDid you pack a sandwich or anything?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI whispered to you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eshaking your arm a bit\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhen you didn't respond.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo what I did was-\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebecause I didn't want to bother you anymore-\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI went across the street\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eto grab a quick burger and a beer.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI decided to sit at the bar\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebecause I was kind of tired too.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMaybe I was just hungry\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebut it was a really good burger.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo then I had a second beer\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand got to chatting with the bartender.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHe was the one who suggested\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat maybe I should get back to the hospital\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhen he found out what was going on.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e(Great guy.)\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd while I wasn't technically in the room with you\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhen our son was born\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI was certainly there in spirit.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWe should all go back to that bar sometime.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI am going to count to three\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI mean it, young lady.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou do NOT want me to count to three.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e1 . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e2 . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDammit.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eShe's not budging.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat does one do after three?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGo to four?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHas anyone ever gone to four?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat is the protocol on four?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIs it possible to go to five?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTo ten?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat happens at 100?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat's the punishment there?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eA supermax prison in Colorado?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI'm going to give you a second chance.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDo what I asked and put your things away.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePut your backpack away.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eClean up your crayons?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat are you willing to do?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWatch Doc McStuffins?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDeal.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePrivacy please\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAs I sit on the toilet\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethe door opens.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThere you stand\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ealmost two years old.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHi Dad!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eyou say.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHi sweetie\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI respond.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAre you going to the bathroom?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eyou ask.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSure am, I say.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut I need some privacy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eClose the door please.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd you do.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFrom the inside.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo, Dad, you ask.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat should we talk about?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI am fully aware that the wheels on the bus go round and round\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI get it.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI know about the wheels and the horn and the babies.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEveryone knows that.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHere's something you might not know.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe daddy on this bus is thinking\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is not what I signed up for.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd maybe the driver on the bus\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eis thinking the exact same thing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMaybe he looks over at the daddy\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand he doesn't go Move on back.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMaybe instead he nods and smiles.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd the daddy nods and smiles.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd the driver hits the gas\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand goes zoom, zoom, zoom\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eso fast that the mommies on the bus say\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eJesus Christ almighty, slow down!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd the driver screeches to a halt at the corner\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebecause he sees a sign for a bar called \"Open at 9 a.m.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand he and the daddy get off the bus and go into the bar.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eCall an Uber\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ebecause this bus is out of service.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSing that verse, why don't you.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe talk\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, son.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHere we are\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ein the car\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003edriving to Costco\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003efor a fifty-pack of paper towels.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou're ten years old now.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWow.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI'm eleven, Dad, you say.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhy are we going the long way?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd why are you smoking?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGreat questions.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut here's a question for you.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou know your penis, right?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWait. What?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eyou ask, staring at me.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSon, let's say a man has a penis and that penis . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDad. Is this a math problem?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLike: if a train leaves Chicago at nine a.m. . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNope. Not a math problem.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's a penis problem.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, not a problem per se.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou see, a woman has a vagina.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd the penis and vagina say hello.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHa! A talking penis!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGlen at school does a talking penis thing with his lunch box.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eForget Glen for a minute.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhen a man and a woman love each other . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAre you and Mom getting a divorce?!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo no. God no. Your mother likes me very much.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo, I'm talking here about . . . well . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLovemaking.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIntercourse . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOh. Glen says you need a boner first.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, Glen is spot-on there.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eCome to think of it\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003emaybe just talk to Glen.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBarney died, sweetheart\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's sad, I know.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHow did he die?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, Barney was old.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd you know how dinosaurs are extinct?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eExtinct means you no longer deserve to live.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThat's just a rough definition\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof course.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnyway he was the last dinosaur.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd now he's gone.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd here's a funny story about Caillou.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHe went on vacation.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eForever.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou know how we go on vacation\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eto your grandmother's\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003efor one agonizing week?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI mean wonderful week?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, it's like that.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOnly the food is probably better.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOh. And I saw on the news recently that\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePaw Patrol went on their last mission.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eApparently they retired.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd the Bubble Guppies moved to Phoenix.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd Dora . . . poor Dora went a little too far exploring.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLook, sweetheart. The Bourne Identity is on.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou'll like this.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat you call sex I call a wonderful time to make a mental list\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIs this good? you ask.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's very pleasant, I respond, distracted,\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eimmediately regretting the word \"pleasant.\"\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePleasant? you say, confused and hurt.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSorry, I meant amazing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat are you thinking about? you ask, trying to be sexy.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou, I lie.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOf course you. And . . . lots of . . . sexy things . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLike the fact that we need milk.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd paper towels.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd glancing over at the windows\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI notice that they need to be washed.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd I forgot to call my sister back.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOh, and my shoes at the cobbler.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e\"Cobbler\" is a funny word.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eCobbler.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eExcept I say cobbler out loud.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd you say\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOh yeah. You're my dirty little peach cobbler, aren't you?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSure, whatever.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI'm not.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut thank you for reminding me\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat I need to go to the farmer's market.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBaby wipes\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIf you had told me\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ein my twenties\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat I would do this,\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI wouldn't believe you.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut this morning,\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethe baby's poop\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eshot out like a cannonball\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand some of it landed in my hair.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWell, I was pretty tired\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand I guess too lazy\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eto shower.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd I was late for work.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSo what I did\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewas take a baby wipe\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand clean it out of my hair.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMost of it, anyway.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThen I went on with my day.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eFamily vacation\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis is relaxing\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI think to myself\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eon the first day\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof our vacation\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eas I hide\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ein the men's room\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof a Roy Rogers\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eat a rest stop\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ejust off bumper-to-bumper I-95\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhile the kids\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003econtinue fighting\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewith tennis racquets\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ein the back seat.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd only five more hours to go.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI don't want to leave this place\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI whisper aloud.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNeither do I\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003esays the man in the next stall.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eInterpreting your preschool artwork\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI made this for you, Mommy!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHoney. It . . . is . . . a-MAZ-ing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eBut you're not looking. You're looking at your phone.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eSorry, honey. I see it now.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGuess what it is!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOh my! Well I think it's pretty obvious . . .\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's a duck on a plane!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo it isn't!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eOh. Well . . . is it a farmer . . . and a little round pig who might also be a beach ball?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNoooo!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAhhh . . . a dog holding a lottery ticket?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMom!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThis part looks like a prison yard . . . Is it a prison . . . in the moonlight?\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMommy!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTell me.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIt's a stick eating a grape!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eGood job, sweetie.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eLet's put it in the big pile\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eby the fireplace\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhere all of Mommy's\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003especial papers go.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWeekend breakfast with the family\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI was up early on Sunday\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand did two loads of laundry\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand made a shopping list\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003efor the week\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand then made eggs and pancakes\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003efor everyone.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy children hugged me.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHow lovely.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou're Mrs. Squishy Butt\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003emy daughter said\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003esqueezing my butt\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003elaughing.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy son and husband laughed too.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou are, Mom!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYour butt is so squishy!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou have the squishiest butt in the whole house!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eEveryone kept laughing\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand saying I had\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ea squishy butt.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eWhat fun!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eExcept I guess I was a bit tired.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe weekends can be long.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd maybe I don't go to the gym\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eas much as I should.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou all stopped laughing though\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhen I threw the bowl\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof pancake batter\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003einto the sink\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand shouted\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou can all go straight to hell!\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI may have overreacted.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe heat between us\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIn the kitchen\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eafter the babies are down\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewe are finally alone.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou in your baggy sweatpants\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003estained fleece\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand old socks.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI sense your sexuality.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eIf I squint.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI am so turned on\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI hear you say\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethrough a mouthful\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eof cold mac and cheese\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003espooned directly from a saucepan.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eTired.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eYou said I am so tired.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eMy bad.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI lean in to kiss your neck\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eand am hit with a powerful scent\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ethat forces me back.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNew shampoo? I ask.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eNo. I think that's spit-up.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eI feel the heat between us.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eAnd that heat is the front burner\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewhich I left on by mistake.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e3:32 a.m. and I am sure the infant is taunting me\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eThe Navy SEALs do a thing\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eso I have heard.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eHell Week.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eDays and nights\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ewith almost no sleep.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003ePushed to their limit.\u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\u003cp\u003eExcept it only lasts five days.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"G.P. 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