{"product_id":"dave-barry-turns-fifty-isbn-9780345431691","title":"Dave Barry Turns Fifty","description":"From the Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist comes a celebration of the aging process. Not just Dave's, but that of the whole Baby Boom Generation--those millions of us who set a standard for whining self-absorption that will never be equaled, and who gave birth to such stunning accomplishments as Saturday Night Live!, the New Age movement, and call waiting. Here Dave pinpoints the glaring signs that you've passed the half-century mark:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e- You are suddenly unable to read anything written in letters smaller than Marlon Brando.\u003cbr\u003e- You have accepted the fact that you can't possibly be hip. You don't even know if \"hip\" is the right word for hip anymore, and you don't care.\u003cbr\u003e- You remember nuclear-attack drills at school wherein you practiced protecting yourself by crouching under your desk, which was apparently made out of some kind of atomic-bomb-proof wood.\u003cbr\u003e- You can't name the secretary of defense, but you can still sing the Mister Clean song.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo pop open a can of Geritol®, kick back in that recliner, grab those reading glasses, and let the good times roll--before they roll right over you!\"Quoting Barry is like eating peanuts. . . . once you get started it's awfully hard to stop.\"\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e—The Washington Post\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"RIOTOUS . . . [Barry] can find the humor in pretty much anything. And . . . he does not intend to go even slightly gently into that good night.\"\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e—San Francisco Examiner\u003c\/b\u003e\u003c\/i\u003eFrom 1983 to 2004, \u003cb\u003eDave Barry\u003c\/b\u003e wrote a weekly humor column for \u003ci\u003eThe Miami Herald\u003c\/i\u003e, which in 1988 won a Pulitzer Prize for Commentary. He is the author of more than thirty books, including such bestsellers as the nonfiction \u003ci\u003eLive Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer Is Much Faster)\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eYou Can Date Boys When You're Forty\u003c\/i\u003e, and \u003ci\u003eI'll Mature When I'm Dead\u003c\/i\u003e; the novels \u003ci\u003eBig Trouble\u003c\/i\u003e, \u003ci\u003eTricky Business\u003c\/i\u003e, and \u003ci\u003eInsane City\u003c\/i\u003e; the very successful YA Peter Pan novels (with Ridley Pearson); and his Christmas story \u003ci\u003eThe Shepherd, the Angel, and Walter the Christmas Miracle Dog\u003c\/i\u003e. Two of his books—\u003ci\u003eBig Trouble\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eDave Barry's Guide to Guys\u003c\/i\u003e—have been turned into movies. For a while, his life was even a television series, \u003ci\u003eDave's World\u003c\/i\u003e, but then it was canceled. The series. Not the life. For many years, Dave was also a guitarist with the late, infamous, and strangely unlamented band the Rock Bottom Remainders.\u003cb\u003eIntroduction\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eIt's Great to Be 50!\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003eRight. And Herbert Hoover was a rap singer.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI am NOT going to whine.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYes, I have turned 50.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYes, this is an age that I used to consider old. Not middle-aged, like Dick Van Dyke and Mary Tyler Moore in \u003ci\u003eThe Dick Van Dyke Show;\u003c\/i\u003e but actually \u003ci\u003eold,\u003c\/i\u003e like Walter Brennan as Granpappy Amos in \u003ci\u003eThe Real McCoys,\u003c\/i\u003e gimping around cluelessly in a pair of bib overalls and saying things like \"Con-SARN it!\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut I do not choose to dwell on the negative. I choose to be an optimist, like the great explorer Christopher Columbus, who had a dream that he could sail a ship all the way across the Atlantic Ocean. People said he was crazy, but Columbus did not know the meaning of the word \"discouragement.\" (He also did not know the meaning of \"nostril\" or \"weasel,\" because he spoke Italian.)\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd so Columbus boldly set out and discovered the New World, and then he went back to Europe, where he died in obscurity at age 55, which is \u003ci\u003eonly five years older than I am right now!\u003c\/i\u003e OH GOD! MY LIFE IS OVER!!!\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eNo, scratch that. I really \u003ci\u003eam\u003c\/i\u003e going to be positive in this book, instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of turning 50, such as that you get wrinkled and forgetful and achy, and you gain weight merely by watching food commercials, and the warranties are expiring on all your remaining teeth and internal organs, and your idea of a big night is to stay up late enough to see the \u003ci\u003epreviews\u003c\/i\u003e for Letterman, whose actual show you have not watched since the Reagan administration.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eI am not going to dwell on those things, nor am I going to mention the fact that when you get to this age, you discover random hairs sprouting from unexpected sectors of your body, so that, in addition to all the other little maintenance tasks you've always performed each day, you find yourself asking questions like: \u003ci\u003eDid I remember to pluck my ears?\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAnd I am not going to even mention the word \"prostate.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eInstead, I'm going to talk about the \u003ci\u003egood\u003c\/i\u003e things that happen to you when you turn 50, such as . . .\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eOkay, give me a minute here . . . \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAll right, here's one: You can't read anything. At least I can't. Actually, this started happening to me when I was 48; I started noticing that when I tried to read restaurant menus, they looked like this:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eEntrees\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBroasted free-range fennel shootlets with modules of prawns — $19\u003cbr\u003ePecan-encrusted apricot-glazed garlic-enhanced shank of frog — $27\u003cbr\u003eLiver \"en Fester\" dans une bunche de creme de corne — $21\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAt first I thought that this had nothing to do with me—that, for some reason, possibly to save ink, the restaurants had started printing their menus in letters the height of bacteria; all I could see was little blurs. But for some reason, everybody else seemed to be able to read the menus. Not wishing to draw attention to myself, I started ordering my food by simply pointing to a likely looking blur.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eME (pointing to a blur):\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e I'll have this.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eWAITER:\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e You'll have \"We Do Not Accept Personal Checks\"?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eME:\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e Make that medium rare.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003ePretty soon I started noticing that everything I tried to read--newspapers, books, nasal-spray instructions, the United States Constitution--had been changed to the bacteria-letter format. I also discovered that, contrary to common sense, I \u003ci\u003ecould\u003c\/i\u003e read these letters if I got \u003ci\u003efarther away\u003c\/i\u003e from them. So for a while I dealt with the situation by ordering off the menus of people sitting at other tables.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"I'd like to order some dessert,\" I'd tell the waiter. \"Please bring a menu to the people at that table over there and ask them to hold it up so I can see it.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eEventually I had to break down and buy those reading glasses that are cut low so you can peer over the top. The first time you put on a pair of those is a major milestone in your life. Because there is no question about it: This is the start of your Senior Citizenship. The transformation is comparable to the one Clark Kent goes through: He takes \u003ci\u003eoff\u003c\/i\u003e his glasses and becomes Superman; you put \u003ci\u003eon\u003c\/i\u003e your reading glasses and become . . . Old Person.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eYou find that with your reading glasses on you behave differently. You become crotchety and easily irritated by little things, such as when the supermarket runs out of your preferred brand of low-fat, low-sodium, vitamin-fortified, calcium-enriched, high-fiber, non-meat \"breakfast links\" made from tofu and compressed cardboard. You become angry at the radio because it keeps playing songs you hate, which is a LOT of songs, because you basically hate every song written since the Beatles broke up, and you're sick of the Beatles, too, because you've heard every one of their songs 900 million times on \"oldies\" radio, which is all you've listened to for over twenty years. You feel that everybody except you drives too fast. You think of people under the age of 30 as \"whippersnappers,\" and you get the urge to peer over your glasses at them and tell them how tough things were during the Great Depression, even though you personally were born in 1947. Sometimes you are tempted to say, \"Con-SARN it!\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSo, to avoid transforming into Old Person, you tend to wear your reading glasses as little as possible. You lose them. You go out without them. The result is, much of the time, you can't read anything printed in letters smaller than Marlon Brando.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut what I've discovered-this is the positive aspect of aging that I've been driving at--is that very often not being able to read is a \u003ci\u003egood thing.\u003c\/i\u003e For example, without my reading glasses, the only part of the newspaper I can read is the headlines, so my front page looks like this:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eFIGHTING ERUPTS YET AGAIN IN MIDDLE EAST\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eHistoric Peace Accord No. 2,965,978 Goes Down the Crapper\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eSOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM COLLAPSING \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e You, Personally, Will Never Get a Cent HAHAHAHAHAHA\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eSTUDY: EGGPLANT CAUSES CANCER \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e Same Study Also Shows That Lack of Eggplant Causes Cancer \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e GIANT ASTEROID WILL SMASH EARTH TODAY; HUMAN RACE DOOMED\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eProfessional Baseball Players Strike for Higher Salaries \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut seriously, I really have absolutely nothing to tell you here, unless you want me to solve some mysteries that have totally baffled the human race, such as what is the true meaning of life, and whether there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe and which, really, is the best long-distance carrier for you. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eSee what I mean? I don't \u003ci\u003ewant\u003c\/i\u003e to read those stories. I'm \u003ci\u003eglad\u003c\/i\u003e they're written in bacteria letters. This is also how I feel about the long, scary Consumer Advisories that appear on virtually every product I buy, advising me how potentially deadly it is, like this:\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eWARNING:\u003c\/b\u003e Use of this product may cause nausea, insomnia, euphoria, déjà vu, menopause, tax audits, demonic possession, lung flukes, eyeball worms, decapitation, and mudslides. We would not even dare to sell this product if we did not have a huge, carnivorous legal department that could squash you in court like a baby mouse under a sledgehammer. We frankly cannot believe that you were so stupid as to purchase this product. Your only hope is to set this product down very gently, back slowly away from it, then turn and sprint from your home, never to return.","brand":"Ballantine Books","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46299837563109,"sku":"NP9780345431691","price":18.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780345431691.jpg?v=1767724757","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/es\/products\/dave-barry-turns-fifty-isbn-9780345431691","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}