{"product_id":"changeable-isbn-9780143129011","title":"Changeable","description":"“An empowering read.”\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e--Susan David, Ph.D., author of \u003ci\u003eEmotional Agility\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e \u003cbr\u003e“\u003c\/i\u003eA great book.”\u003cb\u003e\u003cbr\u003e--Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., co-author of \u003ci\u003eWhat Happened to You?\u003c\/i\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eAs featured on The Mel Robbins Show—discover the surprising science of helping anyone change\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eWhether as a parent, a boss, a romantic partner, or on your own journey toward personal growth, you know how hard it is to change problem behavior. Conventional methods like willpower, punishment, and strict discipline often backfire, creating a downward spiral of resentment and frustration, while the problem goes unsolved. \u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBut what if the thinking behind “tough love” is wrong? What if people don’t misbehave because they want to, but because they lack the skills to do better? Or as renowned psychologist J. Stuart Ablon asks, what if changing problem behavior is a matter of \u003ci\u003eskill, not will\u003c\/i\u003e?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003eBased on more than twenty-five years of clinical work with at-risk teens as well as training parents, teachers, counselors and law enforcement, and supported by research in the neuroscience of conflict resolution, \u003ci\u003eChangeable\u003c\/i\u003e presents an empowering new way of thinking about changing unwanted behavior—Collaborative Problem Solving—that builds empathy and connection, helps others reach their full potential, and actually gets results.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003ePresenting remarkable success stories and actionable insights, \u003ci\u003eChangeable\u003c\/i\u003e gives parents, educators, managers, and change-makers of all stripes a simple roadmap for helping people grow.“Reaching our full potential requires opening ourselves up to change—even when it’s uncomfortable and scary, or seems impossible. The insights in this engaging book shed light on the real obstacles to change, and how we can overcome them – in ourselves and others. An empowering read.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Susan David, PhD, bestselling author of \u003c\/b\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003eEmotional Agility\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Changeable\u003c\/i\u003e is a great book. Dr. Ablon addresses the most challenging aspect of human interaction – how to engage with another person to effectively help them change. This is the key task of a parent, coach, teacher, supervisor, therapist – just about any human-to-human interaction involves change. The clear and compelling way that Dr. Ablon outlines the Collaborative Problem Solving process will be a revelation. Using the principles outlined in \u003ci\u003eChangeable\u003c\/i\u003e will shift the way you understand and interact with others--and the impact may just change \u003ci\u003eyour \u003c\/i\u003elife.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D., Senior Fellow, The ChildTrauma Academy, and bestselling author of \u003ci\u003eThe Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Each of us has the potential to learn new skills, regardless of how we’ve been labeled or judged by others. In this empowering book, Stuart Ablon shows how helping others work past their struggles to learn and grow can yield powerful results.”\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Scott Barry Kaufman, Ph.D., author of \u003ci\u003eTranscend\u003c\/i\u003e and \u003ci\u003eRise Above\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e“We’ve trained thousands of our staff in states across the country to use the Collaborative Problem Solving model as a way to reach children with the most severe emotional and behavioral problems--children who were simply unreachable before. It’s a clinical approach and parenting model, but we’ve also found the ideas and proven strategies of CPS can be applied anywhere there is a need to develop and grow people in a way that enhances skills. CPS has become an important staff development tool in addition to serving as one of our primary clinical approaches for helping thousands of children and families each year.”\u003cb\u003e\u003ci\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/i\u003e--Patrick W. Lawler, CEO of Youth Villages\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e“Dr. Ablon has provided us with a clear and compelling roadmap of how to employ the Collaborative Problem Solving method, which will help parents, teachers, and clinicians to work with, not against, our children in crafting individualized strategies to encourage positive emotional and cognitive development while decreasing disruptive behavior. Thank you, Dr. Ablon, for this highly valuable contribution!”\u003cbr\u003e--\u003cb\u003eJess P. Shatkin, MD, MPH, \u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003eProfessor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Pediatrics, NYU School of Medicine, and author of \u003ci\u003eBorn to Be Wild\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\"\u003ci\u003eChangeable i\u003c\/i\u003es a hopeful, accessible and essential book about the infinite power of human beings to change. I wish I could put this book in the hands of everyone who is struggling with how to help someone with their behavior.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e--Vanessa Diffenbaugh, author of \u003ci\u003eThe Language of Flowers\u003c\/i\u003e\u003c\/b\u003eJ Stuart Ablon, Ph.D., is the Director of Think:Kids in the Department of Psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital and an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology in the Department of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.  He is a sought-after speaker at conferences and institutions worldwide addressing tens of thousands of people each year.\u003cb\u003eChapter One\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e People Do Well If They Can\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As a clinical psychologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, I've      treated a lot of challenging children and adults-pretty much every      variety of dysfunction, disorder, and misbehavior. When it comes      to children, some of my favorite to treat are what I call      inflexible kids. These kids can be extremely bright and high      functioning in many ways. They have an almost uncanny ability to      learn and memorize new information-it just seems to burn into      their brains. But information retention is also the root cause of      their difficulty. Because the cognitive associations they form are      so strong, they can't be altered very easily. Once these kids      experience something, that's it: A template forms, and they have a      hard time adapting to even slight deviations. The inflexible kids      I see glom on to structure, routine, and predictability. They must      go to their restaurant, dress the way they're used to, sit in      class where they've always sat. When life doesn't happen as they      expect, they can't handle it. I call them \"need to know\" kids, as      opposed to \"go with the flow\" kids. They perceive the world as      black or white, good or bad, their way or no way, and nothing in      between.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e One inflexible kid I treated, eleven-year-old Susan, was an      all-American girl who loved to play hockey and sent me pictures of      her team every season. Susan's parents described her as strong      willed, capable, and very intelligent, a great kid in most      respects. She'd never had serious behavioral problems before. As      Susan's mother told me, \"About 85 percent of the time, she's a      rock star. She's queen of the monkey bars, a strong swimmer and      skier, a great gymnast, and a great hockey player.\" During the      other 15 percent, Susan fell into fits of anger. \"It's like a      switch gets flicked,\" her father told me. \"She'll yell at her      sister or hit her. Does the same with her mom. She'll scream, 'I      hate you; you're not the boss of me! You can't make me! Don't look      at me! Don't touch me!'\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As bad as these tantrums might sound, in the world of challenging      behavior, they're pretty minor. Susan wasn't violent. She didn't      harm herself or others. She was coping well enough at school.      Frankly, she didn't seem that hard of a case.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e For the first several weeks of working together, we made progress      in helping her parents understand how she was wired and how this      wiring led to some of her challenging behavior. Susan seemed to      enjoy coming to our sessions, and we forged a strong therapeutic      relationship. It helped that her parents loved her and were bent      on doing whatever it took to help their daughter.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Then on Susan's first day of middle school, her parents called and      said they needed to see me-Susan was in crisis. I was able to fit      her in that day, right after lunch. But that wasn't soon enough. I      was out grabbing a bite when I received a frantic text from my      office: \"Your one p.m. appointment is here. They need you!\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e I ran back to the office to find Susan in hysterics. Her father      was physically restraining her, and her mother was holding her      shoes. As her mother told me, she had taken them so that Susan      wouldn't launch herself through a plate-glass door and run away.      \"Susan, what happened?\" I asked. She refused to speak to me. This      was unlike her. We had developed such a solid relationship.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e It took a good twenty minutes, but we managed to calm her using      techniques I'll describe later in this book for dealing with      people in crisis. Susan still wouldn't speak, but she would write      words and phrases down on pieces of paper. Meanwhile, her parents      relayed what had happened. Susan didn't want to go to school, and      her parents had been trying to force her. Even her beloved      grandfather couldn't manage to coax her into going. She had run      away, and when she was brought back home, she said she wanted to      kill herself. This was entirely out of character. She might have      always had minor anger issues, but she never exhibited any      explosive or suicidal behavior before. What could possibly be      going on here?\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e It turned out that at overnight camp a few weeks earlier, Susan      had suffered severe migraines and wasn't able to reach her parents      by phone. The experience traumatized her. Now, as Susan confirmed      through the phrases she was writing, she didn't want to go to      school because she was deathly afraid she would get another      migraine and not know whom to go to or what to do. She feared she      would freak out as she had at camp, and the other students would      stare at her and think something was wrong with her.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e When I uncovered these concerns, they made perfect sense. As her      parents and I had discovered, Susan struggled with cognitive      skills related to flexibility. She needed more routine, planning,      and predictability than other kids, and when these elements were      lacking, she ran into trouble. Like other inflexible kids, Susan      especially struggled with transitional situations in which      existing templates didn't apply and she was forced to adapt to new      conditions. Attending middle school for the first time was such a      situation, and it made sense that Susan would have trouble with      it. Everything in middle school was different from what Susan was      used to: the kids, the lockers, the schedule, the teachers, the      building itself-everything. If she got a migraine, she wouldn't      know what to do. She had no template, no plan to follow. Susan got      so upset and anxious that she didn't know how to express her      feelings to her parents. All she could do was lash out. And her      parents, who would otherwise have jumped to help her, didn't know      what to do.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e For many years, Susan's parents had interpreted her temper      tantrums as a technique she used to get her way. Most parents      would probably have come to a similar conclusion. Like Susan's      parents, they would have dealt with Susan's behavior by punishing      her, setting boundaries, and \"teaching her a lesson.\" But in this      instance, Susan clearly wasn't being difficult because she wanted      to be. Her anxieties about a brand-new school and the possibility      of getting a migraine there tied into her cognitive makeup, and      the more her family tried to force her to go to school, the more      explosive she became. Her well-intentioned parents were trying to      force their inflexible child to do something she wasn't capable of      doing. And that inflexible child, lacking the cognitive skills to      deal with the situation and come up with a solution, did the only      thing she could. She acted out.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e Get Out of Line, Do the Time\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Our society has an entrenched way of thinking about behavior. We      almost always assume it derives from a person's will-that people      behave consciously and purposefully. When people misbehave, we      likewise assume that they're doing it intentionally. As a result,      whenever individuals in almost any social setting act out or      misbehave, those in charge usually respond by punishing the bad      behavior. When you were a kid, did your parents take away your TV      time or allowance when you misbehaved? Most did. When you      continued to misbehave, they probably just stepped up the      intensity of the consequences and rewards. And they probably also      bestowed privileges when you did the right thing.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e School discipline is similar. We assume that when kids misbehave      in school, they do it on purpose either to get stuff (special      attention, for instance) or get out of stuff (like doing their      work or coming inside after recess). In the early school years,      teachers punish kids with time-outs. They are taught that kids      will use the time away from their peers to reflect on what they      did wrong, and that they will feel badly enough at missing out and      having been punished that they will want to behave better next      time. As kids grow older, schools hand out detentions and      suspensions that likewise isolate the offenders and are supposed      to teach them a lesson. Statistically, these are the most common      punishments in U.S. schools, and I should add that they are also      levied disproportionately on kids with disabilities and those of      color. All along in our educational system, we assume that people      misbehave deliberately, and that reforming behavior means simply      providing the right motivation.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e When kids really act out and become uncontrollable, we remove them      from mainstream schools and put them into therapeutic schools or      treatment centers, and, eventually, juvenile detention facilities.      Later, we lock them away in adult prisons (I'll have more to say      about this progression, which has been called the      \"school-to-prison pipeline\"). These institutions also usually      operate according to principles of punishment and reward. In some      states, the law mandates very specific punishments for offenses by      inmates at detention centers. In some facilities where I have      worked, for instance, lying to staff, arguing when given      instructions, or disrespecting others can result in punishments      like loss of privileges, early bedtimes, time-outs, and extra work      assignments. Staff can reward good behavior by bestowing extra      privileges such as more TV time, more time playing sports, and      later bedtimes. Serious offenses, like possessing weapons or      threatening staff, can prompt more serious punishments, like      placement in a restricted program or even transfer to a different      facility.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e The treatment patients receive at most psychiatric hospitals is      similarly organized. Virtually all psychiatric hospital care in      the United States takes place within structured systems of      discipline called point and level systems, token economy systems,      or contingency management systems. The institution marks progress      in treatment by defining different levels that patients can      attain. Behave well, and you bump up to higher levels, receiving      more privileges (TV time, movies, special meals, home visits, and      so on). When you sustain the highest level long enough, the      institution will discharge you. But if you behave poorly, you      slide down to lower levels, losing privileges. We assume that this      carrot-and-stick approach will motivate people with psychiatric      illnesses to behave better. Implicit in this assumption is that      they've lacked the willpower in the past to behave well. People      misbehave, we think, because they want to.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e These practices, however, aren't reserved for people with serious      emotional and behavioral disorders. Companies, governments, and      entire countries deploy this approach to discipline in an attempt      to shape behavior. Did you land a big client or make your numbers?      Your boss may give you a bonus or promote you. Did you fail to      follow protocol or get another unsatisfactory performance review?      Your boss may place you on probation, demote you, or even fire      you. Governments try to encourage \"good\" behavior (like going to      college or saving for retirement) by offering rewards such as tax      incentives. They discourage \"bad\" behavior (like polluting or      violating workplace regulations) by levying higher taxes, slapping      on fines, or providing for civil lawsuits. In foreign policy, we      place sanctions on countries that flout international law, and we      reward countries for good behavior by lifting sanctions, giving      them privileged trading arrangements, and offering their leaders      photo-op meetings with our president.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e We persist in assuming that if we institute proper consequences,      teaching offenders the benefits of behaving well and the costs of      misbehaving, they will make better choices and mend their ways. We      can trace this thinking back to the Bible and the vengeful God in      the five books of Moses who levies harsh punishments onto the      Children of Israel for their misdeeds. More recently,      twentieth-century behavioral science has seemed to confirm the      wisdom of punishments and rewards. Experimenting with rats,      researchers found that by manipulating rewards and punishments      they could encourage or discourage simple behavior. Like rats,      human behavior is an age-old matter of conscious choice and free      will-nothing more. Or so it might seem.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cb\u003e Learning from a \"Bad\" Kid\u003c\/b\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e But what if this thinking is wrong? What if people don't misbehave      because they want to, but because they lack the skills to behave      otherwise? As we'll see in the next chapter, a large body of      neuropsychological research has disproved the notion that poor      behavior is a choice, and it has affirmed the idea that skill      determines good behavior. In fact, research in the neurosciences      has identified dozens of specific, underlying skills that if      absent or diminished result in challenging or \"bad\" behavior.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e As compelling as this research is, you don't need science to      understand that people do well if they can, not if they want to.      During my senior year in high school, when I first became      interested in psychology, I got a job at a hospital psychiatric      unit for kids. This locked facility admitted kids for short-term      stints when they threatened to harm themselves or others. I was      supposed to hang around and observe at first, but the unit was      grossly understaffed. Almost immediately, staff asked me to help      take care of patients in ways I never expected and, frankly, was      not trained for.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e During my first week, staff members and I were supervising      patients on the playground when a twelve-year-old boy-I'll call      him Jason-had an explosive outburst. I ran over to lend a hand as      the other staff members tried to calm him. Jason broke free and      did the unthinkable: He kicked me and spit right into my face. One      of the staffers, who was serving as my mentor at the facility, saw      this happen. \"Hold on,\" he said. \"Let me teach you a few things      about what to do here.\"\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e He grabbed Jason, turned him around, and showed me how to restrain      him. He placed his arms around Jason's body, forming them into a      kind of straitjacket. Meanwhile, he stood between Jason's legs so      that the kid could not kick him backward.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Jason's outburst and the violence of the restraint unnerved me.      But I was in for much more. A few hours later, Jason exploded      again and was restrained. Jason was really out of control, so      staff members forced him into a seclusion room and placed him      facedown on a cold floor. One of the staff members sat on his back      to hold him down, and they motioned for me to hold his legs. I did      so for several minutes, and it wasn't pleasant. Jason was      screaming, crying, writhing, spitting, and calling me and my      mother all sorts of names.\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e Soon Jason ran out of energy and fell asleep on the floor. We,      too, were drained. And I found myself struggling with competing      feelings. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed to be helping-it seemed      crude to me, inappropriate, wrong, as if I were inflicting still      more suffering. Yet I felt empowered to be able to help with      something so critical. I didn't say anything to the other staff      about my ambivalence. They were the experts, and I figured that as      painful as it was, restraining Jason was probably necessary or      helpful. We were just doing what needed to be done.","brand":"Tarcher","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":46304377241829,"sku":"NP9780143129011","price":29.0,"currency_code":"USD","in_stock":false}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/1842\/7735\/files\/9780143129011.jpg?v=1767723557","url":"https:\/\/k12savings.com\/es\/products\/changeable-isbn-9780143129011","provider":"K12savings","version":"1.0","type":"link"}