Mean Girls Grown Up

Almost every woman has experienced bullying. Whether her role was that of victim, aggressor, or bystander, the pain of relational aggression (female bullying) lasts long after the incident has passed. In Mean Girls Grown Up, Cheryl Dellasega explores why women are often their own worst enemies, offering practical advice for a variety of situations. Drawing upon extensive research and interviews, she shares real-life stories from women as well as the knowledge of experts who have helped women overcome the negative effects of aggression. Readers will hear how adult women can be just as vicious as their younger counterparts, learn strategies for dealing with adult bullies, how to avoid being involved in relational aggression, and more. Dellasega outlines how women can change their behavior successfully by shifting away from aggression and embracing a spirit of cooperation in interactions with others.

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction 1

PART ONE Relational Aggression 201: The Who,What, and Why of RA 5

1 All Grown Up and Ready to Sting: Adult Female Aggression 7

2 Why Women Aren’t More Like Men 20

3 Big Bullies and Other Aggressive Types: The Queen Bee 32

4 From Mild to Bad and In Between: The Middle Bee 42

5 Blindsided, Backstabbed, and Bruised: The Afraid-to-Bee 54

6 Weapons of Choice 67

PART TWO Our Own Worst Enemies: Aggression at Work, at Home, and at Play 79

7 Women at Work 81

8 Sharing Space: Ages and Stages of Aggression 97

9 Forced to Be Family: The Good, the Bad, and the Very Ugly of Female In-Laws 108

10 Mrs. Popularity and the Mom Clique 119

11 Relational Aggression Where You Least Expect It 130

PART THREE Recognize, Revise, and Internalize: Changing the RA Way of Life 145

12 Who Are You in the Bee Dynamic?: A Relational Aggression Assessment 147

13 Healing Residual Relation Aggression: Overcoming the Past 162

14 The Power of Forgiveness 172

15 The Won’t Bee 184

16 A New Relational You 197

17 Don’t Stop with Yourself 214

APPENDIX A

Communication That Counts: Connecting through Words 227

APPENDIX B

Talking to Yourself in Ways That Help 231

APPENDIX C

Netiquette Tips 233

APPENDIX D

Mentoring Resources 235

References 237

Index 240

CHERYL DELLASEGA, PH.D., is a professor in the College of Medicine and the Department of Humanities at Pennsylvania State University. She is the author of Forced to Be Family, Surviving Ophelia, Girl Wars, and The Starving Family.

"Dr. Dellasega enlightens us about the sources of women's aggression toward each other, and she provides us with extremely valuable tools for how to overcome our various roles in the hierarchy and learn more constructive and compassionate means to relate to other women."
—Debra Mandel, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Healing the Sensitive Heart

"Dellasega offers strategies for us to protect ourselves from the sting of adult Queen Bees and their minions. . . . Practice the advice in this helpful book and all women win."
—Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis

"There is no longer an excuse for tolerating the sting of Queen Bees and their enablers. . . . This is an insightful, practical guide to recognizing and responding to the Queen Bee syndrome."
—Diana J. Mason, R.N., Ph.D., Editor in Chief of the American Journal of Nursing

At one time or another, almost every woman has been involved in bullying. Whether her role was that of victim, aggressor, or bystander, the pain of relational aggression (female bullying) lasts long after the incident has passed. For those who get stuck in the mean girl role, the emotional warfare of high school can continue into adulthood.

In Mean Girls Grown Up, Cheryl Dellasega introduces you to the "bees" of grade school who, as adults, are still involved in the same hurtful dynamic: the Queen Bee, a bully who buzzes from place to place undermining and manipulating others; the Middle Bee, a go—between who spreads gossip or stands by as others do so; and the Afraid–to–Bee, who retreats into passivity and is a target for aggression. Drawing upon extensive research and interviews, Dellasega outlines how women can change their behavior successfully by shifting away from aggression and embracing a spirit of cooperation in interactions with others. Even if these behaviors have plagued you since adolescence, this book will help you let go of aggression or passivity, move on, and create relationships that are healthier and happier for you and the women around you.