You're Not a Failure

Stay connected through the tween and teen years, feel less alone, and tackle today's toughest parenting issues

Do you feel like you are the only one struggling while raising your teenager? Academic stress, mental health, tech usage, competitive athletics, self-esteem issues, adolescent apathy, disrespectful behavior—it's tough to be a teen these days, and just as tough to parent one. If you're in the thick of it with your adolescent—or if you're getting a jumpstart on this difficult time—this book can help you untangle the complex challenges and improve your relationship with your kids. In You're Not a Failure: My Teen Doesn't Like Me Either, beloved parenting blogger Whitney Fleming empowers parents to shift their mindsets and approach their relationship with their teens with renewed optimism and understanding.

There's no perfect guidebook for parenting tweens and teens because there is no one-size-fits-all approach that actually works when it comes to raising kids. Each parent-child dynamic is different, and each adolescent has a unique personality and challenges all their own. But mostly, raising adolescents means parents will learn about themselves—the good, the bad, and the ugly. With this book, you can flip the narrative about raising teenagers by taking control of your emotions and responses to create a loving, supportive relationship. This book will help you:

• Unpack and work through the complicated emotions, issues or traumas you may bring into the relationship with your big kids
• Stop trying to be a “good” parent—instead, become the parent your kid needs
• Let go of fear and anxiety to help your kids take risks and build resilience
• Manage and rethink your approach to social media, smartphones, and other unprecedented parenting challenges
• Learn how to break free from the common pitfalls that prevent many parents from helping their children thrive
• Challenge yourself and your family values, and redefine what it means to be there for your child in every way

Overwhelmed parents of teens and tweens will find validation, encouragement, practical advice, and relatable humor in You're Not a Failure. Discover that you're not alone in your struggles, and find a way forward, for you and your child.

Introduction 1

Chapter 1 You Are Not a Failure if You Think Raising Teens Is Hard 7

Chapter 2 Unpacking the Boxes We Carry with US 17

Chapter 3 Middle School Is the Worst 33

Chapter 4 I Want to Raise More Than Good-on-paper Kids 51

Chapter 5 Whose Dream Is It? 65

Chapter 6 Soft Parenting in a Hard World 77

Chapter 7 Sometimes We Have to Let Them Try Stuff on 89

Chapter 8 It’s Not Always About the Phone: Managing Tech in An Always-on World 101

Chapter 9 Why Is High School So Hard? 119

Chapter 10 When You Feel Like a Bad Mom 137

Chapter 11 Managing the Emotional Roller Coaster of Raising Teenagers 155

Chapter 12 The Hardest Part of Raising Teens Is Letting Go 183

Chapter 13 How to Love a Teenager 193

Acknowledgments 209

About the Author 211

Whitney Fleming loves sharing stories that help people feel less alone. She co-owns the blog parentingteensandtweens.com and is the voice behind @WhitneyFlemingWrites, where she is known for her authentic and relatable posts about parenting, marriage, midlife, and grief. She is the proud mom to three teen daughters.

PRAISE FOR You’re NOT A Failure

“While many parenting books counsel us on how we can get our teenagers to meet our expectations, Whitney Fleming asks us to take a different approach—to see our kids for who they were created to be, set down our expectations of who we think they need to become, and evolve alongside them as trusted, relatable guides on their path to independence.”
—RACHEL MACY STAFFORD, New York Times bestselling author of Hands Free Mama and creator of Soul Shift

“Whitney Fleming is the non-judgmental but deeply wise friend we all need when we are raising pre-teens and teens. Not only has she been there, done that, but her writing is exquisitely relatable. Look no further, this is the only parenting book you need.”
—HELENE WINGENS, managing editor of Grown and Flown

“In You’re Not a Failure, Whitney speaks directly to parents of teens and tweens. Through relatable stories and practical advice, she provides a clear path to improving your relationship with your kid. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, as we often do as parents, this book will help.”
—JOSH SHIPP, author of The Grown-Up’s Guide to Teenage Humans

Praise for You’re Not a Failure

“You’re Not a Failure sweeps the cobwebs of weariness from parents’ souls and reminds them that they are enough, and not alone. Each page is overflowing with Whitney’s heart-centered wisdom which we have come to know and love. This is a must read for parents of tweens and teens.”

—Michelle Mitchell, parenting educator, tweens and teens specialist

“Thank God for Whitney Fleming and her practical advice on parenting teens. As someone raising three (almost four) of them right now, You’re Not a Failure is just what I needed.”

—Jess Johnston, national bestselling co-author of Here For It (The Good, The Bad, and the Queso)

“With raw honesty and well-earned insights, Fleming unpacks the rollercoaster ride of raising a teenager today. You’re Not A Failure is the roadmap every parent needs by their side. After reading this book from start to finish, you’ll want to keep it handy to re-read chapters whenever you hit little bumps or giant potholes in the road.”

—Jessica Speer, award-winning author of BFF or NRF (Not Really Friends), Middle School—Safety Goggles Advised, and The Phone Book

“Whitney Fleming normalizes one of the most difficult times in a parent's journey. She shines a light into all the ugly and dark corners, allowing us to rid ourselves of the shame and frustration while at the same time helping us navigate it with wisdom and kindness. I am so grateful for this book and all of Whitney's work.”

—Asia Mape, three-time Emmy award-winning journalist, the founder of Ilovetowatchyouplay, and the mother of three daughters

“In a world where we're constantly bombarded with confusing and guilt-producing messages on how to parent our teenagers the ‘right way,’ Whitney's book is a breath of fresh air. You’re Not A Failure is filled with honest stories and insightful wisdom that cuts through the noise and chaos, providing reassurance and clarity. With humor that lightens the load and practical steps at the end of each chapter, this book is a must-read for any mom feeling lost or overwhelmed. Whitney helps us focus on what truly matters the most—the relationship with our teens. This book is a beacon of hope and support that EVERY mom of a tween or teen needs to read.”

—Sheryl Gould, parenting educator, author, founder of Moms of Tweens and Teens, and host of The Moms of Tweens and Teens Podcast

“This book is a journey and an invitation through parenting the teenage years—through all the joys and missteps we’re bound to face along the way. Whitney Fleming becomes the friend you can count on, no matter what. She tells the brutal truth and offers helpful tools to both maintain our sanity and build relationship with our growing kids as they wander through these difficult and beautiful times.”

—Mikala Albertson, MD, author of Everything I Wish I Could Tell You About Midlife: A Woman’s Guide to Health in the Body You Actually Have

“This book is full of golden nuggets that will really help you be the parent your teen needs as they cross the bumpy road to adulthood. It’s raw, real, and full of practical things that will make a positive difference in your home.”

—Maggie Dent, parenting author, educator, and podcaster

"Whitney Fleming’s writing is so relatable, poignant and real. Readers will find tremendous comfort and strength in this wise book. If you are raising teens, you will want to read this right away."

—Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public and Screenwise