Getting Over Ourselves

2025 Nautilus Award Winner

Move beyond empty "life hacks" to connect with your deepest humanity

In Getting Over Ourselves: Moving Beyond a Culture of Burnout, Loneliness, and Narcissism, human development specialist and leadership coach Christina Congleton delivers an insightful and urgently needed discussion of how people can break out of the tired cliches of the self-help genre, and move toward new levels of connection, engagement, and capacity in navigating an uncertain world.

In the book, you'll explore how modern attitudes of individualism that were once freeing now converge with environmental destruction, inequality, and an alarming uptick in depression, substance abuse, and suicide to significantly damage the potential of people everywhere. You'll also find concrete strategies—rooted in developmental psychology—that show us new ways to approach these challenging times.

Getting Over Ourselves offers:

• Insights into why “life hacks,” productivity seminars, and more "adulting" are not the solutions to the issues faced by people today
• Frameworks that reject the idea that there is a separate, solitary self in need of constant improvement, and connect you with your deepest humanity
• Effective techniques for fending off burnout and ways to move beyond the unsatisfactory status quo

An essential and timely work, Getting Over Ourselves is the antidote to the skin-deep, ineffective "self-help" material that you've been looking for.

Acknowledgments xi

Introduction 1

Part I the Urgency to Get Over Our Selves 5

1 A World on Edge 7

Paradise Burning 8

Stressed to Death 12

A Failed Prediction 15

Keynes Versus Hayek 17

The Heart and Soul of Neoliberalism 24

2 Lost Heroes 29

Selfie Generation 32

Lonely Generation 38

Burnout Generation 42

Lost Generation 47

Another Failed Prediction? 51

3 Spirals of Change 55

What Was Enlightenment? 56

From Enlightenment to the Dog Whisperer 58

Tracing the Path of Human Development 61

The Opportunist (Self-Sovereign Mind) 64

The Diplomat and Expert (Socialized Mind) 66

The Achiever (Self-Authoring Mind) 71

Toxic Achieverism 72

Spiral to Arc 74

4 Wandering at an Apex 77

The Self-Questioning Transformer 77

Navigating the Postmodern Terrain 82

Neoliberal Quicksand 87

Destroy This Model 88

Slipping Through the Cracks 89

Part II Un-self Help 93

5 Selfies and Self-Realization 95
Guidepost 1: From Self-Perfection to the Wisdom of Humility

Narcissism as Mistaken Identity 96

Default Mode 100

Narrative Versus Minimal Self 102

The True Meaning of Humility 105

The Richness of Self-Realization 107

Anchoring in the Practice of Embodiment 109

6 Loneliness and Oneness 117
Guidepost 2: From Separateness to the Wisdom of Interdependence

Physical Interdependence: Bodies of Multitudes 118

Psychological Interdependence: The Resonant Brain 125

Spiritual Interdependence: The Garment of Destiny 132

Anchoring in the Practice of Connection 134

7 Burnout and Wholeheartedness 139
Guidepost 3: From Rationality to the Wisdom of Vulnerability

When Your Heart’s Not in It 140

Heart as Escape Hatch 145

Mark of the Valkyries 147

Real Compassion 149

Vulnerable Confidence 151

The Heart of Yes and No 153

Anchoring in the Practice of Courage 154

8 Lost and Liberated 159
Guidepost 4: From Progress to the Wisdom of Openness

Dare to Not Know 164

Staying with Uncertainty 166

The Cure in Curiosity 168

Relaxing into Insight 169

The Mindful Brain 173

The Modern Mindfulness Trap 176

Anchoring in the Practice of Wonder 179

Part III Concluding and Beginning 183

9 Friends Between Worlds 185

Calling All Builders 187

Power in Diversity, Diversity in Power 188

Moving Slowly 189

Listening Deeply 191

Loving Fiercely 192

I Don’t Want to Move to Mars 193

Room for Alternatives 195

Heroes of Belonging 196

Notes 199

References 203

Recommended Reading 239

About the Author 241

Index 243

CHRISTINA CONGLETON is a human development specialist and leadership coach. Her writing has appeared in publications including Harvard Business Review. Christina coaches in private practice with Axon Leadership and partners with consultancies to deliver coaching around the world. She lives outside Denver with her family.

Sometimes it seems that no amount or combination of time optimization, side hustles, and productivity enhancement can help us rid ourselves of constant feelings that we’re just not doing “enough” or that we’re not doing things “right.” But where can we turn to when the typical diet of self-help and motivational book therapy doesn’t seem to solve the problem?

In Getting Over Ourselves: Moving Beyond a Culture of Burnout, Loneliness, and Narcissism, human development specialist and leadership coach Christina Congleton delivers an incisive and timely exploration of how people, particularly millennials, can get beyond the tired clichés of the self-help genre and gain unexpected capacities to thrive and lead.

The author examines how crushing student debt loads, consecutive financial crises, and a surprising uptick in depression, substance abuse, and suicide are combining to reduce the otherwise extraordinary potential of millennials everywhere. She also provides concrete strategies rooted in developmental psychology to counteract those negative influences and help people from a variety of backgrounds flourish.

In this book, you’ll find insights into why “life hacks,” productivity seminars, and more “adulting” are not the solutions to the issues faced by the millennial generation. Instead, you’ll find a framework that rejects the idea that there is a separate, solitary “self” in need of constant improvement, connecting you with your deeper humanity. You’ll also discover effective techniques for fending off burnout and move beyond your unsatisfactory status quo.

The antidote to the skin-deep, ineffective, and counter-productive “self-help” material you’ve been finding elsewhere, Getting Over Ourselves is a must-read resource for young and mid-career professionals, business leaders, members of new and growing families, and anyone else hoping to simply get more out of life.

Perfect for young and mid-career professionals, business leaders, workers, people in new and growing families, and anyone seeking less “productivity enhancement” and more contentment, Getting Over Ourselves is an ideal prescription for the generation that’s experienced more stress and upheaval than many others.

PRAISE FOR GETTING OVER OURSELVES

"A timely and thorough exploration of how we can let go of societal expectations and connect to our true self through humility, embodiment and rediscovering a sense of awe and wonder in the world around us."
—LODRO RINZLER, author of books including The Buddha Walks into a Bar, The Buddha Walks into the Office and Take Back Your Mind: Buddhist Advice for Anxious Times, and co-founder of MNDFL meditation studios

"Congleton's touching stories, research base, and practical nudges offer an elegantly written invitation to embrace the interdependence of self and system, eschewing what has become a norm of self-striving. She gives us hope that our warm embrace will result in good company on the journey of learning, unlearning, growth, and ultimately rebuilding a thriving society for all."
—ELISE FOSTER, executive coach and co-author, The Multiplier Effect and Beautiful Questions in the Classroom

"In a world of disquiet and disconnection, this book provides a critical lens on how to focus inward so we can connect with others in more meaningful ways. Christina Congleton provides a rich tapestry of scholarship, woven together in an accessible way, with actionable guideposts, so that we can become the heroes of belonging we desperately need and yearn for. If the next generations of leaders are going to effectively navigate the challenges we will all inevitably face, we need accessible resources to support our learning, growth, and development. In Getting Over Ourselves, Christina Congleton provides one such text. As a result of her vision for and commitment to a better world, we now have a brilliant book that illuminates why change is necessary and how we each might strategically transform ourselves to be more meaningfully connected inward—and outward."
—JONATHAN KROLL, founder and executive director, Leadership Trainer; author of Preparing Leadership Educators: A Comprehensive Guide to Theories, Practices, and Facilitation Skills